SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Danny DeVito’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Danny DeVito’s Monologue

…..Danny DeVito
…..Andy Kaufman
…..Christopher Lloyd
…..Marilu Henner
…..Tony Danza
…..Judd Hirsch

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Danny DeVito and the cast of “Saturday Night Live”!

[ DeVito poses with the cast, then saunters in front of the audience alone as they all scatter ]

Danny DeVito: Well… “Taxi” was cancelled by ABC! [ the audience boos ] That is, uh, the American Broadcasting Company! A… B… C! [ he makes a slit motion across his throat ] Huh? Huh? Huh? Well, you know, actors, actors, actors — we roll with the punches! [ he mimes getting K.O.’d ] Uh — You know, you’re up, you’re down, you’re up, you’re down… working, you’re out of work… flushed… you’re broke. It was REAL hard on my mother. [ he pulls a letter out of his pocket ] This afternoon, my… little… immigrant… Italian mother… she gave me this letter. She said to me: “Danny… [ in an Italian accent ] I want-a you-a to read-a this on-a national-a TV!” Okay, I’ll do it. [ he opens the letter ] Alright… [ reading ] “Son… You have been besmirched by men so shallow… that they do not know the depths to which their deeds have taken them. [ he shrugs ] May God forgive them, but of course we will understand if He does not. Love, Momma.” Wow!

I’ll tell you — The ONE thing that really bothers me is… I mean, like all actors, we’ve been in show and they’ve flopped — like one night, or something — but the one thing that you always got was your final bow. I mean… We didn’t get our final bow! I mean, we filmed our last show this year on March 5th, and… we didn’t KNOW it was our last show! It’s devastating, to find out your cancelled and you don’t get the final bow! Well, tonight, thanks to my comedy brothers and sisters here at “Saturday Night Live” — [ the audience applauds ] Yes! That’s right! I am gonna bring out the cast of “Taxi” for their FINAL BOW!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Danny DeVito: Latka Gravas, played by ANDY KAUFMAN!

[ Andy Kaufman, with his neck brace, comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Jim Ignatowski, played by CHRISTOPHER LLOYD!

[ Christopher Lloyd comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Elaine Nardo, played by MARILU HENNER!

[ Marilu Henner comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Tony Banta, played by TONY DANZA!

[ Tony Danza comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: And ALEX RIEGER, played by JUDD HIRSCH!

[ Judd Hirsch comes out and takes a bow ]

[ the audience applauds ecstatically each time, until they finally give a standing ovation ]

Danny DeVito: Alright, that’s good! That’s good! Okay!

[ Judd Hirsch raises his hand to silence the audience ]

Judd Hirsch: And, of course… And, of course: [ he cups his hands to his mouth ] AND LOUIE DEPALMA, PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO!!

[ the audience applauds wildly as DeVito hugs each of his co-stars ]

Danny DeVito: Alright! We will be right… BACK!

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