SNL Transcripts: Lauren Hutton: 11/07/81: Lauren’s Dressing Room

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Lauren’s Dressing Room

…..Eddie Murphy
…..Joe Dicso
…..Lauren Hutton
…..Joe Piscopo

[ Joe Dicso steps forward as Eddie Murphy ad-libs his Cosby mimicry for the applauding audience ]

Joe Dicso: Hey, Eddie! Lauren Hutton wants to see you — in her dressing room! [ he smiles before backing away ]

Eddie Murphy: [ intrigued ] In her dressing room? [ he faces the audience ] Excuse me!

[ fade to black, the fade in on Lauren Hutton’s dressing room ]

[ Hutton walks past a crouching stagehand to sit at the mirror and read over her scripts ]

[ a knock at the door ]

Lauren Hutton: Yes?

Eddie Murphy: Uh — Lauren! It’s me, Eddie Murphy!

Lauren Hutton: Oh, Eddie! Good! Come in!

[ Eddie enters, somewhat shyly ]

Eddie Murphy: Hello, Lauren Hutton!

Lauren Hutton: [ she laughs ] Hi, Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: How you doing? What’s up?

Lauren Hutton: Nothing. I just thought… you got some time?

[ he sits on the desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Yeah… I got a couple minutes. Why,

Lauren Hutton: Well… I just want to tell you something. And that is… you’re a star! You’re a real star.

Eddie Murphy: Oh! Well, thank you, I appreciate it!

Lauren Hutton: EVerybody out there is real glad to have you.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks a lot. Thank you.

Lauren Hutton: [ she removes her fedora and wraps her arms around her head ] And… uh… I mean, you are so funny… I don’t mean to bug you, but…

Eddie Murphy: [ curious ] What?

Lauren Hutton: I’m a little scared, my heart’s beating…

Eddie Murphy: Oh, you’ll be fine! Don’t worry about it!

Lauren Hutton: Would you do your Buckwheat for me?

Eddie Murphy: Do what?

Lauren Hutton: Buckwheat! Please! Come on!

Eddie Murphy: Oh, come on… I’m not doing Buckwheat!

Lauren Hutton: Eddie… please… one little Buckwheat!

Eddie Murphy: [ in character ] “Hi, I’m Buckwheat O-tay!” [ he gives the Okay sign ]

Lauren Hutton: [ pleased ] That’s wonderful! I mean, you are very

Eddie Murphy: [ still in character ] “You sure are a beautiful woman, Miss Hutton!” [ she laughs ] “O-tay!”

Lauren Hutton: [ she stands ] Would you do… Stevie Wonder for me?

Eddie Murphy: Come on, Lauren! I’m not doing Stevie Wonder inside here…

Lauren Hutton: You want me to grovel? I’ll do it.

Eddie Murphy: Don’t grovel.

Lauren Hutton: Okay.

Eddie Murphy: Stop it. You want me to do Stevie Wonder?

Lauren Hutton: Yeah.

[ Eddie puts on a pair of sunglasse, tilts his head back and smiles ]

Lauren Hutton: Oh, that’s great! How about, you and me…

[ a knock at the door ]

Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Miss Hutton. [ he winks at Eddie before closing the door ]

Lauren Hutton: Oh, my God. I’ve got to change.

Eddie Murphy: Oh. You gotta change? I’ll leave, then.

Lauren Hutton: No, no! Stay here, if you can. If you’ve got time. It relaxes me a lot. [ she steps behind her changing screen ]

Eddie Murphy: It relaxes you when I’m in here?

Lauren Hutton: Yeah!

Eddie Murphy: You’re relaxed? [ he sits on the couch ] It relaxes you, huh?

Lauren Hutton: Yes.

[ Hutton flips her robe over the screen, then extends her leg within Eddie’s view and begins to pull a black stocking up her leg ]

Eddie Murphy: [ with eyes glued ] I’m gonna RELAX you, alright!

[ as Eddie watches, licking his lips, Joe Piscopo materializes next to him on the couch ]

Joe Piscopo: Forget it, Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: Hey, Joe, what are you doing in here? GEt out of here, man! Lauren Hutton wants me to relax her, and I’m going to — thoroughly! Take a walk!

Joe Piscopo: [ laughing ] Come on!

Eddie Murphy: Joe, I’m serious, man! The woman got it BAD for me, so you better leave — I’m gonna be needing this couch. Okay? She want me to put it down! So she WILL get put down.

Joe Piscopo: Wait, wait, wait. Eddie, hold on. You’re gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton?

Eddie Murphy: Damn right, I’m gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton!

Joe Piscopo: Are you sure you’re man enough?

Eddie Murphy: [ he laughs ] What are you talking about, man! I’m Eddie Murphy!

Joe Piscopo: Listen — yeah! [ he chuckles ] But we’re not talking about one of those girls from Roosevelt High, Eddie. This is Lauren Hutton, one of the most BEAUTIFUL women in the WORLD!

Eddie Murphy: Joe, I can handle her, okay?

Joe Piscopo: Yeah. You can handle her — she played opposite Burt Reynolds, Robert Redford, Richard Gere… These are white guys, do you know them?

Eddie Murphy: Joe, I don’t care if she played opposite Richard Roundtree, okay? [ Joe laughs ] She WANTS me!

Joe Piscopo: Hey, what makes you think she’d be interested in you?

Eddie Murphy: What? She thinks I’m FUNNY, man!

Joe Piscopo: Yeah, I can’t believe how young you are sometimes, man. Hey — have you ever heard of premature ejaculation?

[ Eddie’s face turns sour, as he looks about the room with worry ]

Joe Piscopo: Yeah?

Eddie Murphy: [ uneasy ] I’ll be okay…

Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, she thinks you’re funny, right?

Eddie Murphy: So…?

Joe Piscopo: Well, what if you take off your clothes, and she thinks you’re even funnier? Edie, we both know the myth isn’t true. [ he nods ]

Eddie Murphy: Oh…

Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, listen — you know, we’ve been through a lot the last couple of years. We’re pretty tight, right? So I’m just trying to save you from the embarrasment.

[ Eddie nods in agreement ]

Lauren Hutton: Eddie?

Joe Piscopo: So long, pal…

[ Joe waves and disappears into thin air ]

Lauren Hutton: Look at this. [ she steps out in a short black negligee, fully exposing her stocking tops and garters ] I mean, my God! I’m supposed to be playing an archaeologist in this next sketch! They’ve got me in THREE of these things! I think those two writers — you know, those two guys? — they just want me to be in underwear the entire time.

Eddie Murphy: [ he stands, nervously ] Yeah, well, uh… Lauren? I have to go now. Okay? You look real nice… you dress real good! Okay? You take it easy. Good night.

Lauren Hutton: Okay. Keep it up, then.

Eddie MUrphy: Yes!

[ Eddie exits the dressing room ]

[ Hutton steps back behind her dressing room, as a tinkling sound effect is heard and Joe Piscopo lifts his head over the screen and raises his eyebrows for the audience’s delight ]

[ fade ]

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