SNL Transcripts: Donald Pleasence: 10/31/81: The Vic Salukin Show


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

The Vic Salukin Show

Vic Salukin…..Tony Rosato
Caller #1…..Tim Kazurinsky
Caller #3…..Mary Gross
Lady…..Christine Ebersole
Caller #4…..Donald Pleasence

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Vic Salukin seated at desk ]

Vic Salukin: Hello. I’m Vic Salukin. Welcome to “Scare Me!” I’ll be taking calls from you people tonight, and I want somebody to call in and scare the HELL out of me! Now, I’m not the kind of guy who scares easily, so we’re gonna need some help from some of you major LOONS out there tonight! Now, to show you I mean business… I’m offering a hundred bucks — 100 big ones, right there it is — to the guy who can scare me the most! [ he holds up the $100 bill ] Okay? So call me — Vic Salukin, 555-4444! 555-4444! Alright, here we go. [ he grabs the phone ] Vic Salukin. Scare me!

Caller #1: Yeah. Well, my name is Leonard. I’m with the regional office of the Internal Revenue Service —

Vic Salukin: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute… is this the old IRS scam?

Caller #1: Excuse me, Mr. Salukin, I am afraid, uhh…

Vic Salukin: Hey, look, Mac — what the hell do you think I am, some sort of a MORON or something?

Caller #1: [ he laughs ] You got me, Vic! I really thought you’d go for that one!

Vic Salukin: Look, buddy — the only thing that’s scary about you is your I.Q. Okay? [ he hangs up ] Come on! Let’s get a decent call here! This is garbage! Vic Salukin — scare me!

Caller #2: Hey, Vic. Look out behind you. There’s a horrible creature! [ he tries to stifle his laughter ]

Vic Salukin: Okay, buddy, come on! [ he hangs up ] For God’s sake, what the hell is going on here?! YOU owe ME a hundred bucks for THAT one, okay?! A hundred bucks on the line here! Vic Salukin — scare me!

[ a woman begins to hum the theme from “Star Trek” ]

Vic Salukin: Alright, lady, get off the phone and get off the bottle, for God’s sake! [ he hangs up ] Your probably swinging off a chandelier in your birthday suit! Alright, let’s take another one! Vic Salukin — scare me! [ a dial tone ] Alright, nobody there! Look — you people don’t seem to know what the hell a scary call is all about! Looks like I’m gonna have to SHOW you! [ he grabs the phone and dials ] I’m gonna dial any number RANDOMLY here — I don’t know WHO we’re gonna get, probably some bizarro, anyway!

Caller #3: Hello?

Vic Salukin: Hello, lady? Listen — we kidnapped your son, he gave us trouble, so we SHOT him! Where do you want the body?

Lady: No… no… [ she screams in agony ]

Vic Salukin: [ laughing sadistically ] Now, THAT’S scary, and THAT’S what I’m looking for! [ he hangs up ] I just made myself a hundred bucks, okay?! Alright, let’s take ONE more call, and for God’s sake this is supposed to be New York! Huh?! The city of nutcakes and freaks! Now, let’s start hearing from some of you! [ he picks up the phone ] I’m getting pissed off here! Alright, Vic Salukin — scare me!

Caller #4: Hello? [ he laughs ] Hello, Mr. Salukin. I know quite a few things that you might find scary… I’ve been following your daughter, Amy, home from school today. She’s such an attractive child, Mr. Salukin, except for that curious birthmark on her thigh. Heh! It’s her birthday, Monday, nine years old? I suppose you’ll give her that doll that’s hidden in the top drawer of your dresser. And your wife, Linda? She’s also — oh, she’s very attractive, especially when she slips into her black hot pants. [ camera slowly pans down to the phone intercom ] The more I realize… the more I see of you… the more I think you are a lonesome maggot that should be destroyed, and it’s going to be a pleasure to come to your studio tonight and slap a large meat ax into your brain pan. [ he laughs sadistically ] Split your skull, new suit… [ he laughs sadistically, as the camera pans back up to Vic to reaveal him bloodies with a meat ax in his head ] So, vic? Did I fool you?! [ he laughs sadistically ] That’s pretty good, huh?! Vic! Did you like it?! [ he continues to laugh sadistically ] I bet I got you! Ha ha! Are you there?! Vic! Vic! Hey, Vic?

[ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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