SNL Transcripts: James Coburn: 02/06/82: Signs of Homosexuality


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Signs of Homosexuality

…..Christine Ebersole
…..Mary Gross
…..James Coburn
…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Christine Ebersole and Mary Gross sitting at a table in a bar ]

Christine Ebersole: Gosh, I’m so excited.. he’ll be here any second!

Mary Gross: Who?

Christine Ebersole: Our host, James Coburn.

Mary Gross: Well, this is a strange time to be working on a scene.

Christine Ebersole: Well, we’re not going to be working on a scene. Hopefully, we’ll be making a scene.

Mary Gross: [ shocked ] Chris!

Christine Ebersole: Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, Mary.. but I’m kind of stuck on the guy.

Mary Gross: Well, don’t judge a book by its cover.

Christine Ebersole: What do you mean?

Mary Gross: I mean, that James Coburn is a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a homosexual. I’m just trying to keep you from wasting your time.

Christine Ebersole: What, are you crazy?

Mary Gross: That macho act of his is simply a disguise.

Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] Mary, just because he didn’t hit on you doesn’t mean he’s gay.

Mary Gross: Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you. [ Christine leaves her chair to meet James at the bar ] I know all you folks in the audience probably agree with Christine. You think I’m way off base. Well, it so happens that I’ve been studying homosexuals all my life. I can spot one a mile away! And you can, too, if you know what to look for.

[ cut to Christine and James standing at bar sharing a drink ]

Christine Ebersole: I’m really excited about working with you, Jim!

James Coburn: Realy, Chris? Well, I’m really excited about working with you. [ they laugh ] Well, here’s to an exciting relationship. [ holding his glass with his pinky finger extended, he clinks his glass with Christine’s ] [ The scene pauses, as Mary’s heads appears in the middle of the screen ]

Mary Gross: Notice how the little finger is extended. A clinically accepted indication that someone is already halfway out of the closet! Wise up, Chris!

[ the scene starts up again ]

James Coburn: [ noticing Christine’s dress ] That’s a lovely dress you’re.. almost wearing.

Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] It’s silk.

James Coburn: Is it?

Christine Ebersole: Just like my sheets.

James Coburn: [ laughing, grabs her shoulder ] Well, I bet if I twist this right off the shoulder, the whole thing would fall right down around your.. lovely ankles.

[ another pause in the action, as Mary appears on the side of the screen ]

Mary Gross: Sure, Chris. He’d love to take off your dress. So he can put in on himself.

[ the scene starts up again ]

Christine Ebersole: It’s getting late, Jim.. I’ve got to go..

James Coburn: Oh, no.. come on, have another glass of champagne. [ he reaches for the basket of pretzels on the counter, but grabs the bartender’s hand instead ] [ a final pause, as Mary’s head appears at the bottom of the questionable scene ]

Mary Gross: A picture is worth a thousand words. Bon appetit, Jim!

[ the scene wraps itself up ]

James Coburn: Well, Chris.. if you want to come over to my dressing room, and change over there.. and, afterwards, champagne in the fridge..

Christine Ebersole: I’d love to!

Eddie Murphy: [ approaches James, angry ] James, you bitch!

James Coburn: Eddie, we’re not going to have one of your.. jealous scenes, now are we?

Eddie Murphy: You know, James, what you need is a very thorough spanking!

James Coburn: [ wraps his arms around Eddie ] Promises, promises.. come on. [ they walk off ]

Mary Gross: [ walks up to Christine ] Told you so! Can’t judge a book by its cover, huh? Guess I was right all along, wasn’t I? [ Christine mopes ] Oh, come on, Miss Irresistable. Stop moping. We’ve got a show to do! [ wraps her arm around Christine as they walk off ] [ the scene pauses, as James appears on the side of the screen ]

James Coburn: As it’s been said: “Can’t judge a book by its cover.”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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