Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 6
NBC Censor…..Tim Kazurinsky
Woman: Jerry, could you just put that stuff on the table for me?
Man: Yeah, sure.. no problem. [ puts stuff down ] So, uh.. look, I hope you got a hammer, or something, to put this thing up..
Woman: Oh, yeah.. look, I’ve got a hammer, I’ve got nails, I’ve got everything.. I just can’t put this stuff up myself, I really appreciate all your help.
Man: Oh, hey, no problem, I don’t mind. If you make me dinner,we’ll call it even!
Man: Now, where do you keep the ladder?
Woman: In the closet.
Man: [ pulls ladder out of closet ] That’s a small one, is it going to be tall enough?[ lights suddenly go out ]
Woman: Tony, what happened?
Man: What’s going on?
Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Uh.. Tony, Chris.. we’re having some lighting problems..
Man: Are we still on?
Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Oh, we’re working on it. Just keep the set going..
Man: We can’t see the cards, though.. [ to the non-visible audience ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a technical problem.. uh.. the scene is now going to be be about a guy helping a girl put up some curtains.. in the bottom of a coal mine.. Okay.. where were we?
Woman: [ now improvising ] Oh.. I see you have the ladder.
Man: Yes. Here it is.. [ accidentally drops the ladder on Christine ]
Man: I’m sorry.. you got it..? Yeah, I got the ladder! Why don’t I put up the ladder and put the stuff up, and you hand it up to me?
Woman: Alright. Okay, fine.. are you up there yet?
Man: Yeah. Don’t give it to me ’til I get up here..
Man: Grab the rod, will you?
Woman: Okay.. Do you want me to take it out for you?
Man: No, I can manage.. I can manage.. Alright..
Woman: Whoa, look how long this is..
Man: Well, what did you expect?
Woman: I don’t know.. I’ve never done anything like this before..
Man: Oh, really?
Woman: Yeah.. so what do you do, just take it out and then you put that in there, and that’s it, huh?
Man: That’s it. Now, that’s what I call well-hung!
NBC Censor: [ voice heard running in ] Hold it! Hold it right there!
Man: Wha.. what’s wrong? Who are you?
NBC Censor: I’m Al Segal, you know me, the NBC Censor?
Man: We’re in the middle of a sketch..
NBC Censor: You know.. listen, you can’t do this kind of stuff!
Woman: What do you mean? You approved the script..
NBC Censor: I.. yeah, I approved a script, but that was when it was clear, it was obvious that you were putting up a curtain rod and hanging curtains! When you can’t see that stuff, it sounds completely different!
Man: Well, you got a dirty mind, you know? I mean, that’s notmy fault that the lights went out..
Woman: You mean, you thought that.. oh, that’s gross!
Man: Al, you got the wrong idea.
NBC Censor: Look, just skip the curtains, will you? Go on with the rest of the scene, have dinner or something, alright?
Man: Dinner? That’s not even in the script..
Woman: Let’s just play along with him, Tony, alright? Uh.. let’s skip the curtains, and just have dinner!
Man: Nice ad-lib.. nice ad-lib.. Uh.. sure, okay.. what do we have for dinner?
Woman: [ approaches fridge in the dark ] Uh.. how about these melons? [ holds up a pair of melons ]
Man: Oh, wow.. those look really nice! I like these jugs, too.. [ grabs some jugs sitting on the counter in the dark ]
NBC Censor: [ running back in ] Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!
Man: What?! What’s wrong now, for God’s sake!
NBC Censor: You know you can’t do this sort of stuff!
Man: What sort of stuff!
Woman: Yeah, what sort of stuff!
NBC Censor: Hey, don’t play dumb with me, Missy! I’m just trying to do my job!
Man: Look, Al, I think you’ve got the wrong idea. Can I justshow you something here.. shed a little light on the situation? [ opens fridge ] Theses are real melons! Huh? And that’s the jug I was talking about!
NBC Censor: Mr. Rosato, looking at this so-called dinner, I seenothing but melons, and sausages, and buns, and bananas, and donuts – now, don’t tell me you didn’t have this planned!
Woman: Oh, this is asinine! Get the Producer down here!Dick! Dick!
NBC Censor: Hey! What are you doing!
Woman: Dick! Get me Dick!
NBC Censor: You can’t say that on television!
Man: Al, relax, will you? The producer’s name really is Dick. I mean, Dick Ebersol. What’s wrong with you? You’re flipping out, I think you’ve been handling this job just a little too much..
NBC Censor: God.. maybe you’re right.. I’m sorry..
Woman: Good grief, you could take anything the wrong way. I am personally offended that you would think that I would do sleaze like that!
NBC Censor: I-I-I’m sorry. I mean, you do this job long enough, you go nuts!
Man: Well, there. There’s the perfect example. Had we said “nuts”, we’d have been cut off the air!
NBC Censor: You’re right, I would have killed ya! [ pause ] I’m sorry. Kids, I’m sorry..
Man: No problem.
NBC Censor: Just go on with the rest of the sketch. [ exits scene ]
Woman: Don’t worry about it.
Man: Take it easy. Go home, take a rest.
Woman: Where were we?
Man: Is he gone?
Woman: Yeah, he’s gone.
Man: Alright, let’s keep going. Where were we?
Woman: I was saying, “Jerry, come to me! Give me all your love..”
Man: “Okay.. but let’s take our clothes off first..”[ sketch remains black and fades to obscurity ]