SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: Father Guido Sarducci’s Predictions


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Father Guido Sarducci’s Predictions

…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Bill Murray: Ladies and gentlemen — Here i my bookie, my spiritual advisor, and my fellow barhound… Father Guido Sarducci. Father, welcome aboard.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you!

Bill Murray: Father, what have you been up to? Tell the folks what you’ve been up to.

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag from his cigarette ] Well… I’m up-a to-a being psychic. That’s-a my thing now. Not-a too-a much money, kind of like-a being-a the Pope. It makes no money. But, I don’t know-a — you know-a Duke University?

Bill Murray: Yeah.

Father Guido Sarducci: Every year, they-a have this thing-a, where-a they invite psychics up-a there to make three predictions for the coming year. And-a, last year, I was-a invited down there with just TOP people. Tamara Rand… and-a Jeanne-a Dixon… Dr. Joaquin-a Lorenzo. Just-a the top ones. And my predictions, I made-a last year, are-a here. They gave-a special permission — they wait until January — that we could open them on television and-a see-a how I did.

Bill Murray: Father, I don’t think anybody ever knew that you were a psychic.

Father Guido Sarducci: Oh, yes… I’ve ben a psychic for-a… quite a while.

Bill Murray: Well, since when? I mean, when did you have your first psychic experience?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well-a, the first time, I was-a just a little boy, like-a eight or nine years old. You know? I was-a with my mother, in fact. It was-a something. We were-a coming back-a from-a the grocery store — and carrying these bags and all — and-a my mother looks-a down and her purse wasn’t there. You know? She says, “Oh, no! My purse is-a not here!” And I says to her — it-a just-a come to me — I says: “I bet it’s-a back in-a the grocery store.” And-a we went-a back-a to he grocery store… it was-a right-a on-a the counter!

Bill Murray: In the grocery store?

Father Guido Sarducci: Where I pictured it, on the counter.

Bill Murray: And then you started having these psychic experiences all the time?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, I didn’t have-a another one for like fifteen-a years. But, after that… I was-a rolling all the time.

Bill Murray: [ opening an envelope ] Well, let’s see how you did on these ones — [ he pokes his finger on the tab ] Ouch! These are marked January 1st, 1981. Let’s see how you did on these.

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. These are from-a a year ago. In North Carolina, is where they got Duke.

Bill Murray: Okay.

Father Guido Sarducci: You know, maybe I should say this first, Bill, and that is I don’t take-a personal credit for this. I am just-a like-a the middle man. You know, like-a radio and everything. I just-a broadcast it. It’s-a like a blessing, and, you know, I just-a don’t want to take-a credit.

Bill Murray: Okay. Alright. So there’ll be no credit taken. Alrigt. [ reading card ] “Scientists from Bowling Green University will discover a way to generate energy from pain, and a person with migraine headaches will be able to generate enough energy to run a city the size of Balogna.”

Father Guido Sarducci: I’m-a just-a the middle man, you know? And, uh, I got it-a wrong, I’ll admit it. But I could-a still-a get-a 2 out of 3.

Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Prince Charles of England will marry a 45-year old Canadian divorcee with 14 children.”

Father Guido Sarducci: He did get married. He did. And Miss Diana was-a her name, and I’m quite sure she did get-a a divorce. Do-a you know-a if-a she is. I could-a check-a the almanac, but, uh…

Bill Murray: Yeah. We’ll check that out. There was a lot of press about her, but I don’t remember the divorce thing, though.

Father Guido Sarducci: Okay. I had-a one right.

Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Beinfs from another planet will invade Earth disguised as…” What is this word? [ he holds the card up ]

Father Guido Sarducci: “Chiclets.” It’s little gum.

Bill Murray: “Beings from another planet disguised as Chiclets will invade Earth.”

Father Guido Sarducci: I got two right.

Bill Murray: Two right?

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Didn’t you hear about it? It was in-a Europe. It made all the papers. You was-a probably making a movie or something.

Bill Murray: I only read the Post. I don’t know what happens anywhere else. That’s pretty good, getting 2 right out of 3. Now, I understand you have some predictions you want to make for 1982?

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. I do-a have some-a predictions for-a next-a year. And I think I could-a do-a even better. Bill, now when I close-a my eyes, I see-a this-a magic ball… and, uh, it says — funny name — “Yassar… and Marie.”

Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Father Guido Sarducci: And-a what this is, is-a Yassar Arafat and-a Marie Osmond. They’re gonna-a get married, tie-a the wedding knot sometyime in-a ’82. June, I think. And-a I predict — I predict-a this: There’s gonna be-a homeland for-a the Palestinians established someplace in-a Utah. In ’82.

Bill Murray: An incredible prediction. What else do you see?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, uh, this is-a kind of scary, but when-a I close-a my eyes-a sometimes… I see bombs. Bombs!

Bill Murray: What else?

Father Guido Sarducci: I see smoke.

Bill Murray: Smoke? Bombs? What?

Father Guido Sarducci: I see bottles of water.

Bill Murray: It sounds like a nuclear explosion, or something.

Father Guido Sarducci: You, see you’re a little bit-a psychic, too, I think! You know? But I do think, the nuclear-a war in-a ’82. No doubty about it. It’s-a gonna be bad. And, you know — They say when times are bad, buy gold. But what I’m-a telling you tonight is: Don’t buy gold; buy shovels. The time to-a buy gold is-a past. You know what I mean? Get shovels and start-a digging. Also, what-a you should do is-a buy canned goods. A lot of canned goods. And-a something very, very important: Don’t-a forget can openers! You gotta have them. Believe me, after the bomb. one can opener is gonna be-a worth-a like three kruggerands. You-a cannot-a open a can with-a a kruggerand.

Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm… You see anything else? Anything at all?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I do — I saw this one thing, I don’t — It’s a scale. It’s “scale” and-a the name… “Richter.”

Bill Murray: Well, that’s the scale they use to measure earthquakes.

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Richter Scale. And-a there’s the number 62… 162.2.

Bill Murray: That’s, uh, that’s a pretty good-sized earthquake…

Father Guido Sarducci: It’s gonna be a BIG one. Fiant rarthquake. And-a I predict-a ALL-a of the United States — EXCEPT California — is-a gonna falla- into the ocean. But — it’s-a not-a gonna be all-a rosy in-a California, either. ‘Cause: No place-a to go for-a vacations. You know? Unless you got a boat or something. But-a I predict that-a SURFING is-a gonna be-a GREAT! It’s-a gonna be-a BITCHING, no doubt about that! So, you know, if-a you got surfboards and you’re out there at the time, you know, you’re on-a Lucky Street. But — I just-a wanna wish everybody a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year for what it’s-a worth, and-a say “Arriverderci, America!” And I mean it!

[ they shae hands goodbye ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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