SNL Transcripts: Robert Urich: 03/20/82: Golden Age School of Obedience



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 14
















81n: Robert Urich / Mink De Ville

Golden Age School of Obedience

Nana….Robin Duke
Husband…..Robert Urich
Wife….Mary Gross
Pop…..Tim Kazurinsky
Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo
Trainer…..Eddie Murphy

[ Open on a family. Senile Nana and Pop sit next to each other at the dinner table. Husband sits at the end, reading the paper, as Wife hands him a dessert from the dessert plate. ]

Nana: What time is it?

Husband: It’s 8:15, Nana. How did you sleep last night, Nana?

Nana: Well I was cold. It’s always cold. Why don’t you turn up the heat?

Husband: I told you, Nana, we have to set the thermostat so everybody’s comfortable.

Wife: Here, Pop. Have some danish.

Pop: HAVE YOU GOT A JELLY DONUT?

Wife: No jelly donuts. I have apple danish, though.

Nana: What time is it? Does anybody know?

Wife: It’s 8:15.

Pop: WHERE’S THE JELLY DONUTS?!? THERE’S NOT ANY??

Wife: No, there’s not any, I told you, just apple danish.

Pop: [ touches the dessert plate ] COULD YOU WARM IT UP?

Nana: [ leans over to Pop ] Everything’s cold here. [ faces Husband ] … What time is it?

[ Husband rubs his face in aggravation as Wife sits down and does the same. The Spokesman appears in a circle at the top of the screen as 50’s stock music plays. ]

Spokesman: Aren’t Mom and Dad annoying?

[ laughter ]

Spokesman: Sure, they’ve given you the best years of their life, but why should you have to put up with ’em now? We’re the Golden Age School of Obedience.

[ The logo appears at the bottom of the screen. As the Spokesman talks, Nana keeps asking “What time is it?” as Husband and Wife sit there, aggravated. ]

Spokesman: And we believe that old people should be seen, and not heard. Our Golden Age professionals come to your home to teach your old folks some new tricks. Watch.

[ The Spokesman fades away, and the doorbell rings. Wife answers, finds Trainer at the door holding a rolled-up newspaper. ]

Trainer: Hi, I’m the man from Golden Age.

Wife: Oh, come right in!

[ She shuts the door and leads him to the table ]

Wife: Nana? Pop? This is the man we told you about.

Trainer: Hi, Nana and Pop. I’ve heard so much about you. [ to Wife ] You can leave us now. We’ll be all right.

Wife: [ nods ] All right. [ she and Husband exit the kitchen ]

Trainer: OK, that’s all I’ll be needing. Take it easy.

Nana: What time is it?

Trainer: [ switches to drill sergeant mode ] SHUT UP!! [ whacks her with the newspaper ] SHUT UP!! Just for askin’ that stupid question, you know what you do?!? [ carries her over to the fridge ] Stay in this corner, till you know enough to stop askin’ stupid questions!! Close the refrigerator!! [ raises the newspaper, mumbles ] Break yo’ head …

[ Pop taps the plate on the table ]

Pop: I WANT A JELLY DONUT!

Trainer: Oh yeah? Well tell me some’m, Pop! [ whacks him with the newspaper ] How the hell you gon’ eat that jelly donut — [ yanks out Pop’s dentures ] — with no damn TEETH in y’mouth, huh?!? [ throws the dentures through the closed kitchen window. Wild applause. ]

Nana: [ hobbles over to Trainer ] What time is it?

Trainer: What ti- that’s it. That’s the last straw. [ carries her back to the fridge and forces her down on the ground ] Gimme ten! GIMME TEN! DOWN! On the double! Gimme ten! [ grabs Pop and forces him down on the ground next to her ] You too! This ain’t funny! DOWN! Come on, together, UP! DOWN! UP! [ whacks them with the newspaper as they feebly attempt to do push-ups ] DOWN! UP! DOWN! UP!

[ Fade to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: At the Golden Age School of Obedience, we’ll teach them to stop nagging, stop whining, and stop demanding to be treated like adults.

[ Fade back to the kitchen, one day later. Wife hands Husband a danish from the dessert plate, then walks over to Pop. ]

Husband: Have some danish, Nana? [ Nana flinches in fear, like a dog ]

Wife: Pop?

[ She holds a danish up to his mouth, and he reluctantly chews on it ]

Wife: [ grins, facing the camera ] Now that’s how old people ought to act. Thanks, Golden Age!

[ Applause. The logo appears again, and we fade out on Nana and Pop being fed danishes as Husband and Wife grin and nod at each other. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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