SNL Transcripts: James Coburn: 02/06/82: I Married A Monkey


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

I Married A Monkey

Suitor…..James Coburn
Husband…..Tim Kazurinsky

Announcer: And now, another episode in the continuing daytime drama: “I Married A Monkey”.

[ open on half-dressed Suitor in bed with Madge the Monkey wearing nightgown ]

Suitor: Boy, you are something else! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before.. You know, I know we haven’t known each other for too long now.. but.. you sure are pretty, and I.. [ Husband, dressed in Disneyworld attire, enters the room ] What do you mean, barging in here like that?!!

Husband: [ angry ] I’m her husband!

Suitor: Oh..! [ dramatic pause ] Now, see here, pal.. we’re not gonna have any kind of a scene, are we?

Husband: Oh, stop your sniveling. i’m not a violent man.

Suitor: Oh. Good.

Husband: [ solemn ] It’s funny, you know.. we came down here to Disneyworld to try and save our marriage.. but my wife was too sick to go on the rides today!

Suitor: She told me her husband was in Europe!

Husband: [ sits on bed next to Madge ] I’m sorry to have to disturb your little pete-a-tete, Madge. You want to share the bed with your husband for a change? Here, Madge. [ hands over teddy bear ] I want this playing Toss The Hoops. [ to Suitor ] That’s Madge’s favorite game.

Suitor: Madge? Why, she told me her name was..

Together: Loretta!

[ dramatic sting ]

Husband: Did she also tell you she was married to a Korean Root Canal Specialist, and that he was.. [ Madge touches Suitor ] Madge, don’t touch him in my presence.. Madge, if you love me.. Did she tell you she worked for the Peace Corps?

Suitor: Yes, she did.

Husband: Sure. She’s a real humanitarian, this one.

Suitor: Well.. I’m sorry..

Husband: Sorry?

Suitor: Yes! Well, put yourself in my position.. she’s something else.

Husband: I don’t blame you. I know where the blame lies. [ to Madge ] You can’t control yourself, can you?

Suitor: [ standing ] Well, I guess I’d better get back to the gas station..

Husband: Yeah..

Suitor: Oh, uh, listen, pal.. on your way out of town, just stop by and, uh, you can have a free tank of gas. [ exits ]

Husband: [ hands pills to Madge ] Here’s your lithium. Take two. There. Oh, honey, don’t spit it out! Take your medicine, if you care. Oh, why can’t I trust you, Madge? Everytime I turn my back.. God knows what happens when I’m away at work! Do you sit around waiting for some encyclopedia salesman to pop in? Madge, don’t turn your back on me. [ Madge bounces on the bed [ Madge! Madge! [ reaches for bottle ] Here, Madge. Have a drink, honey. [ Madge swigs from the bottle ] What does that gas station attendant.. what about me?! You’re shacking up with some pump jockey! you’re a wife.. with a child! Oh, honey, what’s happened to us?

[ sound of a baby crying can be heard ]

Oh, that’s the baby, I left him in the hall. We were gonna take you to a French restaurant, but you can forget it now! [ brings baby monkey in the room ] We had a good time, didn’t we? We had a good time? Kiss for Mommy? Give Mommy a kiss.. [ to Madge ] ..or is he gonna catch something from you? Oh, Madge, why did this have to happen? Why did I have to find you like this? Oh, Madge.. you’re too much woman for me! Or maybe I’m not man enough for you. [ baby monkey bounces on suitcase, knocking it to the floor and causing himself to roll across the bed ] Madge.. there’s a fire buring inside of you, and I can’t seem to put out that flame.. It’s too much. You’re no good. You’re no damn good. But I love you. What am I gonna do? [ Madge swigs from bottle ] Don’t you think you should take a shower, Madge?

Announcer: Tune in again tomorrow, for another look at tormented love, on “I Married A Monkey”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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