SNL Transcripts: Robert Conrad: 01/23/82: Wild Wild Wild West

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

Wild Wild Wild West

Written by: Brian Doyle-Murray, Del Close.

Abraham Lincoln…..Tony Rosato
Aide #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Aide #2…..Nate Herman
James West…..Robert Conrad
Artemus Gordon…..Joe Piscopo
Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy
Hos…..Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross
Ulysses S. Grant…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on animated graphics for “Wild Wild Wild West” ] [ dissolve to exterior hall, Ford Theater, as President Abraham Lincoln and his wife appear with some of his advisors ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Look, gentlemen — please! No more talk of military strategy this evening, please! I merely want to relax this evening and see a play with my wife.

Mary Todd Lincoln: [ whining ] Abraham, it’s getting ready to start!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll be with you in a second, honey… [ he kicks her into the balcony area ]

Aide #1: This is URGENT, Mr. President! General Grant is a DRUNK! It’s common knowledge! He should be fired!

Aide #2: Look, Sir — They say, at the Battle of Vicksburg, he threw up on his horse.

President Abraham Lincoln: He threw up on his horse? Well, nevertheless, gentlemen, he wins my battles for me!

Aide #1: Yeah, but the next morning he calls everyone to apologize!

Aide #2: Just FIRE the man, Sir! Honest, Abe — The man just can’t hold his whiskey!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll tell you something: If I could just find out the kind of whiskey Grant drinks, why I’d send a CASE of it to each of my generals! [ thinking ] That’s not a bad idea. Not a bad idea! [ he looks over ] James! Artemus! Come here for a minute!

[ James West and Artemus Gordon rush forward ]

James West: Yes, Mr. President?

President Abraham Lincoln: Gentlemen! I want you to meet James West and Artemus Gordon — my two Secret Service men.

James West: How do you do?

President Abraham Lincoln: Gentlemen, I have a special mission for you. I want you to find out what kind of whiskey Grant drinks, and send a case of it to each of my generals.

James West: May we ask why, Sir?

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, if they drink the whiskey, they’ll win more battles like General Grant.

James West: [ he clears his throat ] Yes, Sir. Very good. Do you have any idea where General Grant might be found, Sir?

Aide #2: He’s probably DRUNK someplace.

Aide #1: He’s drunk EVERY place!

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, he’s also celebrating a victory tonight, so you’ll probably find him in the best brothel in Washington.

Mary Todd Lincoln: [ calling ] Abraham! Get in here!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll be there in a second, honey, cool off!

[ Lincoln reluctantly follows her into the balcony, as West and Gordon retreat for their mission ] [ dissolve to brothel scene, revealing Velvet Jones surrounded by hos ]

Velvet Jones: One of you hos better get me a Mint Julep before I kick your butt!

[ one of the hos gets up, as a bell rings ]

Velvet Jones: Hey, one of you hos better answer that door before I kick your other butt!

[ James West enters ]

Velvet Jones: Greetings, my friend! Welcome to my house of joy! We’ve got everything! Exactly, what is it that you’re looking for?

James West: I’m looking for a man with a beard wearing the uniform of a general in the amy of the Potomac!

Velvet Jones: Well, I’m afraid we specialize in WHITE WOMEN! [ he smiles coyly ]

James West: So I’ve heard, Mr. Velvet Jones!

Velvet Jones: [ slightly shaken ] Oh! You know me?

James West: Velvet Jones: Disgruntled runaway slave-turned mad scientist, inventor, and trafficker of white slavery.

Velvet Jones: I don’t like to think of it as white slavery. I prefer to think of it as affirmative action! My hos are HAPPY hos! Listen to they sing as they work! [ calling out ] SING, you hos!

Hos: [ singing ]“Nobody knows… the trouble I’ve seeeeeen…”

Velvet Jones: [ smiling ] They LIKE it here!

[ West goes over to the women and waves a hand in front of their glazed eyes ]

James West: What’s wrong with these women?

Velvet Jones: Well… first, I hypnotize them with my eyes and my love rap! You see, after 200 years of oppression, the Black man is entitled to a little unpaid domestic help. I’ve had it with the South, I’ve had it with the North; I’ve had it with the East, and I’ve had it with YOU, West! [ he approaches a closet door ] That’s why I’m going 100 years into the future with my latest own invention — my Time Machine! Where a man, a hundred years from now, could own some White people in my own native country of South Africa!

James West: I’m not interested in your visions of Utopia! All I want is General Grant, Velvet!

Velvet Jones: Alright. I’ll show you your General Grant. [ he flicks a switch, as a wall spins around ] It’s as simple as that!

[ on the other side of the wall, a groggy, tied General Grant appear ]

Ulysses S. Grant: I need a drink…! Get me a drink…! Oh, excuse me, who am I to ask for a drink? I’m General GRANT!! Get me a drink!! Please!

[ one of the hos removes Grant’s sword ]

Ho #3: Left face! Right face! Left face! right face! Forward, march!

[ Grant struggles amid his ropes as he takes these orders ]

James West: That’s enough. He’s coming with ME!

Ulysses S. Grant: A drink…!

James West: But, first — What kind of whiskey does he drink?

Velvet Jones: Whiskey? Hell, he finished all my whiskey in TEN minutes! Then, he drank all my Rum and two bottles of Sambuca!

James West: Well, he’s coming with ME, now!

Velvet Jones: Not so fast! He’s not gonig ANYWHERE until I get $10,000!

James West: A $10,000 ransom?

Velvet Jones: That’s not ransom, that’s his BAR BILL! And not even to mention the three dollars he owe me for the ten minutes he spent with Carleen!

James West: The United States Government will NOT pay your blackmail OR your White women!

Velvet Jones: Hey, man, listen — I’m not trying to cheat you. You can add it up for yourself. See here. [ he pulls out the bar tab ] The man had two pitchers of Harvey Wallbangers, two stolen grapefruit, a quart of Bristol Creme, Occuvee, a cask of Champail, Schnapp’s — twelve dozen, mind you — Grand Marnier to boot! BIG money!

Ulysses S. Grant: How ’bout a nightcap?! Come on, just… one! A little one…! I’ll suck the bar rag…

Velvet Jones: Pay up, West!

James West: I’m not paying you, Jones! And, besides — I don’t have that kind of money!

Velvet Jones: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Girls!

[ the hos move forward with stabbing knives ]

Velvet Jones: I can’t stick around, Mr. West. But I WILL leave you with my latest invention. I call it the Hy… the Atom Bomb! [ he cracks a smile as he carries the bomb toward West ] Here you are, Mr. West! I set the timer. [ he drops the bomb into West’s hands ] Goodbye, Mr. West!

[ Velvet laughs maniacally as he disappears into his Time Machine closet ]

James West: I’m sorry to do this, Ma’am…

[ West punches the hos in their faces, then nearly punches Gordon in disguise ]

Artemus Gordon: It’s ME!!

James West: Ohhhh, Artie…! Oh, Artie, you master of disguise, you! I thought you was one of them HOS!

Artemus Gordon: Noooo, these aren’t hos! These are nice girls from good families! Yeah, they’ve just been hypnotized into submission.

[ the hos come to ]

Ho #1: Wha… what happened…?

Ho #2: Where am I…?

Ho #3: Oh, thank you, Sir! I needed that!

Artemus Gordon: Hey — Hey, where did Jones go?

James West: [ pointing ] Well, he jumped in there!

Artemus Gordon: I’ll check it out, Jim! [ he opens the closet door ] He’s GONE, Jim! The closet’s empty!

James West: That’s not a closet! Artie… that’s a TIME MACHINE!

Ho #1: I… I remember what happened. He… he used to make us go into the FUTURE! To CONVENTIONS in KANSAS CITY!

James West: Artie — the BOMB! We’ve GOT to get rid of it!

Artemus Gordon: Wait… Jim! If we could disarm this bomb, it MIGHT save THOUSANDS of lives! And if it’s as powerful as I think it is, the Civil War could end TOMORROW!

James West: How about it, General?

Ulysses S. Grant: I don’t need any lousy bomb…! Just give me a DRINK, and I’ll massacre them SINGLEHANDEDLY!! Gvie me a drink! You!

James West: Then, we’ll have to dispose of this bomb before it goes off, Artie.

Artemus Gordon: Jim, why don’t you throw it into the future? That’ll take care of it, huh?

James West: Heeeey… good thinking, Artie!

Artemus Gordon: Thanks, Jim!

James West: [ setting the controls ] 1945.

Artemus Gordon: Good work, Jim!

Hos: Can we go home now? Are we free? Are we free?

James West: Yes, you’re free… But you won’t be able to vote for 55 more years.

Ulysses S. Grant: Bartender?! Un sombrero, por favor! Snappy!

[ West cuts Grant loose, as the scene dissolves back to Lincoln, who delivers his first line over the previous scene ]

President Abraham Lincoln: So you sent the bomb into the future, where it wouldn’t hurt anybody? Well, that’s good, West! Good work! And good work, you, too, Gordon! [ West sidles into the frame ] But, now, listen — One other mission, that’s what I’m waiting to hear.

[ Mary Todd Lincoln pokes her head out from the balcony ]

Mary Todd Lincoln: Abraham! You DON’T want to miss the second act!

President Abraham Lincoln: She’s crazy; the first act STUNK!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Abraham! Abraham!

President Abraham Lincoln: Get off my case, Mary, will’ya, Mary?!

[ she returns to the balcony, as Gordon steps forward adjusting an Abraham Lincoln costume ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Look, uh, Artemus, you master of disguise, uh… How about it? Would you mind?

Artemus Gordon: I have got you covered, Mr. President.

President Abraham Lincoln: Thank you very much.

[ Gordon enters the balcony ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Now, Jim — What exactly does Grant drink?

James West: ANYTHING! Anything at all! I’ve seen him drink PAINT! The man will drink KEROSENE out of a lighted lamp! SHOE POLISH!

President Abraham Lincoln: Shoe polish?

James West: SHOE POLISH!

President Abraham Lincoln: What color?

[ they exit down the hall ]

James West: What color?

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, maybe we can get some cases and have them sent ot each of my generals…

[ suddenly, John Wilkes Booth enters the hall, whips out a pistol, and proceeds to enter the balcony to assassinate Gordon as the music stings and the screen shrinks into the title card ] [ fade ]

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