SNL Transcripts: Robert Conrad: 01/23/82: The People’s Court


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

The People’s Court

Doug Llewelyn…..Joe Piscopo
Paulette Clooney…..Robin Duke
Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy
Joseph Wapner…..Robert Conrad
Spectators…..Yvonne Hudson, Neil Levy, Liz Welch

Doug Llewelyn V/O: [ over scroll ] What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual people who have agreed to appear on…

[ dissolve to courtroom setting, with title card ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: “The People’s Court”.

[ the courtroom doors open, and Paulette Clooney enters, stepping over the seats to her table ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: This is the Plaintiff — Paulette Cooney. She claims she psent $12.95 on a book, which didn’t deliver what it promised. She is suing the author for false advertising.

[ Paulette removes her fur coat to reveal tiny bra-covered breasts, as Velvet Jones saunters into the courtroom ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: This is the Defendant — Velvet Jones. Founder of the Velvet Jones School of Technology and author of the book in question.

[ Velvet smiles wide for the camera, as Paulette scratches her hairy armpit ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: Who’s right? That’s what Judge Wopner is about to decide.

[ Judge Wopner enters the courtroom and takes a seat at his desk ]

Judge Wopner: Uh, Miss — I know you’ve been sworn in, I’ve read your complaint. Would you please tell us what happened?

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, okay — I, uh, was lying around my, uh, hotel room down at the Hotel Earl, and I was watching the, uh, “Joe Franklin Show”. And I see this greaseball over here holding up a BOOK he says is gonna change my life!

Judge Wopner: Do you have a copy of the book in question?

Velvet Jones: YES, My Honor! [ he holds up his ook proudly ] “I Wanna Be A Ho!” [ he begins his pitch ] Are you a woman between the ages 18 and 34? If you are, you can make up to $1500 dollars a week —

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, my BACK SIDE, Your Honor! I didn’t see Buck ONE!

Judge Wopner: Uh, Miss Clooney… I take it you sent away for this book?

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, I did! I said to myself, “I’m tired of bein’ a waitress!” You know? “Why am I bustin’ my BUTT down at the Cafe Ole, when I can be sellin’ it for BUCKS down on 8th Avenue?”

Judge Wopner: Mr. Jones, you list your profession as “Educator”. Uh, could you tell us a little about that, please?

Velvet Jones: I’m glad you asked that question, My Honor! [ speaking to the camera ] Founded in 1979, the Velvet Jones School of Technology does many, many things to help man, many people make lots and lots of money! Why, we can even help you get your high school equivalency diploma! It’s as simple as that!

Paulette Clooney: Sheesh! Bite my BUM, fella! You’re just tryin’ to sign your way out of it!

Velvet Jones: My Honor, this is an OUTRAGE!

Judge Wopner: [ banging his gavel ] ORDER, please! Miss Clooney… did you follow the instructions in the book?

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, you bet your sweet BUNS, I did! I’ll tell ya’ — I read it, it says in Chapter One, Go down to a corner where there’s lots and lots of men…” So, I tidied myself up a bit, I go hang around the Port Authority — NOTHIN’!! So, then I read Chapter Two. It says that I BE SUGGESTIVE! So… every time a guy goes by, I pull my top out like THIS! [ she lowers the top of her bra ] NOTHIN’!! Then, I tried hikin’ up my skirt like THIS! [ she turns, bends over and raises her skirt ] NOTHIN’!! So, finally, these, uh, these two guys in a cab were cruisin’ by, see? So I walk over to the cab, hike up my skirt, press some ham — NOTHIN’!! Your Honor — I didn’t even make TRAIN FARE! Finally, I’ll tell ya’ this much — Some NUT comes up to me, see? And he says he’ll give me three bucks to put my fist in my mouth like THIS! [ she shoves her fist into her mouth ]

Velvet Jones: My Honor. To achieve success, you cannot do what this woman evidently done. You must read EVERY chapter of the book. She should have read Chapter Three, entitled: “Would I Make a Good Ho?” She cannot skip from chapter to chapter; thus, there were no results! [ he smiles into the camera ]

Paulette Clooney: Cut me a BREAK, would’ya, feller? The book’s a BONER!

Judge Wopner: Mr. Jones… is there anything you would like to say in your defense?

Velvet Jones: Yes, My Honor. As you very well know, not everyone can be a ho. I think I can clear this up just three words: Da bitch UGLY!

Paulette Clooney: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on! Come on!

Judge Wopner: [ thinking ] I’ve heard both sides of the argument… and I’ve come to a decision. Mr. Jones, you have a right to sell books. Miss Clooney, you have a right to expect the book to provide you useful information. However, in my opinion… the court… the Plaintiff rules… The court rules that the Plaintiff is not suited for the job she seeks. Let’s face it… She’s a pig. We’re talking U.S.D.A. pork on the hoof! We are talking MAJOR sow! Court rules for Mr. Jones! [ he slam his gavel ]

[ cut to Doug Llewelyn in the hall ]

Doug Llewelyn: Well, we’ve heard the Judge’s decision in favor of the Defendant — Velvet Jones. Let’s see if he — uh, here he comes right now! [ he grabs Velvet’s shoulder as he exits the courtroom ] Velvet Jones! Uh, Velvet, you must be very happy with the Judge’s decision.

Velvet Jones: Yes! And I’d just like to say: At the Velvet Jones School of Technology, we’re having a BIG sale! All our 1981 hos MUST GO! And ALL at the low, low price of just $19.95! So think: “Ho, ho ho! Cheistmas isn’t over yet!” Buy a ho from Velvet Jones, and start your new year off with a BANG!

[ Velvet walks off ]

Doug Llewelyn: Thank you, Mr. Jones. Thank you. This is Doug Llewelyn remind you that the next tiem you have a problem, don’t take the law into your own hands; Take it to “The People’s Court.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 4 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x