SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Joe Piscopo
Cassius Clay/Mohammed Ali…..Eddie Murphy
…..Mary Gross
Boy #1…..Seth Green

Announcer: And now, “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchor Brian Doyle-Murray.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, I’m Brian Doyle-Murray.

Our top story tonight: The White House announced today that job vacancies caused by the 1500 Americans who have to leave Libya will be filled by striking PAT-CO air traffic controllers. President Reagan has promised that as he calls endangered Americans home from hostile countries, they will be replaced by air traffic controllers until all 12,000 of them are unemployed again.

Well, this man, Libyan leader, Col. Moammar Kadaffi, has been the study of intense news coverage this week by every major news origanization in America. However, every time his name appears in print, it has a different spelling. “The Chicago Tribune” spells it K-H-A-D-A-F-Y; “The Los Angeles Times” spells it K-A-D-A-F-I; “Newsweek” Magazine, K-A-D-D-A-F-I; “Time” Magazine, G-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The Wall Street Journal”, Q-A-D-H-A-F-I; “The Washington Post”, Q-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The New York Times”, el-Qaddafi. My personal favorite is from the comic book publishers — Kadaffy Duck.

Brian Doyle-Murray: How do you spell Kadaffi? Let us know. [ news screen scroll many weird spellings of Kadaffi ] Our news research department has determined that no two people spell it alike. Send us your spelling of Kadaffi, and remember, it can’t be the same as any of these spellings you’re seeing on the screen right now. The most original spelling of the Libyan leader’s name will be awarded a one-way ticket to Tripoli — that is, if your passport allows you to go there. So, send that in — let us know how YOU spell Kadaffi!

In Little Rock, Arkansas, the state is trying to prove that the theory of Creation is just as scientific as Darwinian evolution, and it should be taught in the public school. Well, State Attorney General, Steve Clark, has been attacked by Creationists as possibly being too sympathetic to the theory of evoluton, and therefore unfit to represent the state. Attorney General Clark, shown here in a courtroom artist’s sketch, says he’s an elected official and cannot be forced to withdraw from the trial.

The government of France announced today that, in addition to selling advanced weapons to ANY country that wants them, it is willing to buy licquor for underaged students while they wait in the car.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, once again, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it, is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe!

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Brian! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports! The big story: Mohammed Ali. Last night. Fight. Drama. Bahama! LOST! It’s been a long road for Ali! I remember when I was a young sportcaster at a small television station, when I interviewed a then-young fighter named Cassius Clay! Let’s take a look!

[ cut to Joe’s early black-and-white footage of the interview ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Sportstime! The big story: Clay! Cassius! Mouth! Big! Fight! Liston! What’s the story, Cassius?

Cassius Clay: I can’t believe Sonny Litoen’s getting inside the ring with me! Getting in with me, Cassius Clay! The man’s a disgrace to boxing! He’s too old to be fighting me! The man’s 32-years-old! 32! The man’s ready for a rocking chair! I guarantee the world — I’m gonna shock the world, prove the world, I’m the greatest fighter of all time! Destroy this man, and I’m gonna keep the Heavyweight Championship of the world for five years straight, then I’m gonna retire from the boxing game, healthy, happy, rich and pretty! I’m the greatet fighter of all time!

[ cut back to Joe in the studio, modern day ]

Joe Piscopo: Well, 2o years later, here! Now! Mohammed Ali! [ Mohammed Ali appears via satellite, aged ] What’s the story, Mohammed?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… But with a face so cheap, I won’t be back for a while.

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, how do you feel after last night’s fight?

Mohammed Ali: [ mumbles unintelligbly ]

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed! Fact! Have you taken one punch too many?

Mohammed Ali: I’m sick and tired of people saying the same old things everytime people walk off from the street. Do I sound like I took too many punches? Everybody’s saying I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m old, I got brain damage. I’m the greatest fighter of all time! People are saying I’m washed up, I’m old, I’m senile — How can you say that after all I’ve done for you? After all I’ve done for you. I MADE you, Cosell!

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, are you gonna fight again?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… [ singing ] “Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-oh. And on this farm, he had some…”

Joe Piscopo: Well, there you have it! Ali, confused. Career? Over! Brain cells? Few! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Joe.

Well, the holiday season brings out the little child in all of us. Correspondent Mary Gross has prepared this special report.

[ cut to footage of Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: Christmas. A time for joy, a time for love, a time for sharing. It’s a special season with a special meaning for us all — especially the young. I’m here at Rockefeller Center to find out what Christmas means to children.

[ cut to responses from various children ]

Boy #1: It’s a major headache! The stores are crowded, and there’s traffic!

Boy #2: It’s so commercialized. I was at Macy’s a few months ago, and they already had the Christmas decorations up!

Girl #1: It has NO religious significance! THe people are just out to make a BUCK!

Boy #3: It just isn’t what it used to be. I remember in, uh… ’77, ’78… THAT was Christmas!

Boy #4: No Christmas specials! Give me a break!

Boy #5: You know who I hate the most? Perry Como!

Girl #1: The WORST thing about Christmas… is having to get together with your family! [ she rolls her eyes ]

Girl #2: It doesn’t matter what they give me; I’m just gonna return it anyway!

Boy #1: I wish they’d just me cash!

[ return to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: The spirit of Christmas, mirrored in the smiling faces of children! This is Mary Gross, saying Merry Christmas one and all.

[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: A fine report, Mary! Thank you! Well, that’s the news. Good night, and Merry Christmas.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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