Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 5
Sarah Gould…..Robin Duke
Cheryl Tiegs…..Christine Ebersole
Brooke Shields…..Mary Gross
Audience Member #1…..Rosie Shuster
Audience Member #2…..??
[ open on talk show set, with title card superimposed over the panel ]
Sarah Gould: Good morning! I’m Sarah Gould, and welcome to “Reach Out”! Today, our celebrity guests are going to try to REACH OUT to those of you in the audience who have problems! So you just ask us, and we’ll try to solve them! And now, I’d like to welcome our guests from the world of high fashion modeling: Brooke Shields, the 16-year old who took the professsion by storm… and Cheryl Tiegs, who is often called the All-American Model.
Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Sarah, excuse me, but I don’t think of myself as model. I’m more of a personality and commentator.
Brooke Shields: [ giggling ] Yeah! And I’m not a model, either. I think of myself as an actress!
Cheryl Tiegs: Me, too! I think of myself as an actress, and a television personality, and a photographer!
Brooke Shields: Me, too!
Sarah Gould: Well, now, isn’t that fascinating? And now, Brooke, how is that lawsuit coming along? Aren’t you trying to stop some pictures or something from bring published?
Brooke Shields: Yeah! This scummy guy took naked pictures of me at ten, and now he’s trying to push me as some kind of porno star! How DARE he! That’s my mother’s job!
Sarah Gould: [ looking into the audience ] I — I — I think I see somebody with a problem. Yes? Do you have a problem?
[ cut to Audience Member #1 ]
Audience Member #1: Yes. I’d like to addres my problem to Cheryl Tiegs. I’ve seen you so often, I feel like your my friend!
Sarah Gould: Yes, what’s the problem, dear?
Audience Member #1: Uh — I need a kidney transplant, desperately… and I-I can’t afford it. I’m in agonizing pain day and night, but I don’t have any way of getting the money. Can you help me?
Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Oh, you poor thing… I — I know just how you feel. At one time, I needed money… and so I sold my name to Sears-Roebuck.
Brooke Shields: Sears?! Pee-yoo! Gross, total!
Cheryl Tiegs: Yes, I know. And they put it on a line of jeans. It was pretty humiliating, but now I make countless of thousands of dollars for doing nothing. Um — have you thought about selling your name?
Audience Member #1: [ shaking her head ] No. No, no, I haven’t. And I don’t see why they would be interested.
Brooke Shields: I sell jeans, too! Look! [ she stands on her head and sticks her Calvin Klein jeans high into the air ]
Sarah Gould: I think we have another question! [ pointing into the audience ] Hello? You, right there! Hello?
[ cut to Audience Member #2, just to the upper right of Audience Member #1 ]
Audience Member #2: [ in thick accent ] I have a problem for Brooke and Cheryl.
Sarah Gould: Oh! Uh, go ahead.
Audience Member #2: Okay, I’m working 18 hours a day in a sweatshop. Two of the girls was KILLED last week, when some of the machines cut them! And we’re still working with the same machines!
Cheryl Tiegs: UM… I know how you feel. Uh, modeling is really hard work. I mean, honestly, some people thin it’s just glamour, glamour, glamour! Um, but it’s really very. very hard. I mean, you have to get up early, and you have to wait around for them to fix, uh, your face and to fix your clothes, and… I mean, honestly, if you’re the slightest bit late, they act really mean. I mean, we earn that $1,500 an hour, we really do!
Brooke Shields: Yeah, really! And what about acting? We have to memorize all that stuff! What a pain! [ to Sarah ] Can I talk about my new movie? My mom says I gotta! It’s about a 17-year old girl’s introduction to sex. It’s a new kind of role for me, since before I only played a 10-year old girl’s introduction to sex, a 14-year old girl’s introduction to sex, and a 16-year old girl’s introduction to sex. BUt my mom said I’ve got to take challenges!
Cheryl Tiegs: [ leaning in ] I used to be on “Good Morning, America”, uh, reading cue cards. That was really hard, a lot harder than doing movies.
Brooke Shields: Oh, take a hike, Grandma! You’re over the hill! They’re saving a BED for her at the Old Model’s Home! [ she giggles ]
Cheryl Tiegs: Uh, you know what’s gonna come between you and your Calvins? My FOOT!! [ Brooke sticks her tongue out ] Watch it, Jailbait!
Sarah Gould: [ laughing ] I think I see a hand out there! Yes?
[ reveal Lauren Hutton standing in the audience ]
Lauren Hutton: Hello?
Sarah Gould: Yes! Your problem? We’re here to help.
Lauren Hutton: Hmm… I’m a model, and my problem is the insulting way models are stereotyped as BRAINLESS, OVERGROOMED SLICES OF BEEF!! Right here! Brooke and Cheryl happen to be my friends!
Sarah Gould: [ stunned ] Oh! Really?
Lauren Hutton: Yes, really!
Brooke Shields: We — we weren’t making fun of Brooke Shields and Cheryl Tiegs! We were making fun of… the ridiculous, uh… capitalistic, sexist system that exploits them for profit! Really!
Cheryl Tiegs: Yeah!
Lauren Hutton: [ seething ] This kind of stuff BURNS me up! Models aren’t DUMB! Cheryl Tiegs has a phD from Oxford in Bio-engineering! [ a page steps forward ] What?!
Page: They need you in Make-Up.
Lauren Hutton: They do not!
Sarah Gould: Well!
Lauren Hutton: [ as she retreats ] Brooke Shields is one of the world’s leading microphysicists! Cybil Dhepard invented the laser beam!
Sarah Gould: Well! Dear me! Isn’t that true? Well, that’s all the time we have left right now! Tomorrow, please join us and we’ll be solving your personal heartfelt problems with a NEW celebrity panel — Don Rickles and Foster Brooks! So, until tomorrow, this is “Reach Out”, saying, “We care about you.”
[ fade ]