SNL Transcripts: Robert Conrad: 01/23/82: Wild Wild Wild West


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

Wild Wild Wild West

Written by: Brian Doyle-Murray, Del Close.

Abraham Lincoln…..Tony Rosato
Aide #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Aide #2…..Nate Herman
James West…..Robert Conrad
Artemus Gordon…..Joe Piscopo
Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy
Hos…..Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross
Ulysses S. Grant…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on animated graphics for “Wild Wild Wild West” ] [ dissolve to exterior hall, Ford Theater, as President Abraham Lincoln and his wife appear with some of his advisors ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Look, gentlemen — please! No more talk of military strategy this evening, please! I merely want to relax this evening and see a play with my wife.

Mary Todd Lincoln: [ whining ] Abraham, it’s getting ready to start!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll be with you in a second, honey… [ he kicks her into the balcony area ]

Aide #1: This is URGENT, Mr. President! General Grant is a DRUNK! It’s common knowledge! He should be fired!

Aide #2: Look, Sir — They say, at the Battle of Vicksburg, he threw up on his horse.

President Abraham Lincoln: He threw up on his horse? Well, nevertheless, gentlemen, he wins my battles for me!

Aide #1: Yeah, but the next morning he calls everyone to apologize!

Aide #2: Just FIRE the man, Sir! Honest, Abe — The man just can’t hold his whiskey!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll tell you something: If I could just find out the kind of whiskey Grant drinks, why I’d send a CASE of it to each of my generals! [ thinking ] That’s not a bad idea. Not a bad idea! [ he looks over ] James! Artemus! Come here for a minute!

[ James West and Artemus Gordon rush forward ]

James West: Yes, Mr. President?

President Abraham Lincoln: Gentlemen! I want you to meet James West and Artemus Gordon — my two Secret Service men.

James West: How do you do?

President Abraham Lincoln: Gentlemen, I have a special mission for you. I want you to find out what kind of whiskey Grant drinks, and send a case of it to each of my generals.

James West: May we ask why, Sir?

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, if they drink the whiskey, they’ll win more battles like General Grant.

James West: [ he clears his throat ] Yes, Sir. Very good. Do you have any idea where General Grant might be found, Sir?

Aide #2: He’s probably DRUNK someplace.

Aide #1: He’s drunk EVERY place!

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, he’s also celebrating a victory tonight, so you’ll probably find him in the best brothel in Washington.

Mary Todd Lincoln: [ calling ] Abraham! Get in here!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll be there in a second, honey, cool off!

[ Lincoln reluctantly follows her into the balcony, as West and Gordon retreat for their mission ] [ dissolve to brothel scene, revealing Velvet Jones surrounded by hos ]

Velvet Jones: One of you hos better get me a Mint Julep before I kick your butt!

[ one of the hos gets up, as a bell rings ]

Velvet Jones: Hey, one of you hos better answer that door before I kick your other butt!

[ James West enters ]

Velvet Jones: Greetings, my friend! Welcome to my house of joy! We’ve got everything! Exactly, what is it that you’re looking for?

James West: I’m looking for a man with a beard wearing the uniform of a general in the amy of the Potomac!

Velvet Jones: Well, I’m afraid we specialize in WHITE WOMEN! [ he smiles coyly ]

James West: So I’ve heard, Mr. Velvet Jones!

Velvet Jones: [ slightly shaken ] Oh! You know me?

James West: Velvet Jones: Disgruntled runaway slave-turned mad scientist, inventor, and trafficker of white slavery.

Velvet Jones: I don’t like to think of it as white slavery. I prefer to think of it as affirmative action! My hos are HAPPY hos! Listen to they sing as they work! [ calling out ] SING, you hos!

Hos: [ singing ]“Nobody knows… the trouble I’ve seeeeeen…”

Velvet Jones: [ smiling ] They LIKE it here!

[ West goes over to the women and waves a hand in front of their glazed eyes ]

James West: What’s wrong with these women?

Velvet Jones: Well… first, I hypnotize them with my eyes and my love rap! You see, after 200 years of oppression, the Black man is entitled to a little unpaid domestic help. I’ve had it with the South, I’ve had it with the North; I’ve had it with the East, and I’ve had it with YOU, West! [ he approaches a closet door ] That’s why I’m going 100 years into the future with my latest own invention — my Time Machine! Where a man, a hundred years from now, could own some White people in my own native country of South Africa!

James West: I’m not interested in your visions of Utopia! All I want is General Grant, Velvet!

Velvet Jones: Alright. I’ll show you your General Grant. [ he flicks a switch, as a wall spins around ] It’s as simple as that!

[ on the other side of the wall, a groggy, tied General Grant appear ]

Ulysses S. Grant: I need a drink…! Get me a drink…! Oh, excuse me, who am I to ask for a drink? I’m General GRANT!! Get me a drink!! Please!

[ one of the hos removes Grant’s sword ]

Ho #3: Left face! Right face! Left face! right face! Forward, march!

[ Grant struggles amid his ropes as he takes these orders ]

James West: That’s enough. He’s coming with ME!

Ulysses S. Grant: A drink…!

James West: But, first — What kind of whiskey does he drink?

Velvet Jones: Whiskey? Hell, he finished all my whiskey in TEN minutes! Then, he drank all my Rum and two bottles of Sambuca!

James West: Well, he’s coming with ME, now!

Velvet Jones: Not so fast! He’s not gonig ANYWHERE until I get $10,000!

James West: A $10,000 ransom?

Velvet Jones: That’s not ransom, that’s his BAR BILL! And not even to mention the three dollars he owe me for the ten minutes he spent with Carleen!

James West: The United States Government will NOT pay your blackmail OR your White women!

Velvet Jones: Hey, man, listen — I’m not trying to cheat you. You can add it up for yourself. See here. [ he pulls out the bar tab ] The man had two pitchers of Harvey Wallbangers, two stolen grapefruit, a quart of Bristol Creme, Occuvee, a cask of Champail, Schnapp’s — twelve dozen, mind you — Grand Marnier to boot! BIG money!

Ulysses S. Grant: How ’bout a nightcap?! Come on, just… one! A little one…! I’ll suck the bar rag…

Velvet Jones: Pay up, West!

James West: I’m not paying you, Jones! And, besides — I don’t have that kind of money!

Velvet Jones: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Girls!

[ the hos move forward with stabbing knives ]

Velvet Jones: I can’t stick around, Mr. West. But I WILL leave you with my latest invention. I call it the Hy… the Atom Bomb! [ he cracks a smile as he carries the bomb toward West ] Here you are, Mr. West! I set the timer. [ he drops the bomb into West’s hands ] Goodbye, Mr. West!

[ Velvet laughs maniacally as he disappears into his Time Machine closet ]

James West: I’m sorry to do this, Ma’am…

[ West punches the hos in their faces, then nearly punches Gordon in disguise ]

Artemus Gordon: It’s ME!!

James West: Ohhhh, Artie…! Oh, Artie, you master of disguise, you! I thought you was one of them HOS!

Artemus Gordon: Noooo, these aren’t hos! These are nice girls from good families! Yeah, they’ve just been hypnotized into submission.

[ the hos come to ]

Ho #1: Wha… what happened…?

Ho #2: Where am I…?

Ho #3: Oh, thank you, Sir! I needed that!

Artemus Gordon: Hey — Hey, where did Jones go?

James West: [ pointing ] Well, he jumped in there!

Artemus Gordon: I’ll check it out, Jim! [ he opens the closet door ] He’s GONE, Jim! The closet’s empty!

James West: That’s not a closet! Artie… that’s a TIME MACHINE!

Ho #1: I… I remember what happened. He… he used to make us go into the FUTURE! To CONVENTIONS in KANSAS CITY!

James West: Artie — the BOMB! We’ve GOT to get rid of it!

Artemus Gordon: Wait… Jim! If we could disarm this bomb, it MIGHT save THOUSANDS of lives! And if it’s as powerful as I think it is, the Civil War could end TOMORROW!

James West: How about it, General?

Ulysses S. Grant: I don’t need any lousy bomb…! Just give me a DRINK, and I’ll massacre them SINGLEHANDEDLY!! Gvie me a drink! You!

James West: Then, we’ll have to dispose of this bomb before it goes off, Artie.

Artemus Gordon: Jim, why don’t you throw it into the future? That’ll take care of it, huh?

James West: Heeeey… good thinking, Artie!

Artemus Gordon: Thanks, Jim!

James West: [ setting the controls ] 1945.

Artemus Gordon: Good work, Jim!

Hos: Can we go home now? Are we free? Are we free?

James West: Yes, you’re free… But you won’t be able to vote for 55 more years.

Ulysses S. Grant: Bartender?! Un sombrero, por favor! Snappy!

[ West cuts Grant loose, as the scene dissolves back to Lincoln, who delivers his first line over the previous scene ]

President Abraham Lincoln: So you sent the bomb into the future, where it wouldn’t hurt anybody? Well, that’s good, West! Good work! And good work, you, too, Gordon! [ West sidles into the frame ] But, now, listen — One other mission, that’s what I’m waiting to hear.

[ Mary Todd Lincoln pokes her head out from the balcony ]

Mary Todd Lincoln: Abraham! You DON’T want to miss the second act!

President Abraham Lincoln: She’s crazy; the first act STUNK!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Abraham! Abraham!

President Abraham Lincoln: Get off my case, Mary, will’ya, Mary?!

[ she returns to the balcony, as Gordon steps forward adjusting an Abraham Lincoln costume ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Look, uh, Artemus, you master of disguise, uh… How about it? Would you mind?

Artemus Gordon: I have got you covered, Mr. President.

President Abraham Lincoln: Thank you very much.

[ Gordon enters the balcony ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Now, Jim — What exactly does Grant drink?

James West: ANYTHING! Anything at all! I’ve seen him drink PAINT! The man will drink KEROSENE out of a lighted lamp! SHOE POLISH!

President Abraham Lincoln: Shoe polish?

James West: SHOE POLISH!

President Abraham Lincoln: What color?

[ they exit down the hall ]

James West: What color?

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, maybe we can get some cases and have them sent ot each of my generals…

[ suddenly, John Wilkes Booth enters the hall, whips out a pistol, and proceeds to enter the balcony to assassinate Gordon as the music stings and the screen shrinks into the title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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