Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 5
Pat Cooper…Joe Piscopo
Mary Gross: Hi, I’m Mary Gross, and welcome back to “Bitter People”. [Slow ZOOM out] Tonight’s guest is a very bitter man, comedian Pat Cooper. [Pat is sitting in a chair to Mary’s right] Pat, what’s going on in Vegas?
Pat Cooper: Lola Falana…now there’s a bargain! She wants to be called the ‘First Lady of Vegas’, right? She doesn’t even belong in the first thousand! Huh? You think she’d let me be her opening act? Huh? You think she’d use Pat Cooper? I’m not good enough for her because “she’s a star!” The eeeegos here, huh?
I’ll tell you who’s playing at Caesar’s, right here [picks up photo] Tom Jones! [points to picture] Tom Jones, right here! We’re grateful enough to open our hearts to this guy, let him come in to our country, and he won’t let Pat Cooper open for him, huh? I’m a funny man! Pleease believe that! There’s no one funnier than this man! “What’s the national flower of Italy, huh? The tomato!” [mugs by puckering his lips and bugging out his eyes] Huh? Funny, right? Funny, right? But these semi-names won’t let me use them![picks up another photo] Jerry Vale! Jerry Vale, another bargain, right? Jerry Vale…I’m gonna tell you a story: I’m opening for Jerry Vale at the Landmark in Vegas, right? My wife sends me a fruit basket with a card- you know, “to Pat, I love you.” [increasingly agitated] Card gets lost, Jerry comes into my dressing room, sees the fruit basket, says it must be for him, walks out of my room, with my fruit, because- from my wife Patty, ’cause heee’s the staaar! Jerry. Take the fruit. Choke on it, huh? I’m a very funny man! Mary, there’s a giant ziti in the hallway waiting to eat the whole studio, huh? Hilarious, right, hilarious! There’s no one funnier than Pat, there’s no one funnier than this man! [Holds up photo of himself with lips puckered and eyes bulging, imitates the face he makes in the picture]
Mary Gross: Whoa…
Pat Cooper: Hilarious!
Mary Gross: Well, thank you, Pat..
Pat Cooper: I’m a hilarious guy. A generous man, too!
Mary Gross: Oh, you sure are…
Pat Cooper: Very funny!
Mary Gross: Well, thank you, Pat. Join us tomorrow on “Bitter People” when Suzanne Somers will talk about the cast of Three’s Company.[“Song For My Father” begins again; FADE back to title graphic; applause and FADE to black]
Submitted by: Larchman