Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 11
Signs of Homosexuality
[ open on Christine Ebersole and Mary Gross sitting at a table in a bar ]
Christine Ebersole: Gosh, I’m so excited.. he’ll be here any second!
Mary Gross: Who?
Christine Ebersole: Our host, James Coburn.
Mary Gross: Well, this is a strange time to be working on a scene.
Christine Ebersole: Well, we’re not going to be working on a scene. Hopefully, we’ll be making a scene.
Mary Gross: [ shocked ] Chris!
Christine Ebersole: Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, Mary.. but I’m kind of stuck on the guy.
Mary Gross: Well, don’t judge a book by its cover.
Christine Ebersole: What do you mean?
Mary Gross: I mean, that James Coburn is a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a homosexual. I’m just trying to keep you from wasting your time.
Christine Ebersole: What, are you crazy?
Mary Gross: That macho act of his is simply a disguise.
Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] Mary, just because he didn’t hit on you doesn’t mean he’s gay.
Mary Gross: Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you. [ Christine leaves her chair to meet James at the bar ] I know all you folks in the audience probably agree with Christine. You think I’m way off base. Well, it so happens that I’ve been studying homosexuals all my life. I can spot one a mile away! And you can, too, if you know what to look for.
[ cut to Christine and James standing at bar sharing a drink ]
Christine Ebersole: I’m really excited about working with you, Jim!
James Coburn: Realy, Chris? Well, I’m really excited about working with you. [ they laugh ] Well, here’s to an exciting relationship. [ holding his glass with his pinky finger extended, he clinks his glass with Christine’s ]
[ The scene pauses, as Mary’s heads appears in the middle of the screen ]
Mary Gross: Notice how the little finger is extended. A clinically accepted indication that someone is already halfway out of the closet! Wise up, Chris!
[ the scene starts up again ]
James Coburn: [ noticing Christine’s dress ] That’s a lovely dress you’re.. almost wearing.
Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] It’s silk.
James Coburn: Is it?
Christine Ebersole: Just like my sheets.
James Coburn: [ laughing, grabs her shoulder ] Well, I bet if I twist this right off the shoulder, the whole thing would fall right down around your.. lovely ankles.
[ another pause in the action, as Mary appears on the side of the screen ]
Mary Gross: Sure, Chris. He’d love to take off your dress. So he can put in on himself.
[ the scene starts up again ]
Christine Ebersole: It’s getting late, Jim.. I’ve got to go..
James Coburn: Oh, no.. come on, have another glass of champagne. [ he reaches for the basket of pretzels on the counter, but grabs the bartender’s hand instead ]
[ a final pause, as Mary’s head appears at the bottom of the questionable scene ]
Mary Gross: A picture is worth a thousand words. Bon appetit, Jim!
[ the scene wraps itself up ]
James Coburn: Well, Chris.. if you want to come over to my dressing room, and change over there.. and, afterwards, champagne in the fridge..
Christine Ebersole: I’d love to!
Eddie Murphy: [ approaches James, angry ] James, you bitch!
James Coburn: Eddie, we’re not going to have one of your.. jealous scenes, now are we?
Eddie Murphy: You know, James, what you need is a very thorough spanking!
James Coburn: [ wraps his arms around Eddie ] Promises, promises.. come on. [ they walk off ]
Mary Gross: [ walks up to Christine ] Told you so! Can’t judge a book by its cover, huh? Guess I was right all along, wasn’t I? [ Christine mopes ] Oh, come on, Miss Irresistable. Stop moping. We’ve got a show to do! [ wraps her arm around Christine as they walk off ]
[ the scene pauses, as James appears on the side of the screen ]
James Coburn: As it’s been said: “Can’t judge a book by its cover.”
[ fade to black ]