SNL Transcripts: Robert Conrad: 01/23/82: A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: [ over title card ] And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”

[ dissolve to Rooney seated at cluttered desk ]

Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about the Equal Rights Amendment. I’ve always felt that all people were created equal. Of course, some women are more equal than others.

Did’ja ever notice women’s BREASTS? There’re so many different kinds. Basically, they come in four sizes: Small… [ image: Little Orphan Annie ] Medium… [ image: Jane Pauley ] Large… [ image: Annette Funicello ] and Kate Smith. [ image: Kate Smith ] God bless America, Kate… and God bless women.

Did’ja ever notice how many different names there are for women’s breasts? There’s bosoms, balloons, bonkers, bonkers, hooters, noonies, knobs and jugs. And then there’s zeppelins, Dairy Queens, space warmers, Grand Tetons and love pillows. Of course, my favorite has always been: Twin Cinemas.

You know what really bothers me? MEN with breasts! [ image: two fat men with bulging breasts ] Why do they always wear Ban-lon shirts?

Did’ja ever hear the expression “Tit for tat”? What’s a TAT?!

Speaking of Equal Rights, why are there soem breasts you can show on television and others you can’t? For example, you can’t show these: [ image: supermodel with black bars over breasts ] …but you can show these: [ video footage: naked African native women ]

Did’ja ever notice that some men are preoccupied with one subject?

Whatever happened to falsies?

Did’ja ever go to a wet t-shirt contest?

And what does “Walking a breast” mean? I could never figure that one out. I could never figure the E.R.A. out…

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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