SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 8

Air Date: December 12th, 1981

Host: Bill Murray

Musical Guest: The Spinners

Special Guests: Michael Davis

Cameos: Father Guido Sarducci

Bit Players: Yale Wiffenpoofs

None

Andy Murphy
The Phone Company

Montage

Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: Bill Murray introduces the audience to his close, personal friend, Santa Claus (Andy Murphy).

Transcript

Tales of the UnlikelySummary: A trio of Libyan terrorists (Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Robin Duke) pose as students in an attempt to assassinate President Ronald Reagan on behalf of Colonel Kaddafy.

Transcript

Hotel RoomSummary: Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) mourns the loss of “Tomorrow” by pretending to continue hosting the show in a singy hotel room.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

The Spinners perform a medley of their hitsNote: The Spinners’ medley includes the hits “Then Came You”, “I’ll Be Around”, and “Working My Way Back to You.”

MX-5 TamponsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) promotes the tampons that are stronger than Brenda Vaccarro’s preferred brand.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray outlines the numerous misspellings of Kaddafy. Sportscaster Joe Piscopo airs an early interview with Muhammed Ali (Eddie Murphy) prior to going to him for an update on his boxing career. In a filmed report, Mary Gross gets childrens’ reaction to the overcommercialization of Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Muhammed Ali.

Transcript

Designer Fairy TalesSummary: Brooke Shields (Mary Gross) reads the tale of how elves helped Ralph Lauren (Bill Murray) create a new fashion line.

Recurring Characters: Brooke Shields.

Michael DavisSummary: Prompted by a fan letter, comic-juggler Michael Davis attempts to juggle three bowling balls.

Father Guido Sarducci’s PredictionsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) unveils his psychic predictions for the coming year.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

At Home With The PsychosSummary: Suburban family (Bill Murray, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Eddie Murphy) living next to a cracked nuclear reactor prepare for World War 3 and the opportunity to get rich selling blowhole cosmetic accessories to the radiation-affected survivors.

Transcript

The Economics of ChristmasSummary: Rich couple (Joe Piscopo, Christine Ebersole) turns down Honker’s (Bill Murray) request for a handout in favor of him earning it through trickle-down economics.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

The Yale Wiffenpoofs

GoodnightsTranscript

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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