Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 17
Andy Rooney as Ralph Kramden…..Joe Piscopo
Alice Kramden…..Christine Ebersole
Ed Norton…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer: Art Carney![PAN to another moon labeled “Audrey Meadows.”]
Announcer: Audrey Meadows![PAN up to a third moon.]
Announcer: Andy Rooney!
Announcer: In “The Honeyrooneys”!!![FADE to a set of the Kramden kitchen in black-and-white. Ralph walks in wearing his bus driver uniform and sets his hat and lunchpail on the bureau. With his belly bulging, he swaggers toward the little table and nods.]
Ralph: [in Andy Rooney’s whine] Honey? I’m hoo-oome!![ENTER Alice over applause.]
Alice: [with her hands on her hips] Hi, Ralph, you’d bettah wash up, my mothah’s coming over for dinnah.
Ralph: I’ve got news for ya, Alice! I’m going out tonight! I am NOT eating with that old BAG!
Alice: Ralph, she’s my mothah, and you’re staying home tonight.
Ralph: Har, har, HA-AAARRRDY har, har!!
Ralph: Alice, did ya ever notice that your mother is a blabbermouth?! Have you ever noticed that, Alice? I have noticed that!! SHE is a BLAAAA-BER-MOUTH!
Alice: Blabber is better than blubber.
Ralph: Did ya ever wanna send your wife to the moon? [laughter] BANG, zoom!
Alice: Ralph, give me one good reason why you can’t stay home tonight.
Ralph: Me and my pal Norton are going bowling! [walks to window and sticks his head out] Hey, NORTON?! Norton, come on down here![Ralph sticks his hand in the window and shakes a curtain with apartment windows printed on it.]
Ralph: [to camera] Y’ever notice how phony these buildings look? [laughter and applause][Knocking is heard at the door.]
Ralph: And how quickly Norton comes downstairs?![ENTER Norton in his usual vest and hat.]
Norton: Hey, there, Ralphie-boy, whaddya say, ol’ pal o’ mine, eh?[cheers and applause]
Norton: How ya doin’, Alice? Uh, Ralph, I’m a bit on the hungry side, ya mind if I take a bite out o’ the refrigerator?
Ralph: Help yourself, old bowling pal of mine!
Norton: Thank you, pal o’ mine![He opens up the icebox and rummages around.]
Ralph: Uh, Norton, you might wanna hurry up, ’cause we don’t wanna be late.[Norton takes out a big plate of chicken and eagerly sets it on the table.]
Norton: [sitting down] Oh, boy.[For several seconds, he deliberately flicks his wrists and shakes his arms getting ready to eat.]
Ralph: Didja ever notice how LONG it takes Norton to do one simple THING?! [knocks him off the chair] WILL you cut it OUT?!!
Norton: Sheesh! What a grouch. Ey, ey, ey, Ralph, I can’t, I can’t go bowlin’ tonight, Trixie’s mother’s comin over, we gotta have dinner with us.
Ralph: Y’mean you LIKE your mother-in-law, Norton?
Norton: Like? [stands up] Well, let me tell ya somethin’. When I first got my job in the sewer, Trixie’s mother gave me my first pair o’ hip boots. My first pair. They were her only pair and she gave ’em to me, Ralph. [chokes up] I tell ya, ya gotta be a real creep not to like your mother-in-law.[Norton sadly takes a bite out of a chicken leg, sobs once, then whirls around and runs out of the apartment.]
Alice: What do you have to say for yourself, Ralph?
Alice: Look, Ralph, if it’s that important for you to go bowling, go. I understand.[CUT to a closeup of Ralph bouncing in place.]
Ralph: Did’ya ever notice how foolish I look at the end of these shows? Course, I guess I deserve it, the way I constantly abuse my wife and best friend. Now, I can end this whole thing by saying, “I got a BIG MOUTH…” Or I can make a pathetic face, but this time, I think I’ll just say: “Baby, didja ever notice you’re the greatest?”[Ralph dips Alice in their classic “stage kiss” as the theme music rises. They hold for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean