SNL Transcripts: Robert Conrad: 01/23/82: In The News

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

In The News

Narrator…..Joe Piscopo

Narrator: In The News: Movie star Elizabeth Taylor.

As a child, she appeared in a famous movie about a horse, called: “National Velvet”. When Liz reached puberty, many men wanted to marry her.

Movie star Elizabeth Taylor: “In The News”.

[ title card appears over image of Liz ]

The first person she married was Conrad Hilton, Jr.

Liz then married Michael Wilding, a man old enough to be her father. Liz had what is called… a “Father Fixation.”

Mike Todd, the next man Liz married, was rich; so rich, he owned a private plane that crashed into a mountain. Liz was very sad. So she married Mr. Todd’s best friend — Eddie Fisher. It didn’t bother Liz that Eddie was already marrid to Debbie Reynolds. Because Liz is what we call… a “home wrecker.”

Eddie Fisher made her happy, but Richard Burton made her even happier. So happy, they got married, had lots of sex, and made many bad movies together. The marriage was a living hell, so they got divorced. Then, they got married. Then, they got divorced. Then, Liz got FAT.

Then, Liz got with John Warner, an ambitious politican who was running for the Senate. Voters liked Miss Taylor because she wore no underpants. Guess what? They’re legally separated!

Who will Elizabeth Taylor marry next? Will it be Zeb Buchman, a rich, old producer? Or will it be “General Hospital”‘s ??, a young stud, just like National Velvet?

Elizabeth Taylor, a famous Hollywood star: In The News.

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SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020. View all posts by Don Roy King