SNL Transcripts: Robert Urich: 03/20/82: Golden Age School of Obedience

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 14

81n: Robert Urich / Mink De Ville

Golden Age School of Obedience

Nana….Robin Duke
Husband…..Robert Urich
Wife….Mary Gross
Pop…..Tim Kazurinsky
Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo
Trainer…..Eddie Murphy

[ Open on a family. Senile Nana and Pop sit next to each other at the dinner table. Husband sits at the end, reading the paper, as Wife hands him a dessert from the dessert plate. ]

Nana: What time is it?

Husband: It’s 8:15, Nana. How did you sleep last night, Nana?

Nana: Well I was cold. It’s always cold. Why don’t you turn up the heat?

Husband: I told you, Nana, we have to set the thermostat so everybody’s comfortable.

Wife: Here, Pop. Have some danish.


Wife: No jelly donuts. I have apple danish, though.

Nana: What time is it? Does anybody know?

Wife: It’s 8:15.


Wife: No, there’s not any, I told you, just apple danish.

Pop: [ touches the dessert plate ] COULD YOU WARM IT UP?

Nana: [ leans over to Pop ] Everything’s cold here. [ faces Husband ] … What time is it?

[ Husband rubs his face in aggravation as Wife sits down and does the same. The Spokesman appears in a circle at the top of the screen as 50’s stock music plays. ]

Spokesman: Aren’t Mom and Dad annoying?

[ laughter ]

Spokesman: Sure, they’ve given you the best years of their life, but why should you have to put up with ’em now? We’re the Golden Age School of Obedience.

[ The logo appears at the bottom of the screen. As the Spokesman talks, Nana keeps asking “What time is it?” as Husband and Wife sit there, aggravated. ]

Spokesman: And we believe that old people should be seen, and not heard. Our Golden Age professionals come to your home to teach your old folks some new tricks. Watch.

[ The Spokesman fades away, and the doorbell rings. Wife answers, finds Trainer at the door holding a rolled-up newspaper. ]

Trainer: Hi, I’m the man from Golden Age.

Wife: Oh, come right in!

[ She shuts the door and leads him to the table ]

Wife: Nana? Pop? This is the man we told you about.

Trainer: Hi, Nana and Pop. I’ve heard so much about you. [ to Wife ] You can leave us now. We’ll be all right.

Wife: [ nods ] All right. [ she and Husband exit the kitchen ]

Trainer: OK, that’s all I’ll be needing. Take it easy.

Nana: What time is it?

Trainer: [ switches to drill sergeant mode ] SHUT UP!! [ whacks her with the newspaper ] SHUT UP!! Just for askin’ that stupid question, you know what you do?!? [ carries her over to the fridge ] Stay in this corner, till you know enough to stop askin’ stupid questions!! Close the refrigerator!! [ raises the newspaper, mumbles ] Break yo’ head …

[ Pop taps the plate on the table ]


Trainer: Oh yeah? Well tell me some’m, Pop! [ whacks him with the newspaper ] How the hell you gon’ eat that jelly donut — [ yanks out Pop’s dentures ] — with no damn TEETH in y’mouth, huh?!? [ throws the dentures through the closed kitchen window. Wild applause. ]

Nana: [ hobbles over to Trainer ] What time is it?

Trainer: What ti- that’s it. That’s the last straw. [ carries her back to the fridge and forces her down on the ground ] Gimme ten! GIMME TEN! DOWN! On the double! Gimme ten! [ grabs Pop and forces him down on the ground next to her ] You too! This ain’t funny! DOWN! Come on, together, UP! DOWN! UP! [ whacks them with the newspaper as they feebly attempt to do push-ups ] DOWN! UP! DOWN! UP!

[ Fade to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: At the Golden Age School of Obedience, we’ll teach them to stop nagging, stop whining, and stop demanding to be treated like adults.

[ Fade back to the kitchen, one day later. Wife hands Husband a danish from the dessert plate, then walks over to Pop. ]

Husband: Have some danish, Nana? [ Nana flinches in fear, like a dog ]

Wife: Pop?

[ She holds a danish up to his mouth, and he reluctantly chews on it ]

Wife: [ grins, facing the camera ] Now that’s how old people ought to act. Thanks, Golden Age!

[ Applause. The logo appears again, and we fade out on Nana and Pop being fed danishes as Husband and Wife grin and nod at each other. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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