Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 14
Golden Age School of Obedience
[ Open on a family. Senile Nana and Pop sit next to each other at the dinner table. Husband sits at the end, reading the paper, as Wife hands him a dessert from the dessert plate. ]
Nana: What time is it?
Husband: It’s 8:15, Nana. How did you sleep last night, Nana?
Nana: Well I was cold. It’s always cold. Why don’t you turn up the heat?
Husband: I told you, Nana, we have to set the thermostat so everybody’s comfortable.
Wife: Here, Pop. Have some danish.
Pop: HAVE YOU GOT A JELLY DONUT?
Wife: No jelly donuts. I have apple danish, though.
Nana: What time is it? Does anybody know?
Wife: It’s 8:15.
Pop: WHERE’S THE JELLY DONUTS?!? THERE’S NOT ANY??
Wife: No, there’s not any, I told you, just apple danish.
Pop: [ touches the dessert plate ] COULD YOU WARM IT UP?
Nana: [ leans over to Pop ] Everything’s cold here. [ faces Husband ] … What time is it?
[ Husband rubs his face in aggravation as Wife sits down and does the same. The Spokesman appears in a circle at the top of the screen as 50’s stock music plays. ]
Spokesman: Aren’t Mom and Dad annoying?
[ laughter ]
Spokesman: Sure, they’ve given you the best years of their life, but why should you have to put up with ’em now? We’re the Golden Age School of Obedience.
[ The logo appears at the bottom of the screen. As the Spokesman talks, Nana keeps asking “What time is it?” as Husband and Wife sit there, aggravated. ]
Spokesman: And we believe that old people should be seen, and not heard. Our Golden Age professionals come to your home to teach your old folks some new tricks. Watch.
[ The Spokesman fades away, and the doorbell rings. Wife answers, finds Trainer at the door holding a rolled-up newspaper. ]
Trainer: Hi, I’m the man from Golden Age.
Wife: Oh, come right in!
[ She shuts the door and leads him to the table ]
Wife: Nana? Pop? This is the man we told you about.
Trainer: Hi, Nana and Pop. I’ve heard so much about you. [ to Wife ] You can leave us now. We’ll be all right.
Wife: [ nods ] All right. [ she and Husband exit the kitchen ]
Trainer: OK, that’s all I’ll be needing. Take it easy.
Nana: What time is it?
Trainer: [ switches to drill sergeant mode ] SHUT UP!! [ whacks her with the newspaper ] SHUT UP!! Just for askin’ that stupid question, you know what you do?!? [ carries her over to the fridge ] Stay in this corner, till you know enough to stop askin’ stupid questions!! Close the refrigerator!! [ raises the newspaper, mumbles ] Break yo’ head …
[ Pop taps the plate on the table ]
Pop: I WANT A JELLY DONUT!
Trainer: Oh yeah? Well tell me some’m, Pop! [ whacks him with the newspaper ] How the hell you gon’ eat that jelly donut — [ yanks out Pop’s dentures ] — with no damn TEETH in y’mouth, huh?!? [ throws the dentures through the closed kitchen window. Wild applause. ]
Nana: [ hobbles over to Trainer ] What time is it?
Trainer: What ti- that’s it. That’s the last straw. [ carries her back to the fridge and forces her down on the ground ] Gimme ten! GIMME TEN! DOWN! On the double! Gimme ten! [ grabs Pop and forces him down on the ground next to her ] You too! This ain’t funny! DOWN! Come on, together, UP! DOWN! UP! [ whacks them with the newspaper as they feebly attempt to do push-ups ] DOWN! UP! DOWN! UP!
[ Fade to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: At the Golden Age School of Obedience, we’ll teach them to stop nagging, stop whining, and stop demanding to be treated like adults.
[ Fade back to the kitchen, one day later. Wife hands Husband a danish from the dessert plate, then walks over to Pop. ]
Husband: Have some danish, Nana? [ Nana flinches in fear, like a dog ]
[ She holds a danish up to his mouth, and he reluctantly chews on it ]
Wife: [ grins, facing the camera ] Now that’s how old people ought to act. Thanks, Golden Age!
[ Applause. The logo appears again, and we fade out on Nana and Pop being fed danishes as Husband and Wife grin and nod at each other. ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez