SNL Transcripts: Daniel J. Travanti: 04/10/82: Career Corner


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 16

81p: Daniel J. Travanti / John Cougar

Career Corner

Burt Wedermeyer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Tooth Fairy…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on NBC promo slide ]

Announcer: Coming Thursday night at 9:00: “The Buckwheat Story” — a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. O-tay!

[ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve to talk show set ]

Burt Wedermeyer: Good evening. Welcome to “Career Corner”. I’m your host, Burt Wedermeyer. My guest tonight is a man who has touched all our lives. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Tooth Fairy!

[ pan out to reveal the Tooth Fairy seated next to Bert ]

You’ve been around, uh, as long as I can remember, Mr. Fairy. How long have you held your present job?

Tooth Fairy: Uhhh — forever, I’ve been doing it. Basically, forever.

Burt Wedermeyer: And, now you’re about to change careers. Why?

Tooth Fairy: Uh, well — see, for every tooth I pick up, right? — I got to leave a dime under the pillow. Okay? Now, then I got to take the tooth up to God, he gives me twelve cents. Okay? Now, when you subtract the dime I done put out my pocket already, that leaves me to clearing two cents. Now, I don’t know where you come from, but two cents ain’t a lot of money in MY neighborhood, you know?

Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, no, no, it’s not.

Tooth Fairy: Yeah, but sometimes, too, I be getting ripped off by little kids putting, like, Tic-Tacs udnerneath their pillow, right? And in the dark, you can’t tell the difference — I think they’re teeth, right? So I take it up to God, right? You know how it feels to give God a bag full of Tic-Tacs? I almost got fired once, ’cause he thought I was trying to tell him his breath stinks!

Burt Wedermeyer: Well, actually, that’s a revelation. I never thought of your job as being dangerous.

Tooth Fairy: Dangerous? Hey, most people — normal people — panic when they walk in their kid’s room and see a big Black guy standing there in a tutu, alright? With a big bag of dimes over their shoulder. I have been shot 6 times, I got bit by 37 doberman pinschers, and I had my behind kicked so many times I don’t even want to TALK about it!

Burt Wedermeyer: Aw, now come on, Mr. Fairy! You must get some sort of gratification from your work?

Tooth Fairy: No.

Burt Wedermeyer: Well… come on! Everybody loves the Tooth Fairy!

Tooth Fairy: No, they DON’T, man! I don’t get no letters, no Thank You, no NOTHING, alright? And I’m a FAIRY, dammit! I have feelings, too!

Burt Wedermeyer: Okay — well, what if you had your own special day?

Tooth Fairy: What you mean?

Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, you know — a day set aside just for you. You know, your own holiday.

Tooth Fairy: Oh, you mean like TOOTH Day?

Burt Wedermeyer: Yeah!

Tooth Fairy: Wow! Tooth Day! Everybody could wrap uo their teeth in little cellophane paper, you know, an put it under a tree! Right? And I could come down the chimney, and they leave me milk and cookies —

Burt Wedermeyer: Hold on — that sounds an awful lot like Christmas!

Tooth Fairy: Yeah, we could have TWO Christmases, then!

Burt Wedermeyer: No, I don’t think so.

Tooth Fairy: Why not? One for me, and one for him.

Burt Wedermeyer: No, no — I-I’m sorry —

Tooth Fairy: I do a better job than Santa Claus, man —

Burt Wedermeyer: No, no, I’m sorry, I — [ to the camera ] I’m afraid our time is up.

Tooth Fairy: It’s because he’s WHITE, right? That’s what it is.

Burt Wedermeyer: Good night, everybody! [ to the Tooth Fairy ] Ity’s not because he’s White.

Tooth Fairy: In fact, I could get some reindeer, too. How much some reindeer costs?

Burt Wedermeyer: Forget the reindeer, okay?

Tooth Fairy: Hey, listen — y’all better do something quick, ’cause Santa Claus is old and fat! He’ll probably have a heart attack soon.

Burt Wedermeyer: That’s terrible!

Tooth Fairy: It’s not terrible.

Burt Wedermeyer: Stop that!

[ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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