Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 16
81p: Daniel J. Travanti / John Cougar
Burt Wedermeyer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Tooth Fairy…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on NBC promo slide ]
Announcer: Coming Thursday night at 9:00: “The Buckwheat Story” — a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. O-tay![ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve to talk show set ]
Burt Wedermeyer: Good evening. Welcome to “Career Corner”. I’m your host, Burt Wedermeyer. My guest tonight is a man who has touched all our lives. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Tooth Fairy![ pan out to reveal the Tooth Fairy seated next to Bert ]
You’ve been around, uh, as long as I can remember, Mr. Fairy. How long have you held your present job?
Tooth Fairy: Uhhh — forever, I’ve been doing it. Basically, forever.
Burt Wedermeyer: And, now you’re about to change careers. Why?
Tooth Fairy: Uh, well — see, for every tooth I pick up, right? — I got to leave a dime under the pillow. Okay? Now, then I got to take the tooth up to God, he gives me twelve cents. Okay? Now, when you subtract the dime I done put out my pocket already, that leaves me to clearing two cents. Now, I don’t know where you come from, but two cents ain’t a lot of money in MY neighborhood, you know?
Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, no, no, it’s not.
Tooth Fairy: Yeah, but sometimes, too, I be getting ripped off by little kids putting, like, Tic-Tacs udnerneath their pillow, right? And in the dark, you can’t tell the difference — I think they’re teeth, right? So I take it up to God, right? You know how it feels to give God a bag full of Tic-Tacs? I almost got fired once, ’cause he thought I was trying to tell him his breath stinks!
Burt Wedermeyer: Well, actually, that’s a revelation. I never thought of your job as being dangerous.
Tooth Fairy: Dangerous? Hey, most people — normal people — panic when they walk in their kid’s room and see a big Black guy standing there in a tutu, alright? With a big bag of dimes over their shoulder. I have been shot 6 times, I got bit by 37 doberman pinschers, and I had my behind kicked so many times I don’t even want to TALK about it!
Burt Wedermeyer: Aw, now come on, Mr. Fairy! You must get some sort of gratification from your work?
Tooth Fairy: No.
Burt Wedermeyer: Well… come on! Everybody loves the Tooth Fairy!
Tooth Fairy: No, they DON’T, man! I don’t get no letters, no Thank You, no NOTHING, alright? And I’m a FAIRY, dammit! I have feelings, too!
Burt Wedermeyer: Okay — well, what if you had your own special day?
Tooth Fairy: What you mean?
Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, you know — a day set aside just for you. You know, your own holiday.
Tooth Fairy: Oh, you mean like TOOTH Day?
Burt Wedermeyer: Yeah!
Tooth Fairy: Wow! Tooth Day! Everybody could wrap uo their teeth in little cellophane paper, you know, an put it under a tree! Right? And I could come down the chimney, and they leave me milk and cookies —
Burt Wedermeyer: Hold on — that sounds an awful lot like Christmas!
Tooth Fairy: Yeah, we could have TWO Christmases, then!
Burt Wedermeyer: No, I don’t think so.
Tooth Fairy: Why not? One for me, and one for him.
Burt Wedermeyer: No, no — I-I’m sorry —
Tooth Fairy: I do a better job than Santa Claus, man —
Burt Wedermeyer: No, no, I’m sorry, I — [ to the camera ] I’m afraid our time is up.
Tooth Fairy: It’s because he’s WHITE, right? That’s what it is.
Burt Wedermeyer: Good night, everybody! [ to the Tooth Fairy ] Ity’s not because he’s White.
Tooth Fairy: In fact, I could get some reindeer, too. How much some reindeer costs?
Burt Wedermeyer: Forget the reindeer, okay?
Tooth Fairy: Hey, listen — y’all better do something quick, ’cause Santa Claus is old and fat! He’ll probably have a heart attack soon.
Burt Wedermeyer: That’s terrible!
Tooth Fairy: It’s not terrible.
Burt Wedermeyer: Stop that![ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]