Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 4
Sugar Breakfast
Dad…..Joe Piscopo
Mom…..Mary Gross
Son…..Tony Rosato
Daughter…..Robin Duke
Mr. Elliott…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on suburban kitchen, where Mom is setting the table ]
[ Dad enters, yawning ]
Dad: Good morning, Sweetheart…
Mom: Good morning, Honey.
[ they kiss, then she hands him a cup of coffee ]
Dad: Oh… thanks. Where’s the sugar?
Mom: On the table.
[ Dad continues to yawn, as he sits at the table and scoops endless spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee cup ]
Mom: [ yawning ] Pour me a cup, too, would you, dear?
Dad: Sure, Honey… [ he pours endless scoops of sugar into her coffee cup ]
Mom: You want some coffee in that?
Dad: Noooo… no, no, no, no…
[ they guzzle down the pure sugar from their coffee cups ]
Dad: Mmm… Oh, honey, that hits the spot.
Mom: Mmm, it sure does! Big day today, sweetheart?
Dad: No, nothing special. Just like I said — I got those couple of meetings, and, other than that, it should be a pretty easy day, you know?
Mom: Oh, that’s nice.
Dad: How about you, though?
Mom: Well, I gotta go to the dentist, and I gotta take the kids to the dermatologist. I’ve got a lot of baking to do today.
Dad: Oh, boy — I don’t know how you do it, honeybun.
Mom: Oh, stop!
Dad: Yeah. Hey, you want another cup?
Mom: Sure! Thanks, hon!
[ he pours the sugar straight into her coffee cup, then pours more sugar for himself ]
Dad: I am NOTHING without my first cup in the morning.
Mom: [ turning hyper ] I’m raring to go myself!
Dad: [ now hyper as well ] Honey, let’s put a new roof on the house!
Mom: No, honey! That can wait until tonight! Now it’s time for breakfast with the kids! It’s the most important meal of the day!
Dad: Oh! Say, where are the kids, anyway?
Mom: Oh! [ she runs toward the living room ] Come on down, kids! Breakfaaaaast!
Dad: Honey, do we have any syrup?
Mom: Sure! [ she opens the fridge ]
[ the kids enter the kitchen ]
Son: Morning, Mom… Morning, Dad…
Dad: Hey, kids!
Son: Hi, Dad…
Daughter: Hi, Dad! hi, Mom!
Dad: Sit down, have some breakfast! It’s the most important meal of the day, you know!
Mom: You’re just in time for breakfast: Nice sugar lumps and maple syrup!
Son: Thank you, Mom…
Mom: Here’s your syrup, Hon!
Dad: Oh! Thank you! You know… I really, really, really enjoy this sugar cubes and maple syrup! [ he pours himself a bowl ] Mmmmm, boy! Definitely my FAVORITE meal! [ he also pours himself a glass of syrup to drink ]
Daughter: Mom? Mom? Do we have any gelatin with us this month?
Mom: Oh, yeah! [ she grabs some from the counter ]
Dad: Yeah, honey, is there any, uh, honey around?
Mom: Oh! Right here! [ she hands it over ]
Daughter: Could you pass the sugar, Dad?
Dad: Right here! I’ve got the sugar right there, sweetheart.
[ Mom brings out a plate stacked high with donuts ]
Mom: Here you are!
Son: Oh, thank you, Mom! [ he grabs a stack ]
Mom: Son, did you get your homework finished last night?
Son: Oh, I was too tired.
Dad: Too tired? That’s no excuse, you were too tired.
[ Daughter starts chuckling in a hyper manner ]
Dad: Hey! Now, you mnid yourself, little girl!
Mom: Hey! She’s only having fun!
Dad: Hey! Let ME handle this, honey!
Mom: Oh! Gee, you’re always tougher on the kids!
Dad: Well, don’t tell me how to raise our kids!
Son: Mom!
Daughter: Dad! Stop!
Dad: Ohhhh, they’re right, honey… I’m sorry.
Mom: No, I’m sorry!
Dad: I love you!
Mom: I love you!
Dad: Kiss?!
Mom: Okay!
[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]
Dad: Oh, hey! [ he reaches into his mouth ] Lost a tooth!
Mom: Get the tooth jar!
Dad: Tooth jar! Yaaayyyy!!
[ the kids fight to be the one to bring the tooth jar down from the fridge ]
Dad: Come on, kids! Come on! [ Daughter brings the tooth jar over ] Into the tooth jar, here we go! [ he drops his tooth into the jar ] Hey, kids! What do you say we help Mom clean up, huh?
[ the kids cheer ]
Mom: That’s great! You do the dishes, and I’ll wax the wall!
[ they all begin to do these chores in a manic, hyper manner ]
Mom: Hey, honey! What time is it?!
Dad: Uhh… [ he checks his watch, disrupting the assembly line ] It’s about 8:45, sweetheart!
Mom: 8:45?! you’re all gonna be late!
Dad: Oh, no!! We’re gonna be late!!
[ Mom frantically tries to get their lunches together, as everyone hops around the room in panic-mode ]
[ Mom then pulls an oversized bag of granulated sugar from the pantry and quickly pours it into the kids’ lunch boxes, as Son scoops a few handfuls in the melee ]
Mom: Danny! you’ll spoil your appetite!
Son: Oh, Mom…
Dad: Don’t yell at him, sweetheart!
Mom: I wasn’t yelling!
Dad: Don’t tell me you weren’t yelling!!
Mom: Don’t tell me what to do!!
Dad: Don’t tell me what NOT to do!!
Mom: Oh, I’m sorry, honey! What are we doing?!
Dad: Oh, we’re arguing again! I’m sorry, honey…
Mom: I’m really sorry…
Dad: Oh, I love you!
Mom: I love you!
Dad: Kiss!
Mom: Kiss!
[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]
Mom: Lost a tooth!
Dad: Oh! let’s put it in the tooth jar!
[ she drops her tooth into the tooth jar, as the doorbell rings ]
Dad: Oh! Someone’s at the door!
[ the family runs wildly around the kitchen as they find a path toward the door ]
Dad: Hey, it’s Mr. Elliott!! Mr. Elliott!! Hi, Mr. Elliott!! How are you?!
Mr. Elliott: [ entering ] Man, will y’all shut the hell up?! I can hear you all the way across the street!
Dad: Oh!
Mr. Elliott: It’s the same thing every morning, man! Can y’all keep it down a little bit?
Dad: Mr. Elliott, come on in! Have some breakfast! The most important meal of the day! Sit right down there for breakfast! It’s no problem at all! [ he pushes Mr. Elliott into a chair at the table ]
Mr. Elliott: I stepped on some glass!
Dad: Ohhhhh, no! Well, what the heck! We’ll take care of that later! Yeah… so… would you like some breakfast?
Mr. Elliott: What y’all having?
Daughter: Twinkies!
Son: Twinkies!
Mom: Twinkies! [ she rushes to the fridge ]
Dad: Yeah — Twinkies!
Mom: I was gonna save them for dinner, but what the heck! Let’s have a party!!
[ Son turns up the radio to a fast-pitched version “Sugar, Sugar”, as he and Daughter begin to dance wildly ]
Mom: You two are crazy! You don’t know how to dance! Here’s how your father and I danced when we were your age — nice and slow!
[ Mom and Dad also dance in a frantic manner, as a horn honks outside ]
Dad: Oh! The school bus is out there!
Son: We gotta go, we gotta go!!
Daughter: We’re late, we’re late!!
[ the entire family runs out of the place, leaving a bewildered Mr. Elliott sitting at their kitchen table alone ]
Mr. Elliott: Crazy white people…
[ the camera zooms in on a sign on the wall: “Home Sweet Home” ]
[ fade ]
