Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 5
Lauren’s Dressing Room
[ Joe Dicso steps forward as Eddie Murphy ad-libs his Cosby mimicry for the applauding audience ]
Joe Dicso: Hey, Eddie! Lauren Hutton wants to see you — in her dressing room! [ he smiles before backing away ]
Eddie Murphy: [ intrigued ] In her dressing room? [ he faces the audience ] Excuse me!
[ fade to black, the fade in on Lauren Hutton’s dressing room ]
[ Hutton walks past a crouching stagehand to sit at the mirror and read over her scripts ]
[ a knock at the door ]
Lauren Hutton: Yes?
Eddie Murphy: Uh — Lauren! It’s me, Eddie Murphy!
Lauren Hutton: Oh, Eddie! Good! Come in!
[ Eddie enters, somewhat shyly ]
Eddie Murphy: Hello, Lauren Hutton!
Lauren Hutton: [ she laughs ] Hi, Eddie!
Eddie Murphy: How you doing? What’s up?
Lauren Hutton: Nothing. I just thought… you got some time?
[ he sits on the desk ]
Eddie Murphy: Yeah… I got a couple minutes. Why,
Lauren Hutton: Well… I just want to tell you something. And that is… you’re a star! You’re a real star.
Eddie Murphy: Oh! Well, thank you, I appreciate it!
Lauren Hutton: EVerybody out there is real glad to have you.
Eddie Murphy: Thanks a lot. Thank you.
Lauren Hutton: [ she removes her fedora and wraps her arms around her head ] And… uh… I mean, you are so funny… I don’t mean to bug you, but…
Eddie Murphy: [ curious ] What?
Lauren Hutton: I’m a little scared, my heart’s beating…
Eddie Murphy: Oh, you’ll be fine! Don’t worry about it!
Lauren Hutton: Would you do your Buckwheat for me?
Eddie Murphy: Do what?
Lauren Hutton: Buckwheat! Please! Come on!
Eddie Murphy: Oh, come on… I’m not doing Buckwheat!
Lauren Hutton: Eddie… please… one little Buckwheat!
Eddie Murphy: [ in character ] “Hi, I’m Buckwheat O-tay!” [ he gives the Okay sign ]
Lauren Hutton: [ pleased ] That’s wonderful! I mean, you are very…
Eddie Murphy: [ still in character ] “You sure are a beautiful woman, Miss Hutton!” [ she laughs ] “O-tay!”
Lauren Hutton: [ she stands ] Would you do… Stevie Wonder for me?
Eddie Murphy: Come on, Lauren! I’m not doing Stevie Wonder inside here…
Lauren Hutton: You want me to grovel? I’ll do it.
Eddie Murphy: Don’t grovel.
Lauren Hutton: Okay.
Eddie Murphy: Stop it. You want me to do Stevie Wonder?
Lauren Hutton: Yeah.
[ Eddie puts on a pair of sunglasse, tilts his head back and smiles ]
Lauren Hutton: Oh, that’s great! How about, you and me…
[ a knock at the door ]
Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Miss Hutton. [ he winks at Eddie before closing the door ]
Lauren Hutton: Oh, my God. I’ve got to change.
Eddie Murphy: Oh. You gotta change? I’ll leave, then.
Lauren Hutton: No, no! Stay here, if you can. If you’ve got time. It relaxes me a lot. [ she steps behind her changing screen ]
Eddie Murphy: It relaxes you when I’m in here?
Lauren Hutton: Yeah!
Eddie Murphy: You’re relaxed? [ he sits on the couch ] It relaxes you, huh?
Lauren Hutton: Yes.
[ Hutton flips her robe over the screen, then extends her leg within Eddie’s view and begins to pull a black stocking up her leg ]
Eddie Murphy: [ with eyes glued ] I’m gonna RELAX you, alright!
[ as Eddie watches, licking his lips, Joe Piscopo materializes next to him on the couch ]
Joe Piscopo: Forget it, Eddie!
Eddie Murphy: Hey, Joe, what are you doing in here? GEt out of here, man! Lauren Hutton wants me to relax her, and I’m going to — thoroughly! Take a walk!
Joe Piscopo: [ laughing ] Come on!
Eddie Murphy: Joe, I’m serious, man! The woman got it BAD for me, so you better leave — I’m gonna be needing this couch. Okay? She want me to put it down! So she WILL get put down.
Joe Piscopo: Wait, wait, wait. Eddie, hold on. You’re gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton?
Eddie Murphy: Damn right, I’m gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton!
Joe Piscopo: Are you sure you’re man enough?
Eddie Murphy: [ he laughs ] What are you talking about, man! I’m Eddie Murphy!
Joe Piscopo: Listen — yeah! [ he chuckles ] But we’re not talking about one of those girls from Roosevelt High, Eddie. This is Lauren Hutton, one of the most BEAUTIFUL women in the WORLD!
Eddie Murphy: Joe, I can handle her, okay?
Joe Piscopo: Yeah. You can handle her — she played opposite Burt Reynolds, Robert Redford, Richard Gere… These are white guys, do you know them?
Eddie Murphy: Joe, I don’t care if she played opposite Richard Roundtree, okay? [ Joe laughs ] She WANTS me!
Joe Piscopo: Hey, what makes you think she’d be interested in you?
Eddie Murphy: What? She thinks I’m FUNNY, man!
Joe Piscopo: Yeah, I can’t believe how young you are sometimes, man. Hey — have you ever heard of premature ejaculation?
[ Eddie’s face turns sour, as he looks about the room with worry ]
Joe Piscopo: Yeah?
Eddie Murphy: [ uneasy ] I’ll be okay…
Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, she thinks you’re funny, right?
Eddie Murphy: So…?
Joe Piscopo: Well, what if you take off your clothes, and she thinks you’re even funnier? Edie, we both know the myth isn’t true. [ he nods ]
Eddie Murphy: Oh…
Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, listen — you know, we’ve been through a lot the last couple of years. We’re pretty tight, right? So I’m just trying to save you from the embarrasment.
[ Eddie nods in agreement ]
Lauren Hutton: Eddie?
Joe Piscopo: So long, pal…
[ Joe waves and disappears into thin air ]
Lauren Hutton: Look at this. [ she steps out in a short black negligee, fully exposing her stocking tops and garters ] I mean, my God! I’m supposed to be playing an archaeologist in this next sketch! They’ve got me in THREE of these things! I think those two writers — you know, those two guys? — they just want me to be in underwear the entire time.
Eddie Murphy: [ he stands, nervously ] Yeah, well, uh… Lauren? I have to go now. Okay? You look real nice… you dress real good! Okay? You take it easy. Good night.
Lauren Hutton: Okay. Keep it up, then.
Eddie MUrphy: Yes!
[ Eddie exits the dressing room ]
[ Hutton steps back behind her dressing room, as a tinkling sound effect is heard and Joe Piscopo lifts his head over the screen and raises his eyebrows for the audience’s delight ]
[ fade ]