SNL Transcripts: Bernadette Peters: 11/14/81: Nick The Knock


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Nick The Knock

Nick The Knock…..Joe Piscopo
Fairy…..Mary Gross

[ open on stage exterior, as the curtains open to reveal hand puppet Nick the Knock jumping around on stage, humming to himself until he spots a record player ]

Nick The Knock: Ooh — music! Oh, boy, here we go!

[ he cranks up the record player, then begins to dance and hum to the music that will later open SNL’s Hans & Franz sketches ]

Nick The Knock: Oh boy, oh boy!

[ he grabs the record and smashes it against the record player ] [ suddenly, a fairy flies into view ]

Nick The Knock: Ooh! Ooh! Oh, how pretty! Ooh!

Fairy: Hello, Nick! Hello, Nick the Knock!

Nick The Knock: Wow, look at… ooh!

Fairy: Hi, Nick!

Nick The Knock: Wow! Let’s see who that is!

[ Nick leans down until his face is right next to the fairy ]

Fairy: Hello, Nick!

Nick The Knock: Hi! Ooh!

Fairy: I brought you another poem. [ Nick appears confused ] Nick, although you are very strange…

Nick The Knock: Yes?

Fairy: I like to think I see beauty in you that others are too busy to notice. So I have brought you this: The gift of truth.

[ Nick smiles as she begins to recite her poem ]

“Truth never dies. The ages come and go.
The mountains wear away, the stars retire
Destruction lays Earth’s mighty cities low;
And empires, states and dynasties expire.
But caught and handed onwarded by the wise,
Truth never dies.

As rests the Sphinx amid Egyptian sands;
As looms on high the snowy peak and crest
As firm and patient as Gibralter stands,
So Truth, uwearied, waits the era blest,
Men shall turn to it with great surprise.
Truth never dies.”

[ a series of knocks are heard at the door ]

Nick The Knock: Wow, that was beautiful! Beautiful! [ he stands ] What? Someone’s at the door! Ooh! Ooh! Here we go! Let’s see who’s at the door! The door!

[ Nick opens the door and is swatted with a rubber bat ]

Nick The Knock: Oo-oo-ooh, whoa! That was terrific!

[ another series of knocks are heard at the door ]

Nick The Knock: Whoa! There’s ANOTHER knock at the door! Who could that be?

[ Nick opens the door and is again swatted with a rubber bat ]

Nick The Knock: Heyyyy, what’s going on here! Huh? Oh, boy! [ to the Fairy ] Well, hey, you — come here! I know what I’m gonna do to you, you little thing! I’m gonna eat your spine!

[ Nick grabs the Fairy by the throat and proceeds to eat her spine, as green blood splashes all over his face amid her screams ]

Nick The Knock: Oh, boy, that’s good! Boy, that’s good! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

[ the curtains close, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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