Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 8
Tom Snyder…..Joe Piscopo
Delivery Boy…..Tim Kazurinsky
Rona Barrett…..Christine Ebersole
[ open on a figure slumped in a bed in a dingy hotel room ]
TV Announcer: Stay tuned for an encore performance of “The Tomorrow Show”, starring Tom Snyder. Coming soon to this time period — the all-new David Letterman show.
Jingle: “N-B-C! Our pride is showing!”
[ “The Tonight Show” closing theme plays ]
Voice: [ banging on door ] Snyder! Open up! Turn off that TV, will’ya?! Open the door! Snyder!
[ the Manager bursts into the room ]
Manager: Snyder! The rest of the guests are complaining about all the noise up here! [ he turns the TV off ] What the hell’s going on?!
[ Tom Snyder sits up in bed ]
Tom Snyder: You, Sir, remind me of a station manager at KYW in Philadelphia! I don’t have to tell you what a pain in the rear THAT guy was, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]
Manager: Snyder, what the hell is going on? You don’t even seem to recognize me.
Tom Snyder: I know who you are. You are a gentleman who has written a book in which you claim to be the son of a Mr. Adolph Hitler! Huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]
Manager: Yeah, yeah, look, I’ve hear that all before, Snyder. Now, look — Your show has been cancelled. Okay?
Tom Snyder: Alright…
Manager: Will you try to get over that? I want you take all your stuff here — huh? — Please, pack it all up in the bags and get the hell out of here! Okay? You’ve flipped out into Yo-Yo Land! And, look, Snyder, do yourself a favor, will’ya? Go see a doctor or something, alright?
Tom Snyder: Alright. Thank you, Dr. Frank Fields, for being on our program tonight. [ the Manager exits ] And, uh — Join us a little latr in the show. We will have Supreme Court Justice William Burger AND the Amazing Kreskin.
[ Delivery Boy enters room ]
Delivery Boy: You ordered a sandwich?
Tom Snyder: We’ll be right back with more of tonight’s show, right after these announcements from NBC Television stations coast to coast.
Delivery Boy: It’s $3.50.
Tom Snyder: Fair enough, Sir. Sit down, have a seat! Alright, Sir, alright. [ Delivery Boy sits ] We’re being joined right now by a man who claims to have spent three years with a colony of alien creatures! He’s here tonight to shed some new light on the Kennedy assassination. Please welcome — Ted Turner!
Delivery Boy: Th… thank… thank you. It’s good to be here.
Tom Snyder: Alright. What the hell have you GOT for us, huh? [ he laughs maniacally as he grabs the bag ]
Delivery Boy: Uh — an olive loaf and a kaiser roll. $3.50.
Tom Snyder: Olive loaf! ALRIIIIGHTT!! [ he laughs maniacally ] Shel! Can we get a close-up of this thing, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ] Come in close! You know, how the hell’d they get the OLIVES in there?! [ he laughs maniacally ] That’s a great job — stuffing olives in MEAT! Huh? [ he laughs maniacally as he tosses the olive loaf and the bag ]
[ Rona Barrett materializes at the foot of the bed ]
Rona Barrett: That’s better than having no job, Tom.
Tom Snyder: Rona, you’re just a small-time BITCH fom Brooklyn!
Delivery Boy: [ confused ] Did somebody come in…?
Rona Barrett: Tom, did you hear? I have my own prime-time series, and our viewers are DYING to know what washed-up talk show host in wasting away in a cheap hotel, living on olive loaf.
Tom Snyder: Alright, Miss Rona — You’re short, you have a speech impediment, and you bleach your hair! Now, what the hell do you think of THAT, huh?! [ he laughs maniacally ]
Delivery Boy: [ more confused ] Who are — who are you talking to?!
Tom Snyder: Arrivederci, Rona! [ he laughs maniacally ]
Rona Barrett: Behind the laughter, is a very bitter man.
Tom Snyder: Take a hike, Rona, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]
[ Rona Barrett disappears ]
Delivery Boy: I — I — I gotta go, Mister… The sandwich is on me, okay?
Tom Snyder: Ladies and gentlemen — Rita Jeanerette! [ he laughs maniacally ]
[ the Delivery Boy runs out the room and slams the door ]
Tom Snyder: Well, I gotta tell you our next guest is a gentleman… he’s a gentleman who was at the center of an incredible controversy… many, many years ago. [ he kneels alongside the bed ] Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen… [ he pulls his teddy bear from underneath the bed ] The Lindbergh Baby! [ he laughs maniaically and sits on the bed ] I guess I don’t have to tell you, Sir, that I have been on the NBC Television Network since 1973. We were the first show to reveal the soft and gentle side of a much-maligned man named… Charles Manson. It was the very first show to, uh, to telecast from a leper colony. Alright… alright. I guess I’ve made a couple of mistakes. I went to Egypt and Sadat wouldn’t see me. Is THAT any reason to FIRE me? [ he laughs maniacally ] But I’ll be back! I’ll be back as long as there are geeks, weirdos, and sideshow freaks. I gotta tell ya’ — ol’ Tom’ll be around to give them the national exposure they deserve. And now, from the late, late shift here at 30 Rock… Thank you for being here. Thank you for being there. Good night, everybody.
[ he curls back up in bed ]
[ fade ]