Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 19
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Christine Ebersole
Dr. Jack Badofsky…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Mary Gross
Lou Grant…..Tony Rosato
Announcer: And now, SNL Newsbreak, with Mary Gross, Christine Ebersole, and Brian Doyle-Murray.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, Im Brian Doyle-Murray. Mary Gross is on assignment, Christine Ebersole is here. Our top story tonight:
Saturdays New York Daily News reports that Nancy Reagan has not returned the $100,000 in diamonds that she borrowed from a New York jeweler to wear at last years Inaugural Ball. Mrs. Reagan could not be reached for comment, but she was seen pursuing her newest hobby: planting things in the White House lawn.
[picture of the god Thor] This week, Alexander Haig, attempting to bring a quick end to the Falklands air war, often replaced the British Harrier jets lost in combat with Braniff airliners. The lobby was rejected because the planes were the wrong color.
In an attempt to raise money for the war effort, Argentina held a telethon last week in which they collected over four million dollars in contributions. However, with their inflation running at 142%, government officials were forced to strip foreign newsmen naked in order to provide uniforms for the Argentine army.
Christine?
Christine Ebersole: The Soviet endorsement of Argentina has created a new coalition of Argentinean fascism and Russian communism, and political analysts have already given it a new name. Its called Gaucho Marxism. [some groans; Christine pauses for a moment]
Alexandr Soljenitsin this week rejected a White House luncheon invitation. The exiled Soviet author said the meeting with other Soviet dissidents was a symbolic gesture, and he disapproved of it. President Reagan accepted the turndown, and replaced him with his original first choice: comedian Shecky Greene.
Now here with a summer health tip is SNL Newsbreak science editor Dr. Jack Badofsky.
[pan to Dr. Jack; applause]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: A- A- A lot of doctors are telling you how dangerous the summer suns rays can be. So heres my summer tip: watch out for creatures that are foaming at the mouth. Thats right. Summer is a prime time for abdivorus, commonly known as rabies.
[holds up a stack of cards, which he reveals one at a time]
Rabies. But I doubt that you are aware of the many strains of rabies that you can fall victim to. For example, should you be bitten by an ownerless dog, thats Straybies. And a foaming French poodle can give you Quest-ce Que-Cestbies.
A- A mad Mexican hairless can give you Alejandro-Reybies, a crazed reindeer can inflict Sleighbies, a spider bite can lead to Curds- and-Wheybies, and a demented gorillas a potential killer with Fay- Wraybies.
A grandmother frothing at the mouth can inflict Crochetbies, and being bitten by a stuttering bigot can lead to K-K-K-bies. Getting bitten by Elmer Fudd can give you a real painful case of Waybies, and if youre making love to a woman and you finish before she does, shes liable to get mad and bite you. Thats Mislaybies. [applause]
I was once bitten by my former wife and got Ex-Raybies. She was a radiologist. [some groans] A bite by a wry humorist can give you Carawaybies. [more groans] Thats a wry humorist OK.
Being bitten by a rabid rabbi can get you Oy-Veybies, [applause] and if you leg gets chomped on by a crazy poet, thats Edna-St.-Vincent- Milaybies. And Paraguaybies is what you get if youre bitten by two mad Latin American homosexuals.
Linda Lovelace could get you Fellabies
Christine Ebersole: Alright, OK, thats enough. Thank you very much. [applause] Brian?
Brian Doyle-Murray: The opening of Annie is scheduled for next week. The producers have mounted a ten-million-dollar media blitz to publicize the motion picture. Every star has been available for interviews for weeks, and now our own Mary Gross has an SNL exclusive. Come in, Mary.
[cut to Mary Gross sitting on a park bench with a dog]
Mary Gross: Hello Brian! Well, here I am in Central Park, and its really quite lovely.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, who do you have for us to, touh, who do you have for us?
Mary Gross: Cat got your tongue? Speaking of cats, Brian, this is Sandy, who plays Little Orphan Annies dog in the movie. Its an honor to have you on our show, Sandy!
[holds up a large speech bubble that reads Arf! The dog tries to jump off the bench]
Wow, this is fun. Live television gets him a little nervous. Tell me, what was it like working with John Huston?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Mary, Mary?
Mary Gross: Yeah?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Uh, I think youve done it again, Mary. That is not Sandy. He doesnt even look like Sandy, Mary.
Mary Gross: Brian, hes not wearing any makeup!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I dont believe it. Its an imposter!
Mary Gross: Well, maybe this will help. Hold on there, boy. Whoa!
[lets the dog jump off the bench while she puts on a large red wig]
Here we go. This is fun, huh?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Be careful, Mary.
Mary Gross: Come here. [lifts the dog up again] Here we go. [begins to sing]
The sun will be out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
Therell be sun—
Brian Doyle-Murray: Is that Back to you, Brian?
Mary Gross: Yeah, thats Back to you, Brian. [sings again; applause] The moon will be out tomorrow
Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you. Thank you Mary and Sandy.
Well the map of the Falkland Islands has become a fa- as familiar a graphic representation as any in history. It means many things to many people, especially in Argentina. This week, the Argentine Psychiatric Association officially included the Falkland map in the Rorschach test, which analyzes personality traits by a persons response to, uh, inkblot designs. Now, the- to some people, this make look like, uh, a butterfly, to others, like a familiar dream figure. Well, the first Argentine responses to the test have come in, and theyre quite interesting.
[various answers scroll on the screen behind Brian, including Abbott & Costello, All the Reagans in Bed, Goodson & Todman, An Octopus in a Cuisinart, and Princess Dianas Acne]
Now SNL Newsbreak would like to hear from viewers about their responses to the inkblot. What does it remind you of? What im- what images does it recall to your mind? Uh, the ones that you are seeing here, these are from Argentineans. Now dont let them influence your spontaneous reactions. All you have to do is look at the inkblot map here for a few seconds, and then write down what it reminds you of, what it looks like to your eyes, or, or what image it elicits in your imagination.
Again, let me remind you, dont be affected by the Argentinean responses. We want American responses. Or if youre British, that might be interesting, too. Now the answers, theyll be recorded, fed into a computer, and analyzed by our own panel of psychiatrically trained news analysts. Results will be released at a later date, and the 15 most interesting responses will be rewarded a blotter and a bottle of ink. Now, Argentineans are disqualified, as are members of SNL Newsbreak staff and their families. So send your response to Blotto, New York, NY. Thank you. [applause; answers continue to scroll on the screen]
Christine? [still more answers; Brian pauses] Thats Blotto, New York, NY. Uh, youll be sending to Blotto. [still more answers. Christine laughs as Brian nervously looks offscreen] Christine, umm
Christine Ebersole: Thats Blotto, to New York. Yes. [cameras finally cut to Christine] Thank you.
New Jersey has virtually restored the death penalty in certain capital crimes. Male convicts will have a choice between the electric chair and a firing squad. Female convicts can choose between the gas chamber and a Rely tampon.
In his parole hearings last week, convicted assassin Sirhan B. Sirhan said that if his victim, Robert F. Kennedy, were alive today, he would fight for Sirhans rights. And John W. Hinckley, at his trial in Washington, agreed. Hinckley said that if Ronald Reagan were alive today, hed fight for Hinckleys rights.
Brian?
Brian Doyle-Murray: The newspaper world was hit with another setback this week when CBS gave veteran newsman Lou Grant his walking papers. We at SNL Newsbreak feel that a man with Lous experience deserves to be on the air doing news. And so now, heres Lou Grant with the weather.
[Lou steps onstage and approaches a weather map next to Brian]
Lou Grant: Thanks, Brian. Thanks a lot, Brian. [clears his throat] Well, lets have a look at the weather. [attempts to smile while waving a marker at the map]
Look, I cant do this Brian. This is silly. Forget it, I- I cant do the weather. Cmon.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, Im sorry, Lou. Its the only job we had open.
Lou Grant: Yeah, I know, but you know, the weather was Gordys job. I mean, I- Im a reporter. A newspaperman! I cant do the weather. I mean, what if Murray and Lou were watching, or somebody, and Ted and everybody?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, their series got picked up, and you didnt.
Lou Grant: Alright, alright.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Go on, why dont you just give it a shot, Lou? Try it, cmon.
Lou Grant: Well, lets have another look at the weather.
[drawing on the map] Theres a lot of little Hs all over the place here. A lot of little Ls, a lot of big Ls. But Ill tell you something right now, this is the real hot spot right here. [draws a rough outline of Central America underneath the map] Right there in El Salvador, thats where its really happening. Come on! Wake up, we gotta get food and supplies to these people, huh? The monsoon season is coming down! I mean were only a few miles away, for Gods sake. What the hells keeping everybody up, huh? Ill tell you–
Brian Doyle-Murray: Lou? I, uh, I just got this memo, uh, from the president of NBC. Theyve cancelled your weather report.
Lou Grant: What?? They cancelled me?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Im afraid so. It says, [pointing to the memo] Grant Tinker.
Lou Grant: Grant Tinker, what a weasel he is! I introduced him to Mary, did you know that? Mary used to be my girl! Aw, what the hell, forget that, Im gonna go looking for him. Ill fix his peacock brain!
[walks off the set; applause]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Sorry, Lou. Those are the breaks, Lou. He probably shouldnt have drawn on the wall, I thinkIm Brian Doyle- Murray. For Christine, Mary, and I, thats the news. Good night and good news.
[cheers and applause as Brian and Christine converse; fade]
Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo
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