SNL Transcripts: Lauren Hutton: 11/07/81: Harlequin Romances


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Harlequin Romances

Spokeswoman…..Mary Gross
Denise Dunn Davis…..Lauren Hutton
Explorer 1…..Robin Duke
Explorer #2…..Christine Ebersole
Wendell Winspear…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Spokeswoman seated in chair and holding a long-stemmed rose ]

Spokeswoman: Hello! You know… I love my life. BUt sometimes I like to go far, far away, into a world of romance and exotic adventure. A world of ruggedly handsome tyrants having their way with shy, but fiery little weaklings. I adore fine literature. That’s why I read Harlequin Romances. And now, for the first time, you fellows can enjoy them, too… with our new Harlequin Romances For Men. [ she holds up a copy of the book ] Here’s one of the men’s favorites: “Forbidden Jungle of Passion”.

[ she opens the book and begins to read, as the scene dissolves to women explorers in the jungle, along with one man disguised as a woman ]

Spokeswoman V/O: “The African jungle was lush and steamy with passion. It was a dangerous and frightening place, sought only by the roughest, most hard-bittenest adventurers. It was no place for a man… but spunky young Wendell Winspear, determined to go along on the expedition, disguised himself as a woman, and was now deep in the jungle with these roughnecks. The expedition was led by the hard, rugged, and tryrannical Denise Dunn Davis. the world-famous explorer, who had always sworn that she would NEVER allow a man on one of her safaris. But could Wendell keep his maleness hidden from the dashing explorer?”

Denise Dunn Davis: Tomorrow, we’ll find that Incan treasure, or my name isn’t Denise Dunn Davis. [ she lights her cigarette ]

Explorer #1: [ to Wendell ] Hey! You want a slug of whiskey? Come on! It’ll do ya’ good!

Wendell Winspear: [ nervously ] I-I-I… no, th-thank you. Y-you all seem to be becoming intoxicated…

Explorer #1: Ho! I know what your problem is, Honey — you need a man! I tell ya’, I could use a man myself right now!

Explorer #2: Yeah! I know what to do with a hunk of beefcake — for five minutes!

[ they laugh at the joke ]

Spokeswoman V/O: “He had to shut his ears to their course remarks. He wondered how they’d feel if they knew… he was a man.”

Denise Dunn Davis: [ stepping forward ] Leave her alone. And I’ve told you a THOUSAND times why I never want a man on one of my expeditions. Too much trouble. [ she whips out a knife and begins to file her fingernails ] I’m ruggedly attractive, but I’m determined. You know that. [ she places the knife in her mouth and picks between her teeth ] And a man — I’ve got no time for.

Wendell Winspear: [ to himself ] You are the most IMPOSSIBLE Woman I’ve ever met!

Denise Dunn Davis: Well… let’s break ten. Baker, you go set down those other tents; you check supplies; Wendy, you come with me, we’ll —

[ Wendell points and screams, as the head of a snake sways in the foreground ]

[ Denise calmly whips out her pistol and shoots the snake dead, as Wendell continues to shiver ]

Denise Dunn Davis: Get a hold of yourself, Wendy! You’re acting like a man!

[ Denise accidentally knocks Wendell’s blonde wig off of his head, then checks his crotch as final confirmation ]

Denise Dunn Davis: My God… you are a man.

Wendell Winspear: [ removing his inner padding ] Yes! Yes, I’m a man! And you’ve been treating me in a BEASTLY way! [ he crosses his arms sternly ]

Denise Dunn Davis: What do you mean, trying to fool Denise Dunn Davis?! Why, I ought to wail you within an INCH of your life!

Wendell Winspear: Oh, go ahead and hit me, you big brute! You’re nothing but a bully and a tyrant, and I’ve NEVER hated any woman so much in my life!

[ Denise grabs Wendell and pulls him down for a kiss on the lips. He responds by slapping her across the face. ]

Denise Dunn Davis: [ tilts her head back and laughs ] You wanted it! We both know that.

[ Denise retreats to her tent, as the other two female explorers return ]

Explorer #2: Hey, look at this! She’s a man! And he’s been here all the time! You shoulda told us sooner, Cupcake!

Explorer #1: Hey, hey, baby! Come on, baby! We’re having a PARTY, and it’s in YOUR LAP, Dreamboat! Come on! [ she stretches across his lapp and thrusts her liquor bottle into his mouth ]

Wendell Winspear: STOP!! Stop it, you animals!! Stop PAWING me!!

[ Denise exits her tent and fires her pistol into the air ]

Denise Dunn Davis: The next one to put a finger on that boy eats lead.

Explorer #2: Hey, what’s the matter, Denise? You turning soft? I mean, it’s only a boy!

Denise Dunn Davis: No! It’s the future Mr. Dunn Davis.

[ music swells ]

Wendell Winspear: [ surprised ] What?!

Denise Dunn Davis: It’s true, my little minx! [ she pulls him to his feet ] I’ve fallen in love with your spunk, your fire, and your adorable nose. And I won’t take No for an answer.

Wendell Winspear: [ ecstatic ] Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Denise Dunn Davis: [ she jumps into his arms ] You need to be kissed and spanked… and kissed and spanked often, by someone who knows how.

Wendell Winspear: Oh, God… can I be dreaming…?

Spokeswoman V/O: “Then she crushed him in her powerful thighs, and the world went away.”

[ return to the Spokeswoman, as she closes her book and sighs ]

Spokeswoman: What a satisfying read! This classic flowed from the pen of Dierdre deloquaro Dinn, perhaps the only living author to have written more books than she’s read. “Forbidden Jungle of Passion” is only one of THOUSANDS, all almost exactly alike. This is Harlequin Publications, saying: “If Proust and Tolstoy are so great, how come you can’t buy them in a supermarket?” Happy reading!

[ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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