SNL Transcripts: Bernadette Peters: 11/14/81: Hidden Photo



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6


























81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Hidden Photo

Allen Funt…..Joe Piscopo
Waitress/Woman…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on wide shot of studio audience, as “Hidden Photo” theme song plays ]

[ zoom in on bearded man in the audience ]

Jingle: “Wow! You’re on Hidden Photo”!

Announcer: And now, Mr. Hidden Photo himself!

[ dissolve to close-up of TV screen with title screen, pull back to reveal Allen Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: We believe that there is NOTHING more hilarious… than people caught in the act of being themselves! You know, one of the BEST-LOVED gags of all time is the old Hot Foot! Remember that? Right? Well, we went to the Teaneck Diner in New Jersey to try a variation on the old Hot Foot! We call it the Hot Fork!

[ he turns to face the monitor, as the footage appears ]

[ dissolve to full-screen footage ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, the speciality of the house is the Cheesecake.

Diner: [ to Waitress ] Cheesecake.

Waitress: Cheesecake. [ she exits to the kitchen ]

[ cut to a fork being heated over an open grill ]

Allen Funt V/O: The kitchen has been heating the fork ’til it glows red hot! Watch.

[ the heated fork is pressed down on a steak, which sizzles immediately ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, that’s HOT! But, just to make sure…

[ the fork is held back over the open grill ]

[ cut to Funt in the kitchen placing the cheesecake on the counter and ringing the bell ]

[ the Waitress brings the cheesecake and the hot fork to the diner ]

Allen Funt V/O: She’s expecting a bite of cool, creamy cheesecake! What she’s gonna get… is a mouthful of seared flesh!

[ the diner cuts a piece of cheesecake with her fork and brings it into her mouth. She screams and hops out of her seat as the Waitress alughs hysterically. ]

[ cut to a Male Diner receiving a slice of cheesecake ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, watch this big guy here!

[ the Male Diner puts the cheesecake into his mouth, then nearly gags on it as his mouth burns… then he begins to shout obscenities ]

[ cut to the Waitress bringing cheesecake to two Japanese businessmen ]

Waitress: This is called Cheese…cake! It’s an American dessert. You like to try?

[ the Japanese businessmen laugh, then politely unfold their napkins in preparation to eat the cheesecake ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, these fellas probably can’t speak a word of English! But, as you all know, pain is an international language!

[ the Japanese businessmen put the cheesecake in their mouthes, then jump up and start screaming into their napkins ]

[ suddenly, Funt emerges from the kitchen, laughing, and raps his arm around the two businessmen as the Waitress returns, also laughing ]

Allen Funt: Guys… [ he points ] Look in that camera right there! Look at that camera! Huh? You recognize me, right?

[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: Boy, I bet it’ll be a long tme before any of those fellows order cheesecake again! You know, New York is famous for its street characters, and we want you to meet one of our favorites! Watch!

[ dissolve to footage of a blind man standing on a street corner with his seeing-eye dog ]

Allen Funt V/O: Anybody who hangs around the corner of 6th Avenue and Vinetta is BOUND to see him. His name is Willie. Willie, of course, is blind… but that doesn’t stop him from selling pencils. We’re gonna have some fun with Willie. Watch!

[ crew member places a “Vicious Dog, Stay Away!!!” sign over Willie’s “Help Me, I’m Blind” sign ]

[ reveal camera crew in plain sight, snickering ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, this is one time we didn’t even have to conceal the camera!

[ reveal woman (the fake waitress from earlier) standing next to Willie ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, watch — watch! She’s gonna distract him…

[ the woman bumps into Willie ]

Woman: I’m sorry, excuse me. But these are very lovely pencils, can I have one? May I have a red one, please?

[ a crew member enters the scene and removes Willie’s dog, as Willie hands the woman a pencil ]

Woman: No, no… that’s not red! That’s purple!

[ the crew member ties a pig to Willie’s leash, then prompts the pig to run down the street, pulling a hapless Willie with him ]

[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: [ laughing ] Just beautiful! You know, our show has been around for TWENTY YEARS! And the piece of film we’re about to show you TILL makes us laugh! We went to the Salisbury Elementary School in Westbury, New York to see what would happen if we told a group of third-graders that their parents were putting them up for adoption! Watch!

[ dissolve to black-and-footage of a little girl ]

Allen Funt V/O: Meliisa, I called you out of class to tell you your Mommy and Daddy are putting you up for adoption. [ the girl is stunned ] That’s right — they don’t love you any more, and they’re giving you away!

[ she lowers her head, her eyes droop, and she begins to weep pitifully ]

Allen Funt V/O: We told the same thing to every kid in the class, and every one of them reacted the same!

[ cut to a boy scout crying and lowering his head onto the desk ]

[ cut to another boy running across the room, screaming, as he knocks a chair to the floor and throws himself against the wall ]

[ cut to a little girl wearing a crown, as she cries with her face agaisnt the wall ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, come on, Debby — give me the crown! [ she holds onto her crown ] I’m giving it to another little girl, whose parents love her and want to keep her! Debbie, listen to me! It’s time to go to the orphanage! [ she keeps crying ] Debbie…

[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: [ choking with laughter ] It’s SO easy to fool kids, isn’t it! Debbie learned the HARD way that… sometime, somewhere, someplace when you LEAST expect it, someone might come up to you and say…

[ cut to the audience ]

The Audience: “Smile! You’re on “Hidden Photo”!”

Allen Funt: Goodnight, everybody!

[ the jingle playsw out to fade ]

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