Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 8
Father Guido Sarducci’s Predictions
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Bill Murray: Ladies and gentlemen — Here i my bookie, my spiritual advisor, and my fellow barhound… Father Guido Sarducci. Father, welcome aboard.[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you!
Bill Murray: Father, what have you been up to? Tell the folks what you’ve been up to.
Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag from his cigarette ] Well… I’m up-a to-a being psychic. That’s-a my thing now. Not-a too-a much money, kind of like-a being-a the Pope. It makes no money. But, I don’t know-a — you know-a Duke University?
Bill Murray: Yeah.
Father Guido Sarducci: Every year, they-a have this thing-a, where-a they invite psychics up-a there to make three predictions for the coming year. And-a, last year, I was-a invited down there with just TOP people. Tamara Rand… and-a Jeanne-a Dixon… Dr. Joaquin-a Lorenzo. Just-a the top ones. And my predictions, I made-a last year, are-a here. They gave-a special permission — they wait until January — that we could open them on television and-a see-a how I did.
Bill Murray: Father, I don’t think anybody ever knew that you were a psychic.
Father Guido Sarducci: Oh, yes… I’ve ben a psychic for-a… quite a while.
Bill Murray: Well, since when? I mean, when did you have your first psychic experience?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well-a, the first time, I was-a just a little boy, like-a eight or nine years old. You know? I was-a with my mother, in fact. It was-a something. We were-a coming back-a from-a the grocery store — and carrying these bags and all — and-a my mother looks-a down and her purse wasn’t there. You know? She says, “Oh, no! My purse is-a not here!” And I says to her — it-a just-a come to me — I says: “I bet it’s-a back in-a the grocery store.” And-a we went-a back-a to he grocery store… it was-a right-a on-a the counter!
Bill Murray: In the grocery store?
Father Guido Sarducci: Where I pictured it, on the counter.
Bill Murray: And then you started having these psychic experiences all the time?
Father Guido Sarducci: No, I didn’t have-a another one for like fifteen-a years. But, after that… I was-a rolling all the time.
Bill Murray: [ opening an envelope ] Well, let’s see how you did on these ones — [ he pokes his finger on the tab ] Ouch! These are marked January 1st, 1981. Let’s see how you did on these.
Father Guido Sarducci: Right. These are from-a a year ago. In North Carolina, is where they got Duke.
Bill Murray: Okay.
Father Guido Sarducci: You know, maybe I should say this first, Bill, and that is I don’t take-a personal credit for this. I am just-a like-a the middle man. You know, like-a radio and everything. I just-a broadcast it. It’s-a like a blessing, and, you know, I just-a don’t want to take-a credit.
Bill Murray: Okay. Alright. So there’ll be no credit taken. Alrigt. [ reading card ] “Scientists from Bowling Green University will discover a way to generate energy from pain, and a person with migraine headaches will be able to generate enough energy to run a city the size of Balogna.”
Father Guido Sarducci: I’m-a just-a the middle man, you know? And, uh, I got it-a wrong, I’ll admit it. But I could-a still-a get-a 2 out of 3.
Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Prince Charles of England will marry a 45-year old Canadian divorcee with 14 children.”
Father Guido Sarducci: He did get married. He did. And Miss Diana was-a her name, and I’m quite sure she did get-a a divorce. Do-a you know-a if-a she is. I could-a check-a the almanac, but, uh…
Bill Murray: Yeah. We’ll check that out. There was a lot of press about her, but I don’t remember the divorce thing, though.
Father Guido Sarducci: Okay. I had-a one right.
Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Beinfs from another planet will invade Earth disguised as…” What is this word? [ he holds the card up ]
Father Guido Sarducci: “Chiclets.” It’s little gum.
Bill Murray: “Beings from another planet disguised as Chiclets will invade Earth.”
Father Guido Sarducci: I got two right.
Bill Murray: Two right?
Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Didn’t you hear about it? It was in-a Europe. It made all the papers. You was-a probably making a movie or something.
Bill Murray: I only read the Post. I don’t know what happens anywhere else. That’s pretty good, getting 2 right out of 3. Now, I understand you have some predictions you want to make for 1982?
Father Guido Sarducci: Right. I do-a have some-a predictions for-a next-a year. And I think I could-a do-a even better. Bill, now when I close-a my eyes, I see-a this-a magic ball… and, uh, it says — funny name — “Yassar… and Marie.”
Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Father Guido Sarducci: And-a what this is, is-a Yassar Arafat and-a Marie Osmond. They’re gonna-a get married, tie-a the wedding knot sometyime in-a ’82. June, I think. And-a I predict — I predict-a this: There’s gonna be-a homeland for-a the Palestinians established someplace in-a Utah. In ’82.
Bill Murray: An incredible prediction. What else do you see?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, uh, this is-a kind of scary, but when-a I close-a my eyes-a sometimes… I see bombs. Bombs!
Bill Murray: What else?
Father Guido Sarducci: I see smoke.
Bill Murray: Smoke? Bombs? What?
Father Guido Sarducci: I see bottles of water.
Bill Murray: It sounds like a nuclear explosion, or something.
Father Guido Sarducci: You, see you’re a little bit-a psychic, too, I think! You know? But I do think, the nuclear-a war in-a ’82. No doubty about it. It’s-a gonna be bad. And, you know — They say when times are bad, buy gold. But what I’m-a telling you tonight is: Don’t buy gold; buy shovels. The time to-a buy gold is-a past. You know what I mean? Get shovels and start-a digging. Also, what-a you should do is-a buy canned goods. A lot of canned goods. And-a something very, very important: Don’t-a forget can openers! You gotta have them. Believe me, after the bomb. one can opener is gonna be-a worth-a like three kruggerands. You-a cannot-a open a can with-a a kruggerand.
Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm… You see anything else? Anything at all?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I do — I saw this one thing, I don’t — It’s a scale. It’s “scale” and-a the name… “Richter.”
Bill Murray: Well, that’s the scale they use to measure earthquakes.
Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Richter Scale. And-a there’s the number 62… 162.2.
Bill Murray: That’s, uh, that’s a pretty good-sized earthquake…
Father Guido Sarducci: It’s gonna be a BIG one. Fiant rarthquake. And-a I predict-a ALL-a of the United States — EXCEPT California — is-a gonna falla- into the ocean. But — it’s-a not-a gonna be all-a rosy in-a California, either. ‘Cause: No place-a to go for-a vacations. You know? Unless you got a boat or something. But-a I predict that-a SURFING is-a gonna be-a GREAT! It’s-a gonna be-a BITCHING, no doubt about that! So, you know, if-a you got surfboards and you’re out there at the time, you know, you’re on-a Lucky Street. But — I just-a wanna wish everybody a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year for what it’s-a worth, and-a say “Arriverderci, America!” And I mean it![ they shae hands goodbye ] [ fade ]