Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 7
Mick Jagger…..Tim Curry
Mandrell Sisters…..Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross
Shari Lewis…..Robin Duke
Rip Taylor…..Tony Rosato
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on superimposed Rolling Stones lip logo, as “Sympathy For the DEvil” plays ]
Announcer: From Television City in Hollywood — It’s the Mick Jagger Special! Ladies and gentlemen — MICK!
[ Mick Jagger appears from behind the curtain ]
Mick Jagger: Hello! Hello! [ singing ] “Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste!
I’ve been around for a long, long years
Stolen many a man’s soul and faith!
Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!”
Mick Jagger: Hello! I’m Mick Jagger! Welcome to our very first television special ever! Thank you! With our very special musical guests — The Mandrell Sisters!
[ pan over to the Mandrell Sisters performing ]
Mandrell Sisters: [ singing ] “You’ve been singing after dark
We’ve been sleeping all alone
Mick, we miss you!
We’ve been hanging on the phone
We’ve been sleeping all alone
We’re going to kiss you!”
Mick Jagger: Ladies and gentlemen — the Mandrell Sisters! Now, then — You know, some people think that Mick Jagger is a… a little wild! That I’m the kind of bloke who lives on the edge! But that’s not true. [ he contorts his face ] I’m just… an ordinary guy like you! You see… I like PUPPIES! And PLUM PUDDINGS! Cozy evenings by the fire! Or just… walking down the street in ANYTOWN, U.S.A.! [ he struts over to a news stand ] Uh — Excuse me, Sir. [ he taps on the counter ] Uh, Sir? Sir?
[ the clerk finally turns around, revealed to be Frank Nelson ]
Clerk: Uh, yeeeeeeessssss???
Mick Jagger: Um — Do you sell magazines, Sir?
Clerk: Uh, no! No, THIS is a jumbo jet and I’m the stewardess! Would you like a drink?
Mick Jagger: Uhhhh… no, not really. No. Uh, do you have any magazines?
Clerk: Mmmmm, uhhhhh, yeeeeeeesssss!! [ he turns around ]
Mick Jagger: I say — Excuse me?
[ the clerk turns around ]
Clerk: Oh, it’s you again!
Mick Jagger: [ he laughs ] I’m sorry to bother you, but… do you have “Rolling Stone”?
Clerk: Uhhhhhhh, euuuuuggggghhhhhh!! [ he turns around ]
Mick Jagger: [ to the audience ] I didn’t have the heart to tell him… that this face… [ he contorts his face ] is on the cover of MOST of the rags he’s SELLING! Now… most of you know me as a singer-songwriter-performer. A guy who lives on the edge. But there’s a person out there… who knows me… as “Daddy.” My biggest fan — my daughter Jade. The other day, she said to me: “Hey, Daddy! If you ever have a network special of your very own, you’ve got to put this act!” I’m talking, of course, about the beautifully preserved Shari Lewis and her loveable friend Lamb Chop! [ he sits next to Lewis ] Hello, Lamb Chop!
Lamb Chop: Hello!
Mick Jagger: Lucky day!
Lamb Chop: [ swooning ] Mick…! [ she faints and pants ]
Mick Jagger: Did I say something wrong?
Shari Lewis: No, it’s just that Lamb Chop is shy! Lamb Chop, speak to him.
Lamb Chop: Oh, Mick… I’m your biggest fan! And I’ve always wanted to meet you… And… And… [ she whispers into Lewis’ ear ]
Shari Lewis: Well, go on and ask him, Lamb Chop! Go on.
Lamb Chop: Mr. Jagger? Mick? Could I have a… itsy… bitsy…… kiss?
Mick Jagger: It would be my pleasure!
[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Lamb Chop ]
Mick Jagger: I haven’t forgotten you either!
[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Shari Lewis ]
Lamb Chop: Mick…? [ panting ] Would you… sing a song for… us?
Mick Jagger: Only if you introduce me!
Lamb Chop: Ohh… My pleasure! [ clears her throat ] Ladies and gentlemen — the god of rock and roll, and… the best tongue-kisser in the business! MICK JAGGER!!
[ Mick runs on stage and sings “Brown Sugar”, until Buckwheat joins him on stage ]
Mick Jagger: I can’t believe it! Buckwheat! What are you doing on my first network special?
Buckwheat: Hi, Bick Dagger! I was dust atoss da hall taping a bew special, based on my album Buh-weet Sings! [ he holds up the album ] It’s Number 18 on the charts with a bullet, and we hoping dat it’s gonna doe dold!
Mick Jagger: Doe dold?
Buckwheat: Doe dold!
Mick Jagger: Well, I just want to remind everyone that Buckwheat’s next special airs this Thursday night on NBC at nine o-clock!
Buckwheat: Eight o’cock pentral!
Mick Jagger: Buckwheat, I wish you the very best with your special. You KNOW I’ll be watching!
Mick Jagger: You know, Buckwheat, when I think about the people who have influenced me, I think of, uh… Muddy Waters… [ he contorts his face ] Big Bill Brunsy… and this man. He’s taught me what performing is all about. Ladies and gentlemen — the comic genius of Mr. RIP TAYLOR!
[ Rip Taylor appears tossing feathers into the audience ]
Rip Taylor: Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! [ he runs up on stage ] How is everybody? Okay? [ the audience screams back ] I can’t hear you! Is everybody okay?! [ the audience screams louder ] Joy! [ he laughs, then picks up a broken Barbie doll ] Well, take a look at this, what’s this? Barbie’s half-sister! Well, laugh it up, kids, it doesn’t get any better! How about this? [ he holds up a bullet-ridden fish ] Holy mackeral! [ he laughs ] Uh, hellooooo! Hellooooo! [ he tosses the fish over his shoulder ] I just had it for the halibut, anyway! [ he laughs, then picks up a fake hand attached to a spring ] How about this? Palm Springs? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Hey, kids, what about this? [ he picks up chattering teeth ] Nine teeth nervous breakdown? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Nine teeth nervous… Oh, my God, they’re blind, too! [ he holds up a pickle ] Mother’s Little Helper? [ he laughs, then points into the audience ] Oh, he got it. You got it, didn’t you? He’s got one in his hands! Okay! [ he taps a paintbrush against the pickle ] Paint It Black? [ he laughs ] Paint It Black, kids. Come on, get with it. [ he laughs, then sprays the audience with seltzer ] You people aren’t laughing! Laugh it up! [ he rubs a six-pack across his head ] As Beers Go By! [ he laughs ] Oh, you’re gonna get these at home and laaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh!! That’s it, kids! That’s it!
[ Taylor runs off stage ]
Mick Jagger: You know — I’ve been called a Living Legend. [ he contorts his mouth ] A man who lives on the edge. But this man has been called… a puppet… a poet… a pirate… a pauper, a pawn, and the Chairman of the Board! Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Francis Albert SINATRA!
[ Sinatra appears on stage ]
Frank Sinatra: [ singing ] “Theeeeeeeeese little town blues!
They are MELTING awayyyyyy!
I’m gonna make a brand new start of it
in old New York!
Annnnnnndddd! If I can make it there
I could make it almost anywhere!
It’s up to you! New! York! New Yorrrrrrrrrrkkkkk!!
[ Jagger joins Sinatra on stage ]
Mick Jagger: Oh! Ring-a-ding-ding, Frank!
Frank Sinatra: [ he wraps his arm around Jagger’s shoulder ] Let me embarrass this man for a moment. I have had the honor to work with great arrangers and conductors — like Don Costa, Gordon Jenkins, Vinnie Balcone, and others just too numerous to mention. And I’ve always had this theory: Rock singers make me PUKE! Except for this man. Mick, you are hip!
Mick Jagger: Oh, thanks, Frank! I’ve always admired your style.
Frank Sinatra: Well, likewise. You and your partner, uh… what’s his name? The guy that looks like Walking Death?
Mick Jagger: Keith Richards.
Frank Sinatra: Keith Richards. Right. That cat. You guys have had some bouncy tunes that I’ve always wanted to sing.
Mick Jagger: Well, no one’s stopping you, Francis Albert!
Frank Sinatra: [ singing ] “Under my thumb!
That gal! She shot me down!
That chick! She pushed me around!
It’s down on meeeeeeeee, JACK!
No difference in the treads she wear
It’s down to me!
Change has come!
Mick Jagger: Remember this one, friend?
[ singing ] “Strangers in the night, exchanging glances
Wondering in the night, what were the chances?
We’d be sharing love, before the night is throooooough?”
Frank Sinatra: [ singing ] “Hey! You! Get off my cloud!
Hey, you! Off my cloud!
You! Take a hike!
Do not hang around, buster!
Two is a crowd!”
[ Sinatra exits the stage, as Jagger drops to his knees ]
Mick Jagger: [ singing ] “Myyyyyyyy kind of town!
Chicago is… myyyyy kind of town!
Hey, this has been MY kind of television special!
[ singing ] “We’ve had some fun, together. [ he contorts his mouth ] On my first big special, ever.
We’ve spent the night together… [ holding back the tears ] yeahhhh!”
Good night, Jade. Daddy’ll be home soon. [ he wiggles his ear ]
[ end credits roll:
[ fade ]