SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Executive Stress Test




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19










81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Executive Stress Test

Bill Hoskins…..Danny DeVito
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Mary Hoskins…..Mary Gross
Miguel…..Tony Rosato
Don…..Joe Piscopo
Drug Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
J.P.G…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]

Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?

Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.

Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?

Mary Hoskins: Sure!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You’re now talking to a Senior Vice-President!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that’s wonderful!

Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I’ve been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!

Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You’re the BEST!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes… I’m gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I’m wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!

Bill Hoskins: I couldn’t have done it without you, honey! You’re a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?

Bill Hoskins: I’ll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]

Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it’s been a wonderful experience working with you.

Bill Hoskins: Well… by the way, Beth… If you don’t mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I’d like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.

Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I — I — I — [ she salutes ] I’m mighty glad to be aboard!

Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!

[ the phone rings ]

Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins’ office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It’s Mrs. Hoskins.

[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]

Bill Hoskins: Yeah?

Mary Hoskins: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we’re supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and — [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no…! Ohhhh…!

Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!

Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone…! Give me that phone!

Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!

Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he’s just a… OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[ the phone goes dead ]

Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!

Secretary: I’m… sure she’ll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins…

Bill Hoskins: I should… I should call her!

[ Don enters ]

Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!

Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]

Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.

Bill Hoskins: Alright!

[ she exits ]

Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal — No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.

Don: Wellll, I’m a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?

Bill Hoskins: Well, you’re a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you’ve got seniority, you’ve got more experience, you’ve got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!

Don: [ laughing ] That’s true! But, you know what? You’ve got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I’m gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!

Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!

[ a Black man enters the office ]

Secretary: STOP!! YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!

Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?

Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill’s hand ]

Bill Hoskins: Well, what…? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!

Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: What…?!

Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow — You’re gonna kill yourself.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don’t know what THAT means, and I son’t know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!

Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo — Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I’m gonna bust you in your FACE, man!

Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!

Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I’m gonna cut your THROAT!

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you’d better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey — What are you, crazy?! I’ve never seen this man before in my life!

Don: Hey, pal, look — You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I’ll see you later.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!

Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]

[ Secretary storms in ]

Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You’ve given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It’s INCURABLE!! I’m RUINED for LIFE!!

Bill Hoskins: I’m sorry…!

Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she’s able to talk, I’m gonna tell her that she’s got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener — Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]

Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?

[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]

Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey…! We will spend all his money!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you’re so BOSS, my darling…! Ohhhh, yes!!

Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God’s sake, Mary!!

Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!

[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill’s face ]

Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don’t!

[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]

J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.

Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y’all take it easy. [ he exits ]

Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!

J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That’s right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?

Bill Hoskins: Well… I’m a little shaky, but I feel okay…

J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]

Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I’m so PROUD!! And wasn’t Miguel just terrific?

Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?

J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins — Before we move a man into a top management slot, we’ve gotta make sure that he WON’T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.

Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations…

J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen — anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you’ve got the RIGHT stuff!

Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!

J.P.G.: I’ll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Yeah.

J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh — Oh, Sir, I’ve got a little surprise for you, too!

J.P.G.: Really?

Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn’t mnid waiting for me by the elevator… I’ll be right there!

J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]

[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.’s wake and follows behind him ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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