SNL Transcripts: Bernadette Peters: 11/14/81: Power Failure


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Power Failure

Woman…..Christine Ebersole
Man…..Tony Rosato
NBC Censor…..Tim Kazurinsky

Woman: Jerry, could you just put that stuff on the table for me?

Man: Yeah, sure.. no problem. [ puts stuff down ] So, uh.. look, I hope you got a hammer, or something, to put this thing up..

Woman: Oh, yeah.. look, I’ve got a hammer, I’ve got nails, I’ve got everything.. I just can’t put this stuff up myself, I really appreciate all your help.

Man: Oh, hey, no problem, I don’t mind. If you make me dinner,we’ll call it even!

Woman: Okay.

Man: Now, where do you keep the ladder?

Woman: In the closet.

Man: [ pulls ladder out of closet ] That’s a small one, is it going to be tall enough?

[ lights suddenly go out ]

Woman: Tony, what happened?

Man: What’s going on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Uh.. Tony, Chris.. we’re having some lighting problems..

Man: Are we still on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Oh, we’re working on it. Just keep the set going..

Man: We can’t see the cards, though.. [ to the non-visible audience ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a technical problem.. uh.. the scene is now going to be be about a guy helping a girl put up some curtains.. in the bottom of a coal mine.. Okay.. where were we?

Woman: [ now improvising ] Oh.. I see you have the ladder.

Man: Yes. Here it is.. [ accidentally drops the ladder on Christine ]

Woman: Ow!

Man: I’m sorry.. you got it..? Yeah, I got the ladder! Why don’t I put up the ladder and put the stuff up, and you hand it up to me?

Woman: Alright. Okay, fine.. are you up there yet?

Man: Yeah. Don’t give it to me ’til I get up here..

Woman: Okay..

Man: Grab the rod, will you?

Woman: Okay.. Do you want me to take it out for you?

Man: No, I can manage.. I can manage.. Alright..

Woman: Whoa, look how long this is..

Man: Well, what did you expect?

Woman: I don’t know.. I’ve never done anything like this before..

Man: Oh, really?

Woman: Yeah.. so what do you do, just take it out and then you put that in there, and that’s it, huh?

Man: That’s it. Now, that’s what I call well-hung!

NBC Censor: [ voice heard running in ] Hold it! Hold it right there!

Man: Wha.. what’s wrong? Who are you?

NBC Censor: I’m Al Segal, you know me, the NBC Censor?

Man: We’re in the middle of a sketch..

NBC Censor: You know.. listen, you can’t do this kind of stuff!

Woman: What do you mean? You approved the script..

NBC Censor: I.. yeah, I approved a script, but that was when it was clear, it was obvious that you were putting up a curtain rod and hanging curtains! When you can’t see that stuff, it sounds completely different!

Man: Well, you got a dirty mind, you know? I mean, that’s notmy fault that the lights went out..

Woman: You mean, you thought that.. oh, that’s gross!

Man: Al, you got the wrong idea.

NBC Censor: Look, just skip the curtains, will you? Go on with the rest of the scene, have dinner or something, alright?

Man: Dinner? That’s not even in the script..

Woman: Let’s just play along with him, Tony, alright? Uh.. let’s skip the curtains, and just have dinner!

Man: Nice ad-lib.. nice ad-lib.. Uh.. sure, okay.. what do we have for dinner?

Woman: [ approaches fridge in the dark ] Uh.. how about these melons? [ holds up a pair of melons ]

Man: Oh, wow.. those look really nice! I like these jugs, too.. [ grabs some jugs sitting on the counter in the dark ]

NBC Censor: [ running back in ] Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

Man: What?! What’s wrong now, for God’s sake!

NBC Censor: You know you can’t do this sort of stuff!

Man: What sort of stuff!

Woman: Yeah, what sort of stuff!

NBC Censor: Hey, don’t play dumb with me, Missy! I’m just trying to do my job!

Man: Look, Al, I think you’ve got the wrong idea. Can I justshow you something here.. shed a little light on the situation? [ opens fridge ] Theses are real melons! Huh? And that’s the jug I was talking about!

NBC Censor: Mr. Rosato, looking at this so-called dinner, I seenothing but melons, and sausages, and buns, and bananas, and donuts – now, don’t tell me you didn’t have this planned!

Woman: Oh, this is asinine! Get the Producer down here!Dick! Dick!

NBC Censor: Hey! What are you doing!

Woman: Dick! Get me Dick!

NBC Censor: You can’t say that on television!

Man: Al, relax, will you? The producer’s name really is Dick. I mean, Dick Ebersol. What’s wrong with you? You’re flipping out, I think you’ve been handling this job just a little too much..

NBC Censor: God.. maybe you’re right.. I’m sorry..

Woman: Good grief, you could take anything the wrong way. I am personally offended that you would think that I would do sleaze like that!

NBC Censor: I-I-I’m sorry. I mean, you do this job long enough, you go nuts!

Man: Well, there. There’s the perfect example. Had we said “nuts”, we’d have been cut off the air!

Woman: Yeah!

NBC Censor: You’re right, I would have killed ya! [ pause ] I’m sorry. Kids, I’m sorry..

Man: No problem.

NBC Censor: Just go on with the rest of the sketch. [ exits scene ]

Woman: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Take it easy. Go home, take a rest.

Woman: Where were we?

Man: Is he gone?

Woman: Yeah, he’s gone.

Man: Alright, let’s keep going. Where were we?

Woman: I was saying, “Jerry, come to me! Give me all your love..”

Man: “Okay.. but let’s take our clothes off first..”

[ sketch remains black and fades to obscurity ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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