SNL Transcripts: Lauren Hutton: 11/07/81: Lauren’s Dressing Room


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Lauren’s Dressing Room

…..Eddie Murphy
…..Joe Dicso
…..Lauren Hutton
…..Joe Piscopo

[ Joe Dicso steps forward as Eddie Murphy ad-libs his Cosby mimicry for the applauding audience ]

Joe Dicso: Hey, Eddie! Lauren Hutton wants to see you — in her dressing room! [ he smiles before backing away ]

Eddie Murphy: [ intrigued ] In her dressing room? [ he faces the audience ] Excuse me!

[ fade to black, the fade in on Lauren Hutton’s dressing room ]

[ Hutton walks past a crouching stagehand to sit at the mirror and read over her scripts ]

[ a knock at the door ]

Lauren Hutton: Yes?

Eddie Murphy: Uh — Lauren! It’s me, Eddie Murphy!

Lauren Hutton: Oh, Eddie! Good! Come in!

[ Eddie enters, somewhat shyly ]

Eddie Murphy: Hello, Lauren Hutton!

Lauren Hutton: [ she laughs ] Hi, Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: How you doing? What’s up?

Lauren Hutton: Nothing. I just thought… you got some time?

[ he sits on the desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Yeah… I got a couple minutes. Why,

Lauren Hutton: Well… I just want to tell you something. And that is… you’re a star! You’re a real star.

Eddie Murphy: Oh! Well, thank you, I appreciate it!

Lauren Hutton: EVerybody out there is real glad to have you.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks a lot. Thank you.

Lauren Hutton: [ she removes her fedora and wraps her arms around her head ] And… uh… I mean, you are so funny… I don’t mean to bug you, but…

Eddie Murphy: [ curious ] What?

Lauren Hutton: I’m a little scared, my heart’s beating…

Eddie Murphy: Oh, you’ll be fine! Don’t worry about it!

Lauren Hutton: Would you do your Buckwheat for me?

Eddie Murphy: Do what?

Lauren Hutton: Buckwheat! Please! Come on!

Eddie Murphy: Oh, come on… I’m not doing Buckwheat!

Lauren Hutton: Eddie… please… one little Buckwheat!

Eddie Murphy: [ in character ] “Hi, I’m Buckwheat O-tay!” [ he gives the Okay sign ]

Lauren Hutton: [ pleased ] That’s wonderful! I mean, you are very

Eddie Murphy: [ still in character ] “You sure are a beautiful woman, Miss Hutton!” [ she laughs ] “O-tay!”

Lauren Hutton: [ she stands ] Would you do… Stevie Wonder for me?

Eddie Murphy: Come on, Lauren! I’m not doing Stevie Wonder inside here…

Lauren Hutton: You want me to grovel? I’ll do it.

Eddie Murphy: Don’t grovel.

Lauren Hutton: Okay.

Eddie Murphy: Stop it. You want me to do Stevie Wonder?

Lauren Hutton: Yeah.

[ Eddie puts on a pair of sunglasse, tilts his head back and smiles ]

Lauren Hutton: Oh, that’s great! How about, you and me…

[ a knock at the door ]

Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Miss Hutton. [ he winks at Eddie before closing the door ]

Lauren Hutton: Oh, my God. I’ve got to change.

Eddie Murphy: Oh. You gotta change? I’ll leave, then.

Lauren Hutton: No, no! Stay here, if you can. If you’ve got time. It relaxes me a lot. [ she steps behind her changing screen ]

Eddie Murphy: It relaxes you when I’m in here?

Lauren Hutton: Yeah!

Eddie Murphy: You’re relaxed? [ he sits on the couch ] It relaxes you, huh?

Lauren Hutton: Yes.

[ Hutton flips her robe over the screen, then extends her leg within Eddie’s view and begins to pull a black stocking up her leg ]

Eddie Murphy: [ with eyes glued ] I’m gonna RELAX you, alright!

[ as Eddie watches, licking his lips, Joe Piscopo materializes next to him on the couch ]

Joe Piscopo: Forget it, Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: Hey, Joe, what are you doing in here? GEt out of here, man! Lauren Hutton wants me to relax her, and I’m going to — thoroughly! Take a walk!

Joe Piscopo: [ laughing ] Come on!

Eddie Murphy: Joe, I’m serious, man! The woman got it BAD for me, so you better leave — I’m gonna be needing this couch. Okay? She want me to put it down! So she WILL get put down.

Joe Piscopo: Wait, wait, wait. Eddie, hold on. You’re gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton?

Eddie Murphy: Damn right, I’m gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton!

Joe Piscopo: Are you sure you’re man enough?

Eddie Murphy: [ he laughs ] What are you talking about, man! I’m Eddie Murphy!

Joe Piscopo: Listen — yeah! [ he chuckles ] But we’re not talking about one of those girls from Roosevelt High, Eddie. This is Lauren Hutton, one of the most BEAUTIFUL women in the WORLD!

Eddie Murphy: Joe, I can handle her, okay?

Joe Piscopo: Yeah. You can handle her — she played opposite Burt Reynolds, Robert Redford, Richard Gere… These are white guys, do you know them?

Eddie Murphy: Joe, I don’t care if she played opposite Richard Roundtree, okay? [ Joe laughs ] She WANTS me!

Joe Piscopo: Hey, what makes you think she’d be interested in you?

Eddie Murphy: What? She thinks I’m FUNNY, man!

Joe Piscopo: Yeah, I can’t believe how young you are sometimes, man. Hey — have you ever heard of premature ejaculation?

[ Eddie’s face turns sour, as he looks about the room with worry ]

Joe Piscopo: Yeah?

Eddie Murphy: [ uneasy ] I’ll be okay…

Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, she thinks you’re funny, right?

Eddie Murphy: So…?

Joe Piscopo: Well, what if you take off your clothes, and she thinks you’re even funnier? Edie, we both know the myth isn’t true. [ he nods ]

Eddie Murphy: Oh…

Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, listen — you know, we’ve been through a lot the last couple of years. We’re pretty tight, right? So I’m just trying to save you from the embarrasment.

[ Eddie nods in agreement ]

Lauren Hutton: Eddie?

Joe Piscopo: So long, pal…

[ Joe waves and disappears into thin air ]

Lauren Hutton: Look at this. [ she steps out in a short black negligee, fully exposing her stocking tops and garters ] I mean, my God! I’m supposed to be playing an archaeologist in this next sketch! They’ve got me in THREE of these things! I think those two writers — you know, those two guys? — they just want me to be in underwear the entire time.

Eddie Murphy: [ he stands, nervously ] Yeah, well, uh… Lauren? I have to go now. Okay? You look real nice… you dress real good! Okay? You take it easy. Good night.

Lauren Hutton: Okay. Keep it up, then.

Eddie MUrphy: Yes!

[ Eddie exits the dressing room ]

[ Hutton steps back behind her dressing room, as a tinkling sound effect is heard and Joe Piscopo lifts his head over the screen and raises his eyebrows for the audience’s delight ]

[ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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