SNL Transcripts: Lauren Hutton: 11/07/81: Velvet Jones School Of Technology


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Velvet Jones School Of Technology

Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy

Velvet Jones: Due to the overwhelming response of my last book, entitled… [ he holds up the book ] “I Wanna Be A Ho”… there is yet another high-payin’ job in demand. Hi! I’m Velvet Jones! Are you a male high school dropout between the ages of 18 and 42? Do you have three or more gold teeth in the front of your mouth? Do you like flashy coats, big cars, and like kicking women in the butt? If so, stop doing all these things for free, ’cause thanks to me, Velvet Jones, you, too, in six short weeks, can be taught to be a high-payin’ PIMP! THat’s right, it’s a well-known fact that a good pimp can make up to $250,000 a year! And just think — because it’s off the books, you can still get your welfare check! Sounds too good to be true? It is! And, basically, all you do is drive around in a big pink Cadillac, kick women in the butt, and take their money! Sounds simple? It is, when you know how. Just send for my new book, entitled… [ he holds up the book ] “I Want to Drive a Pink Cadillac, Wear Diamond Rings…” [ he flips to the back cover ] “and Kick Women in the Butt”! In it, you’ll find all the latest in clothes, and special leg exercises you can use… so when you kick your hos, they know you mean business! If you order now, I’ll throw in — absolutely free — this pamphlet called… [ he holds up pamphlet ] “12 Easy Ways to Stomp a Ho”. Here’s how to order: Rush $83.95 to “I Want to Drive a Pink Cadillac, Wear Diamond Rings, and Kick Women in the Butt”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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