SNL Transcripts: Donald Pleasence: 10/31/81: Sugar Breakfast

Candy Galaxy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Sugar Breakfast

Dad…..Joe Piscopo
Mom…..Mary Gross
Son…..Tony Rosato
Daughter…..Robin Duke
Mr. Elliott…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on suburban kitchen, where Mom is setting the table ]

[ Dad enters, yawning ]

Dad: Good morning, Sweetheart…

Mom: Good morning, Honey.

[ they kiss, then she hands him a cup of coffee ]

Dad: Oh… thanks. Where’s the sugar?

Mom: On the table.

[ Dad continues to yawn, as he sits at the table and scoops endless spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee cup ]

Mom: [ yawning ] Pour me a cup, too, would you, dear?

Dad: Sure, Honey… [ he pours endless scoops of sugar into her coffee cup ]

Mom: You want some coffee in that?

Dad: Noooo… no, no, no, no…

[ they guzzle down the pure sugar from their coffee cups ]

Dad: Mmm… Oh, honey, that hits the spot.

Mom: Mmm, it sure does! Big day today, sweetheart?

Dad: No, nothing special. Just like I said — I got those couple of meetings, and, other than that, it should be a pretty easy day, you know?

Mom: Oh, that’s nice.

Dad: How about you, though?

Mom: Well, I gotta go to the dentist, and I gotta take the kids to the dermatologist. I’ve got a lot of baking to do today.

Dad: Oh, boy — I don’t know how you do it, honeybun.

Mom: Oh, stop!

Dad: Yeah. Hey, you want another cup?

Mom: Sure! Thanks, hon!

[ he pours the sugar straight into her coffee cup, then pours more sugar for himself ]

Dad: I am NOTHING without my first cup in the morning.

Mom: [ turning hyper ] I’m raring to go myself!

Dad: [ now hyper as well ] Honey, let’s put a new roof on the house!

Mom: No, honey! That can wait until tonight! Now it’s time for breakfast with the kids! It’s the most important meal of the day!

Dad: Oh! Say, where are the kids, anyway?

Mom: Oh! [ she runs toward the living room ] Come on down, kids! Breakfaaaaast!

Dad: Honey, do we have any syrup?

Mom: Sure! [ she opens the fridge ]

[ the kids enter the kitchen ]

Son: Morning, Mom… Morning, Dad…

Dad: Hey, kids!

Son: Hi, Dad…

Daughter: Hi, Dad! hi, Mom!

Dad: Sit down, have some breakfast! It’s the most important meal of the day, you know!

Mom: You’re just in time for breakfast: Nice sugar lumps and maple syrup!

Son: Thank you, Mom…

Mom: Here’s your syrup, Hon!

Dad: Oh! Thank you! You know… I really, really, really enjoy this sugar cubes and maple syrup! [ he pours himself a bowl ] Mmmmm, boy! Definitely my FAVORITE meal! [ he also pours himself a glass of syrup to drink ]

Daughter: Mom? Mom? Do we have any gelatin with us this month?

Mom: Oh, yeah! [ she grabs some from the counter ]

Dad: Yeah, honey, is there any, uh, honey around?

Mom: Oh! Right here! [ she hands it over ]

Daughter: Could you pass the sugar, Dad?

Dad: Right here! I’ve got the sugar right there, sweetheart.

[ Mom brings out a plate stacked high with donuts ]

Mom: Here you are!

Son: Oh, thank you, Mom! [ he grabs a stack ]

Mom: Son, did you get your homework finished last night?

Son: Oh, I was too tired.

Dad: Too tired? That’s no excuse, you were too tired.

[ Daughter starts chuckling in a hyper manner ]

Dad: Hey! Now, you mnid yourself, little girl!

Mom: Hey! She’s only having fun!

Dad: Hey! Let ME handle this, honey!

Mom: Oh! Gee, you’re always tougher on the kids!

Dad: Well, don’t tell me how to raise our kids!

Son: Mom!

Daughter: Dad! Stop!

Dad: Ohhhh, they’re right, honey… I’m sorry.

Mom: No, I’m sorry!

Dad: I love you!

Mom: I love you!

Dad: Kiss?!

Mom: Okay!

[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]

Dad: Oh, hey! [ he reaches into his mouth ] Lost a tooth!

Mom: Get the tooth jar!

Dad: Tooth jar! Yaaayyyy!!

[ the kids fight to be the one to bring the tooth jar down from the fridge ]

Dad: Come on, kids! Come on! [ Daughter brings the tooth jar over ] Into the tooth jar, here we go! [ he drops his tooth into the jar ] Hey, kids! What do you say we help Mom clean up, huh?

[ the kids cheer ]

Mom: That’s great! You do the dishes, and I’ll wax the wall!

[ they all begin to do these chores in a manic, hyper manner ]

Mom: Hey, honey! What time is it?!

Dad: Uhh… [ he checks his watch, disrupting the assembly line ] It’s about 8:45, sweetheart!

Mom: 8:45?! you’re all gonna be late!

Dad: Oh, no!! We’re gonna be late!!

[ Mom frantically tries to get their lunches together, as everyone hops around the room in panic-mode ]

[ Mom then pulls an oversized bag of granulated sugar from the pantry and quickly pours it into the kids’ lunch boxes, as Son scoops a few handfuls in the melee ]

Mom: Danny! you’ll spoil your appetite!

Son: Oh, Mom…

Dad: Don’t yell at him, sweetheart!

Mom: I wasn’t yelling!

Dad: Don’t tell me you weren’t yelling!!

Mom: Don’t tell me what to do!!

Dad: Don’t tell me what NOT to do!!

Mom: Oh, I’m sorry, honey! What are we doing?!

Dad: Oh, we’re arguing again! I’m sorry, honey…

Mom: I’m really sorry…

Dad: Oh, I love you!

Mom: I love you!

Dad: Kiss!

Mom: Kiss!

[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]

Mom: Lost a tooth!

Dad: Oh! let’s put it in the tooth jar!

[ she drops her tooth into the tooth jar, as the doorbell rings ]

Dad: Oh! Someone’s at the door!

[ the family runs wildly around the kitchen as they find a path toward the door ]

Dad: Hey, it’s Mr. Elliott!! Mr. Elliott!! Hi, Mr. Elliott!! How are you?!

Mr. Elliott: [ entering ] Man, will y’all shut the hell up?! I can hear you all the way across the street!

Dad: Oh!

Mr. Elliott: It’s the same thing every morning, man! Can y’all keep it down a little bit?

Dad: Mr. Elliott, come on in! Have some breakfast! The most important meal of the day! Sit right down there for breakfast! It’s no problem at all! [ he pushes Mr. Elliott into a chair at the table ]

Mr. Elliott: I stepped on some glass!

Dad: Ohhhhh, no! Well, what the heck! We’ll take care of that later! Yeah… so… would you like some breakfast?

Mr. Elliott: What y’all having?

Daughter: Twinkies!

Son: Twinkies!

Mom: Twinkies! [ she rushes to the fridge ]

Dad: Yeah — Twinkies!

Mom: I was gonna save them for dinner, but what the heck! Let’s have a party!!

[ Son turns up the radio to a fast-pitched version “Sugar, Sugar”, as he and Daughter begin to dance wildly ]

Mom: You two are crazy! You don’t know how to dance! Here’s how your father and I danced when we were your age — nice and slow!

[ Mom and Dad also dance in a frantic manner, as a horn honks outside ]

Dad: Oh! The school bus is out there!

Son: We gotta go, we gotta go!!

Daughter: We’re late, we’re late!!

[ the entire family runs out of the place, leaving a bewildered Mr. Elliott sitting at their kitchen table alone ]

Mr. Elliott: Crazy white people…

[ the camera zooms in on a sign on the wall: “Home Sweet Home” ]

[ fade ]

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