Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 5
Hail to the Chief
President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Brian Doyle Murray
Ed Meese…..Tony Rosato
[ open on exterior, THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C. ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
[ the entire scene takes place from President Ronald Reagan’s point-of-view. As the scene begins, he’s looking down at his desktop as he doodles cartoon characters on a pad. ]
[ he looks up as members of his staff enter ]
Secretary: Good morning!
President Ronald Reagan: Good morning, Jim!
Jim: You’re looking well this morning!
President Ronald Reagan: I feel well!
Secretary: Would you like to take a look at today’s itinerary — I mean, script? [ he chuckles ] Elaine, you want to bring in that shooting script?
Elaine: Yeah! [ she steps forward ] Uh — okay, uh, we’re gonna start with a presidential press conference, and a few of the reporters are going to ask you a few questions about the sale of the AWACs to Saudi Arabia, okay?
President Ronald Reagan: [ confused ] AWACs? What do I say?
Elaine: [ incredulaous ] I gave you the script yesterday. Where is it?
President Ronald Reagan: I must have lost it.
Elaine: Oh, no, not again…
President Ronald Reagan: I’m sorry.
Elaine: Forget it. [ she holds out a script ] Here’s another copy. Okay? Now, uh, did you get the rewrites on the MX missiles?
President Ronald Reagan: [ grabbing the script ] Sure, sure… I’ve got my lines memorized already.
Elaine: [ pleased ] Okay.
President Ronald Reagan: Ooh! Ooh! Is that Ed Meese over there? Uh, Ed! Ed! Could I have a word with you, please?
[ Ed Meese steps forward ]
Ed Meese: Morning, Ron! What’s up?
President Ronald Reagan: How much longer are we going to be making this movie?
Ed Meese: [ he looks around the room ] I’d say… about three more years, Ron. Three more years, at least, yeah.
President Ronald Reagan: Well… the movie’s long, Ed. I hope it’s not going to be another “Heaven’s Gate”!
Ed Meese: Don’t worry about it.
President Ronald Reagan: Ed… Ed, listen. Ed, I really appreciate you getting Nancy a part and all…
Ed Meese: No, no…
President Ronald Reagan: Well, I was thinking… what if there was some romantic conflict? Uh, like that gal who’s playing the new Supreme Court justice? Well, uh, what if she and I…
[ Jim steps forward ]
Jim: Look, uh, Ron? It wouldn’t be right for your character.
Ed Meese: That’s right, Ron.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about! I think my character’s getting AWFULLY unsympathetic!
Ed Meese: No…
Jim: Ron, why don’t you take care of the acting, we’ll take care of the writing? Okay?
President Ronald Reagan: BUt why would the President try to take money away from old people and poor people and kids? I — you know, I just don’t understand it! What’s my motivation?
Ed Meese: Look — Ron…
President Ronald Reagan: And another thing, another thing. If there are any more scenes involving pistols, I want a stand-in! [ Meese shakes his head ] Or at least use BLANKS!
Ed Meese: Alright, look, Ron — Ronnie, who’s directing this picture? Huh?! You… or me?
President Ronald Reagan: Look, Ed, all I want is a stuntman.
Ed Meese: I realize that.
President Ronald Reagan: Like the one we used in that other movie, where I played the governor of California.
Ed Meese: Look — look, Ronnie… between you and me, huh? Pretty soon, we’re gonna go back to the ran– Uh, the western location, okay? And we’ll shoot some ranch stuff, alright?
President Ronald Reagan: Ohhhh, good! I enjoy the horses!
Ed Meese: I know you do! I know you do!
President Ronald Reagan: You know, Ed… that’s what this picture needs — MORE action! Like that Libyan scene! Remember? When you flew those jets out of the sky? Ed… why wasn’t I in that scene?
Ed Meese: Look, Ronnie, don’t worry about it! It was a night shoot, and you need your rest. We didn’t want to wake you.
[ JIm steps forward ]
Jim: Let’s go. [ to Reagan ] How do you feel? You feel good?
President Ronald Reagan: Fine, fine.
Ed Meese: Alright, Make-Up! Let’s get Make-Up in here and shoot this next scene, okay?
[ the Make-Up lady enters and begins to wipe around the lens that represents Reagan’s face ]
President Ronald Reagan: Ed…? Ed…? What’s an AWAC?
Ed Meese: Ron! Please! Just let her do her job, okay? [ to the Make-Up lady ] Alright, get it all IN the hair! Get it all in here! He looks like a pumpkin! Put it up in here.
Elaine: Uh, Mr. Meese? Mr. Meese? The Press is here.
Ed Meese: Alright, everybody! Quiet, please! We’re gonna get ready to roll, okay?
President Ronald Reagan: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Meese.
Ed Meese: SHUT UP, Ron! Please! Everybody, get ready! Screen, Sound, and Slate!
[ the Marker steps forward with the slate ]
Marker: Presidential Press Conference, Take 1!
Ed Meese: And… ACTION!
[ the reporters rush into the Oval Office and surround the screen ]
Reporters: MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!!
[ fade ]