SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Christine Ebersole
Dr. Jack Badofsky…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Mary Gross
Lou Grant…..Tony Rosato

Announcer: And now, “SNL Newsbreak,” with Mary Gross, Christine Ebersole, and Brian Doyle-Murray.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, I’m Brian Doyle-Murray. Mary Gross is on assignment, Christine Ebersole is here. Our top story tonight:

Saturday’s New York Daily News reports that Nancy Reagan has not returned the $100,000 in diamonds that she borrowed from a New York jeweler to wear at last year’s Inaugural Ball. Mrs. Reagan could not be reached for comment, but she was seen pursuing her newest hobby: planting things in the White House lawn.

[picture of the god Thor] This week, Alexander Haig, attempting to bring a quick end to the Falklands air war, often replaced the British Harrier jets lost in combat with Braniff airliners. The lobby was rejected because the planes were the wrong color.

In an attempt to raise money for the war effort, Argentina held a telethon last week in which they collected over four million dollars in contributions. However, with their inflation running at 142%, government officials were forced to strip foreign newsmen naked in order to provide uniforms for the Argentine army.


Christine Ebersole: The Soviet endorsement of Argentina has created a new coalition of Argentinean fascism and Russian communism, and political analysts have already given it a new name. It’s called “Gaucho Marxism.” [some groans; Christine pauses for a moment]

Alexandr Soljenitsin this week rejected a White House luncheon invitation. The exiled Soviet author said the meeting with other Soviet dissidents was a symbolic gesture, and he disapproved of it. President Reagan accepted the turndown, and replaced him with his original first choice: comedian Shecky Greene.

Now here with a summer health tip is “SNL Newsbreak” science editor Dr. Jack Badofsky.

[pan to Dr. Jack; applause]

Dr. Jack Badofsky: A- A- A lot of doctors are telling you how dangerous the summer sun’s rays can be. So here’s my summer tip: watch out for creatures that are foaming at the mouth. That’s right. Summer is a prime time for abdivorus, commonly known as rabies.

[holds up a stack of cards, which he reveals one at a time]

“Rabies.” But I doubt that you are aware of the many strains of rabies that you can fall victim to. For example, should you be bitten by an ownerless dog, that’s “Straybies.” And a foaming French poodle can give you “Qu’est-ce Que-C’estbies.”

A- A mad Mexican hairless can give you “Alejandro-Reybies,” a crazed reindeer can inflict “Sleighbies,” a spider bite can lead to “Curds- and-Wheybies,” and a demented gorilla’s a potential killer with “Fay- Wraybies.”

A grandmother frothing at the mouth can inflict “Crochetbies,” and being bitten by a stuttering bigot can lead to “K-K-K-bies.” Getting bitten by Elmer Fudd can give you a real painful case of “Waybies,” and if you’re making love to a woman and you finish before she does, she’s liable to get mad and bite you. That’s “Mislaybies.” [applause]

I was once bitten by my former wife and got “Ex-Raybies.” She was a radiologist. [some groans] A bite by a wry humorist can give you “Carawaybies.” [more groans] That’s a wry humorist…OK.

Being bitten by a rabid rabbi can get you “Oy-Veybies,” [applause] and if you leg gets chomped on by a crazy poet, that’s “Edna-St.-Vincent- Milaybies.” And “Paraguaybies” is what you get if you’re bitten by two mad Latin American homosexuals.

Linda Lovelace could get you “Fellabies”—

Christine Ebersole: Alright, OK, that’s enough. Thank you very much. [applause] Brian?

Brian Doyle-Murray: The opening of “Annie” is scheduled for next week. The producers have mounted a ten-million-dollar media blitz to publicize the motion picture. Every star has been available for interviews for weeks, and now our own Mary Gross has an “SNL” exclusive. Come in, Mary.

[cut to Mary Gross sitting on a park bench with a dog]

Mary Gross: Hello Brian! Well, here I am in Central Park, and it’s really quite lovely.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, who do you have for us to, to—uh, who do you have for us?

Mary Gross: Cat got your tongue? Speaking of cats, Brian, this is Sandy, who plays Little Orphan Annie’s dog in the movie. It’s an honor to have you on our show, Sandy!

[holds up a large speech bubble that reads “Arf!” The dog tries to jump off the bench]

Wow, this is fun. Live television gets him a little nervous. Tell me, what was it like working with John Huston?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Mary, Mary?

Mary Gross: Yeah?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Uh, I think you’ve done it again, Mary. That is not Sandy. He doesn’t even look like Sandy, Mary.

Mary Gross: Brian, he’s not wearing any makeup!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I don’t believe it. It’s an imposter!

Mary Gross: Well, maybe this will help. Hold on there, boy. Whoa!

[lets the dog jump off the bench while she puts on a large red wig]

Here we go. This is fun, huh?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Be careful, Mary.

Mary Gross: Come here. [lifts the dog up again] Here we go. [begins to sing]

The sun will be out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There’ll be sun

Brian Doyle-Murray: Is that “Back to you, Brian”?

Mary Gross: Yeah, that’s “Back to you, Brian.” [sings again; applause] The moon will be out tomorrow…”

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you. Thank you Mary and Sandy.

Well the map of the Falkland Islands has become a fa- as familiar a graphic representation as any in history. It means many things to many people, especially in Argentina. This week, the Argentine Psychiatric Association officially included the Falkland map in the Rorschach test, which analyzes personality traits by a person’s response to, uh, inkblot designs. Now, the- to some people, this make look like, uh, a butterfly, to others, like a familiar dream figure. Well, the first Argentine responses to the test have come in, and they’re quite interesting.

[various answers scroll on the screen behind Brian, including “Abbott & Costello,” “All the Reagans in Bed,” “Goodson & Todman,” “An Octopus in a Cuisinart,” and “Princess Diana’s Acne”]

Now “SNL Newsbreak” would like to hear from viewers about their responses to the inkblot. What does it remind you of? What im- what images does it recall to your mind? Uh, the ones that you are seeing here, these are from Argentineans. Now don’t let them influence your spontaneous reactions. All you have to do is look at the inkblot map here for a few seconds, and then write down what it reminds you of, what it looks like to your eyes, or, or what image it elicits in your imagination.

Again, let me remind you, don’t be affected by the Argentinean responses. We want American responses. Or if you’re British, that might be interesting, too. Now the answers, they’ll be recorded, fed into a computer, and analyzed by our own panel of psychiatrically trained news analysts. Results will be released at a later date, and the 15 most interesting responses will be rewarded a blotter and a bottle of ink. Now, Argentineans are disqualified, as are members of “SNL Newsbreak” staff and their families. So send your response to “Blotto,” New York, NY. Thank you. [applause; answers continue to scroll on the screen]

Christine? [still more answers; Brian pauses] That’s “Blotto,” New York, NY. Uh, you’ll be sending to “Blotto.” [still more answers. Christine laughs as Brian nervously looks offscreen] Christine, umm—

Christine Ebersole: That’s “Blotto,” to New York. Yes. [cameras finally cut to Christine] Thank you.

New Jersey has virtually restored the death penalty in certain capital crimes. Male convicts will have a choice between the electric chair and a firing squad. Female convicts can choose between the gas chamber and a Rely tampon.

In his parole hearings last week, convicted assassin Sirhan B. Sirhan said that if his victim, Robert F. Kennedy, were alive today, he would fight for Sirhan’s rights. And John W. Hinckley, at his trial in Washington, agreed. Hinckley said that if Ronald Reagan were alive today, he’d fight for Hinckley’s rights.


Brian Doyle-Murray: The newspaper world was hit with another setback this week when CBS gave veteran newsman Lou Grant his walking papers. We at “SNL Newsbreak” feel that a man with Lou’s experience deserves to be on the air doing news. And so now, here’s Lou Grant with the weather.

[Lou steps onstage and approaches a weather map next to Brian]

Lou Grant: Thanks, Brian. Thanks a lot, Brian. [clears his throat] Well, let’s have a look at the weather. [attempts to smile while waving a marker at the map]

Look, I can’t do this Brian. This is silly. Forget it, I- I can’t do the weather. C’mon.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I’m sorry, Lou. It’s the only job we had open.

Lou Grant: Yeah, I know, but you know, the weather was Gordy’s job. I mean, I- I’m a reporter. A newspaperman! I can’t do the weather. I mean, what if Murray and Lou were watching, or somebody, and Ted and everybody?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, their series got picked up, and you didn’t.

Lou Grant: Alright, alright.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Go on, why don’t you just give it a shot, Lou? Try it, c’mon.

Lou Grant: Well, let’s have another look at the weather.

[drawing on the map] There’s a lot of little H’s all over the place here. A lot of little L’s, a lot of big Ls. But I’ll tell you something right now, this is the real hot spot right here. [draws a rough outline of Central America underneath the map] Right there in El Salvador, that’s where it’s really happening. Come on! Wake up, we gotta get food and supplies to these people, huh? The monsoon season is coming down! I mean we’re only a few miles away, for God’s sake. What the hell’s keeping everybody up, huh? I’ll tell you–

Brian Doyle-Murray: Lou? I, uh, I just got this memo, uh, from the president of NBC. They’ve cancelled your weather report.

Lou Grant: What?? They cancelled me?

Brian Doyle-Murray: I’m afraid so. It says, [pointing to the memo] “Grant Tinker.”

Lou Grant: Grant Tinker, what a weasel he is! I introduced him to Mary, did you know that? Mary used to be my girl! Aw, what the hell, forget that, I’m gonna go looking for him. I’ll fix his peacock brain!

[walks off the set; applause]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Sorry, Lou. Those are the breaks, Lou. He probably shouldn’t have drawn on the wall, I think—I’m Brian Doyle- Murray. For Christine, Mary, and I, that’s the news. Good night and good news.

[cheers and applause as Brian and Christine converse; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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