SNL Transcripts: Bernadette Peters: 11/14/81: Power Failure

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Power Failure

Woman…..Christine Ebersole
Man…..Tony Rosato
NBC Censor…..Tim Kazurinsky

Woman: Jerry, could you just put that stuff on the table for me?

Man: Yeah, sure.. no problem. [ puts stuff down ] So, uh.. look, I hope you got a hammer, or something, to put this thing up..

Woman: Oh, yeah.. look, I’ve got a hammer, I’ve got nails, I’ve got everything.. I just can’t put this stuff up myself, I really appreciate all your help.

Man: Oh, hey, no problem, I don’t mind. If you make me dinner,we’ll call it even!

Woman: Okay.

Man: Now, where do you keep the ladder?

Woman: In the closet.

Man: [ pulls ladder out of closet ] That’s a small one, is it going to be tall enough?

[ lights suddenly go out ]

Woman: Tony, what happened?

Man: What’s going on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Uh.. Tony, Chris.. we’re having some lighting problems..

Man: Are we still on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Oh, we’re working on it. Just keep the set going..

Man: We can’t see the cards, though.. [ to the non-visible audience ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a technical problem.. uh.. the scene is now going to be be about a guy helping a girl put up some curtains.. in the bottom of a coal mine.. Okay.. where were we?

Woman: [ now improvising ] Oh.. I see you have the ladder.

Man: Yes. Here it is.. [ accidentally drops the ladder on Christine ]

Woman: Ow!

Man: I’m sorry.. you got it..? Yeah, I got the ladder! Why don’t I put up the ladder and put the stuff up, and you hand it up to me?

Woman: Alright. Okay, fine.. are you up there yet?

Man: Yeah. Don’t give it to me ’til I get up here..

Woman: Okay..

Man: Grab the rod, will you?

Woman: Okay.. Do you want me to take it out for you?

Man: No, I can manage.. I can manage.. Alright..

Woman: Whoa, look how long this is..

Man: Well, what did you expect?

Woman: I don’t know.. I’ve never done anything like this before..

Man: Oh, really?

Woman: Yeah.. so what do you do, just take it out and then you put that in there, and that’s it, huh?

Man: That’s it. Now, that’s what I call well-hung!

NBC Censor: [ voice heard running in ] Hold it! Hold it right there!

Man: Wha.. what’s wrong? Who are you?

NBC Censor: I’m Al Segal, you know me, the NBC Censor?

Man: We’re in the middle of a sketch..

NBC Censor: You know.. listen, you can’t do this kind of stuff!

Woman: What do you mean? You approved the script..

NBC Censor: I.. yeah, I approved a script, but that was when it was clear, it was obvious that you were putting up a curtain rod and hanging curtains! When you can’t see that stuff, it sounds completely different!

Man: Well, you got a dirty mind, you know? I mean, that’s notmy fault that the lights went out..

Woman: You mean, you thought that.. oh, that’s gross!

Man: Al, you got the wrong idea.

NBC Censor: Look, just skip the curtains, will you? Go on with the rest of the scene, have dinner or something, alright?

Man: Dinner? That’s not even in the script..

Woman: Let’s just play along with him, Tony, alright? Uh.. let’s skip the curtains, and just have dinner!

Man: Nice ad-lib.. nice ad-lib.. Uh.. sure, okay.. what do we have for dinner?

Woman: [ approaches fridge in the dark ] Uh.. how about these melons? [ holds up a pair of melons ]

Man: Oh, wow.. those look really nice! I like these jugs, too.. [ grabs some jugs sitting on the counter in the dark ]

NBC Censor: [ running back in ] Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

Man: What?! What’s wrong now, for God’s sake!

NBC Censor: You know you can’t do this sort of stuff!

Man: What sort of stuff!

Woman: Yeah, what sort of stuff!

NBC Censor: Hey, don’t play dumb with me, Missy! I’m just trying to do my job!

Man: Look, Al, I think you’ve got the wrong idea. Can I justshow you something here.. shed a little light on the situation? [ opens fridge ] Theses are real melons! Huh? And that’s the jug I was talking about!

NBC Censor: Mr. Rosato, looking at this so-called dinner, I seenothing but melons, and sausages, and buns, and bananas, and donuts – now, don’t tell me you didn’t have this planned!

Woman: Oh, this is asinine! Get the Producer down here!Dick! Dick!

NBC Censor: Hey! What are you doing!

Woman: Dick! Get me Dick!

NBC Censor: You can’t say that on television!

Man: Al, relax, will you? The producer’s name really is Dick. I mean, Dick Ebersol. What’s wrong with you? You’re flipping out, I think you’ve been handling this job just a little too much..

NBC Censor: God.. maybe you’re right.. I’m sorry..

Woman: Good grief, you could take anything the wrong way. I am personally offended that you would think that I would do sleaze like that!

NBC Censor: I-I-I’m sorry. I mean, you do this job long enough, you go nuts!

Man: Well, there. There’s the perfect example. Had we said “nuts”, we’d have been cut off the air!

Woman: Yeah!

NBC Censor: You’re right, I would have killed ya! [ pause ] I’m sorry. Kids, I’m sorry..

Man: No problem.

NBC Censor: Just go on with the rest of the sketch. [ exits scene ]

Woman: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Take it easy. Go home, take a rest.

Woman: Where were we?

Man: Is he gone?

Woman: Yeah, he’s gone.

Man: Alright, let’s keep going. Where were we?

Woman: I was saying, “Jerry, come to me! Give me all your love..”

Man: “Okay.. but let’s take our clothes off first..”

[ sketch remains black and fades to obscurity ]

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