Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 9
Jack Henry Abbott…..Robert Conrad
Lou Costello…..Tony Rosato
[ open on SNL Newsbreak desk ]
Mary Gross: Jack Henry Abbott was convicted of manslaughter in New York this week. Abbott is the protege of author Norman Mailer, who aided ni his relase from prison and in the publication of his book. Controversial trials are familiar to Mailer, who has had a bestsell about convicted murderer Gary Gilmore. “SNL Newsbreak” has learned that Mailer has already begin work on a TV-movie based on the Abbott trial. Here is an exclusive sneal-prview of a scene from that film.
[ fade to black, then fade up on courtroom scene ]
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Thank you, Mr. Abbott! Your witness, Mr. Costello!
Lou Costello: Thank you very much, Your Honor! [ he smacks the witness stand ] Now, Mr. Abbott… [ he taps his fingers along his bulging belly ] Where were you on the night of the Fourth?
Jack Henry Abbott: On the night of the Fourth? I was on Second and Fifth.
Lou Costello: And did you go there first?
Jack Henry Abbott: No. First, I was on Third.
Lou Costello: Well, when were you on Second?
Jack Henry Abbott: Second!
Lou Costello: That’s what I’m asking YOU!!
Jack Henry Abbott: That’s what I’m TELLING you!!
Lou Costello: Well, let me get this straight — On the night of the Fourth, were you on Second?
Jack Henry Abbott: Not at first.
Lou Costello: Well, that’s what I SAID! You were on SECOND, and not at FIRST!
Jack Henry Abbott: I was on Third at first.
Lou Costello: I thought you just said you were on Swcond and Fifth?!
Jack Henry Abbott: I WAS!! [ he slaps Costello across the face ]
Lou Costello: [ he stumbles about and wheezes ] Let me get this straight, Mr. Abbott — You’re saying that on the night of the Fourth, before you went to Second, you were at Third, FIRST?!
Jack Henry Abbott: I’m not saying anything! I’m taking the FIFTH! [ he smacks the witness stand ]
[ Costello screams and spins around ]
Judge: You CAN’T take the Fifth! If you want to take the Fifth, you gotta say that FIRST! [ he bangs the gavel on Costello’s hand ]
[ fade ]