SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: Tales of the Unlikely


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Tales of the Unlikely

Tour Guide…..Mary Gross
Tourist #1…..Tim Kazurinsky
Tourist #2…..Mark O’Donnell
Libyan #1…..Bill Murray
Libyan #2…..Eddie Murphy
Libyan #3…..Robin Duke
Doris…..Christine Ebersole
Tom Bryant…..Joe Piscopo
Richard Allen…..Tony Rosato

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: “Tales of the Unlikely”. Tonight’s episode: (Chapter Seven:) “The Libyan Menace”. In our last episode, the mighty Libyan fleet, lying in wait on our eastern coast, was scattered by freak winds and sent in humiliation back to Tripoli. The insane Colonel Kadaffi, vowing revenge, swore a mighty oath on “ABC News: Nightline” to take the living hearts of President Reagan, the joint chiefs of staff and Henry Hyde (Republican-Illinois) and feed them to the jackals. Meanwhile, at the White House, new intrigue brews.

[ dissolve to image of the White House ]

[ dissolve to lobby ]

Tour Guide: Follow me, ladies and gentlemen… [ tour group follows her ] This is the White House lobby. I think you’ll agree that it CERTAINLY beats anything they have in, say, Libya! This is the Taft Table, and it’s named for our HEAVIEST president.

Tourist #1: Uh — I have a question. Uh — Who is our STUPIDEST president?

Tour Guide: President Ford! Any other questions?

Tourist #1: Have any of our presidents been, uh… insane?

Tour Guide: Oh! No, no… this isn’t Libya, where a certifiable MAD MAN is in power! Now, if you’ll step through the door, our next stop will be the Rose Garden! Right through here, please.

[ the tourists exit into the next room, as a trio of Libyans surround the Tour Guide ]

Libyan #1: We have question.

Tour Guide: Yes?

Libyan #1: When does tour see President Reagan?

Tour Guide: I’m sorry?

Libyan #1: When does tour get so clsoe to him you can reach out and touch his throat?

Libyan #2: Or maybe throw a knife at him, if one wanted to?

Libyan #3: Oh. Uh — we don’t. We wish to honor him.

Libyan #1: We are not hitting!

Tour Guide: Well, I’m sorry. The President is asleep. In fact, we should keep our voices down. Once he wakes up, we have a DEVIL of a time getting him back to bed! Now, if you’ll all follow me, we’ll see the White House Rose Garden.

Libyan #1: Of course.

Tour Guide: Stay to the left, please!

[ the Tour Guide exits ]

Libyan #2: Colonel Kadaffi will be MOST unpleased.

Libyan #3: Shall I release the cobra?

Libyan #1: Silence! There MUST be a way!

Libyan #2: I left the scorpions in the taxi cab.

Libyan #1: Shh! Wait! I have it!

[ Lead Libyan huddles around his terrorists and laughs maniacally ]

[ dissolve to Central Intelligence Agency, as agent Tom Bryant dips a fake flower lapel in poison ]

Doris: Uh, Mr. Bryant?

Tom Bryant: Yes?

Doris: Uh, there are three students here. Uh, they say they really are students, only they don’t have their I.D.’s because they say they left them on the bus. Could you talk to them, please?

Tom Bryant: Uh, yes. I’ll take care of it, Doris. Thank you. [ he approaches the counter ] Hello. Tom Bryant, Covert Operations.

Libyan #1: Hello. We are three students, although we appear too old to be.

Libyan #3: We are EXCHANGE students! Uh, from the Middle East.

Libyan #2: From the Middle East, but NOT from Libya!

Tom Bryant: Oh. Uh, well, what could the C.I.A. do for you?

Libyan #1: Uh — Well, we are writing a term paper for school on Assassination of Presidents in Western Democracy.

Tom Bryant: Uh… I see.

Libyan #2: Uh, yes — and we are wondering about reference material.

Tom Bryant: Um… uh-huh?

Libyan #1: Well, we are not actually gonna do it late tonight, or maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Libyan #3: Just a paper, for school! Honestly!

Tom Bryant: Oh, I see! I see now! Well, uh, let’s take a look, we have some pamphlets and brochures that the agency has prepared. Uh, here’s one, let’s see… [ he grabs some pamphlets ] “Termination of Chief Executives: Dos and Don’ts.” Uhhh, oh! Here’s one, it’s called: “So You Want To Kill The President.” Now, will these help you at all?

Libyan #1: Yes, that is PERFECT!

Tom Bryant: [ chuckling ] Uh, but you understand we drew these up only in the unlikely event that there was a LUNATIC in office, like that NUTCASE they’ve got over in Libya!

[ the trio gives Bryant a dirty look ]

Libyan #2: We understand! Why should we be upset because of your attack on Kaddafi?

Libyan #3: Yes! Your tongue should NOT be cut out for your impudence!

Tom Bryant: Now, if you guys need anything else — because I’m telling you I do have some other things right over here… [ he reaches into his desk, as the Libyans collect all the other pamphlets from the rack ] Here we go, this is “Disposing of Weapons.” Yeah. And, oh, this is a favorite of mine, it’s always been. It’s called “Intimidation of Investigative Committees.”

Libyan #1: No. No, thank you very much. This will do it!

Tom Bryant: Oh, okay, guys! Good luck on your report, alright?

[ the Libyans exit ]

Tom Bryant: Oh, uh, Doris?

Doris: Yes, Mr. Bryant?

Tom Bryant: Did you get all those papers shredded that I asked you to do?

Doris: Uh, yes, Mr. Bryant. Countersigned and shredded.

Tom Bryant: Oh, great to hear that, that’s wonderful.

Doris: Oh, I wanted to show you… [ she opens up the latest issue of Newsweek, with Kaddafi on the cover ]

Tom Bryant: Oh, I was looking at that before! Did you see that right here?

[ dissolve to the White House — night ]

[ dissolve to the lobby, as a doorbell rings ]

[ Richard Allen enters and looks around ]

Richard Allen: Julius? Could you get that? Rosemary? Never mind, dammit! I’ll get it myself! Yeah, I’m coming, I’m coming!

[ he answers the door to the Libyans dressed as the Magi ]

Libyan #1: Can we come in? We are three kings from Orient, although we look too young to be!

Libyan #3: Yes! Bearing gifts. We travel afar.

Libyan #2: But NOT from Libya!

Richard Allen: I see, I see…

Libyan #1: Are you the butler?

Richard Allen: [ chuckling ] No, no, no, no. You see, the staff is evidently off tonight, being Christmas Eve and all. I’m Richard Allen, the National Secueity Advisor. Yes. I was just coming in to clean out my desk — and a few of the others!

Libyan #3: Well… is the President at home?

Richard Allen: Well, yes, he is. But he’s sound asleep right now.

Libyan #1: We understand he likes expensive gifts.

Richard Allen: Well… don’t we all?

Libyan #1: We bring him marvelous presents! We have a great present here, to be opened only by him — or when he is nearby.

Richard Allen: I see. Well, it’s rather heavy, isn’t it? What did you get him?

Libyan #1: Uh… gold!

Libyan #2: Frankencense!

Libyan #3: And LADY Frankencense! For Mrs. Reagan!

Richard Allen: I see. [ he grabs the first box ] This is the gold one, isn’t it?

Libyan #1: Yes, yes, yes!

Richard Allen: Ah, well… Well, why don’t I just take all of these, and I’ll put these in the safe — uh, the “file drawers”, I like to call them — and I’ll make sure the President gets them in the morning.

Libyan #2: We beg of you — These are only to be opened by the President, only!

Richard Allen: Well, I may tend to forget, but I’ll make sure he gets them first thing in the morning!

Libyan #1: Thank you, thank you very much!

Libyan #2: Merry Christmas!

Libyan #1: Merry, Merry Christmas!

Richard Allen: Bye!

[ after the Libyans leave, Allen reaches for the present of “gold” and carries into the next room. Suddenly, there’s an explosion, the doors burst open and smoke billows out. ]

[ the Libyans rush back into the lobby ]

Libyan #1: Oh, no! Colonel Kaddafi will be MOST displeased.

[ newspaper headline appears onscreen:
President To Be Woken, Told” ]

Announcer: …So the President slumbers innocently by, unaware of the danger that surrounds him. But there is no rest for wicked as, elsewhere in the world, America’s enemies plot further treachery. Join us next week for Chapter Eight: “It Came From El Salvador.” On… “Tales of the Unlikely.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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