Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 19
Executive Stress Test
Bill Hoskins…..Danny DeVito
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Mary Hoskins…..Mary Gross
Miguel…..Tony Rosato
Don…..Joe Piscopo
Drug Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
J.P.G…..Brian Doyle-Murray
[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]
Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?
Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.
Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?
Mary Hoskins: Sure!
Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You’re now talking to a Senior Vice-President!
Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that’s wonderful!
Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I’ve been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!
Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You’re the BEST!
Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes… I’m gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I’m wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!
Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!
Bill Hoskins: I couldn’t have done it without you, honey! You’re a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]
[ his Secretary enters ]
Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?
Bill Hoskins: I’ll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]
Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it’s been a wonderful experience working with you.
Bill Hoskins: Well… by the way, Beth… If you don’t mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I’d like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.
Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I — I — I — [ she salutes ] I’m mighty glad to be aboard!
Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!
[ the phone rings ]
Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins’ office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It’s Mrs. Hoskins.
[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]
Bill Hoskins: Yeah?
Mary Hoskins: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we’re supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and — [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no…! Ohhhh…!
Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!
Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone…! Give me that phone!
Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!
Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!
Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he’s just a… OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[ the phone goes dead ]
Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!
Secretary: I’m… sure she’ll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins…
Bill Hoskins: I should… I should call her!
[ Don enters ]
Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!
Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]
Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.
Bill Hoskins: Alright!
[ she exits ]
Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal — No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!
Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.
Don: Wellll, I’m a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?
Bill Hoskins: Well, you’re a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you’ve got seniority, you’ve got more experience, you’ve got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!
Don: [ laughing ] That’s true! But, you know what? You’ve got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I’m gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!
Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!
[ a Black man enters the office ]
Secretary: STOP!! YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!
Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?
Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill’s hand ]
Bill Hoskins: Well, what…? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!
Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]
Bill Hoskins: What…?!
Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow — You’re gonna kill yourself.
Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don’t know what THAT means, and I son’t know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!
Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo — Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I’m gonna bust you in your FACE, man!
Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!
Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I’m gonna cut your THROAT!
Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!
Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you’d better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?
Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey — What are you, crazy?! I’ve never seen this man before in my life!
Don: Hey, pal, look — You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I’ll see you later.
Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!
Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]
[ Secretary storms in ]
Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You’ve given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It’s INCURABLE!! I’m RUINED for LIFE!!
Bill Hoskins: I’m sorry…!
Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she’s able to talk, I’m gonna tell her that she’s got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener — Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]
Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?
[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]
Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey…! We will spend all his money!
Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you’re so BOSS, my darling…! Ohhhh, yes!!
Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God’s sake, Mary!!
Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!
[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill’s face ]
Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don’t!
[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]
J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.
Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y’all take it easy. [ he exits ]
Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!
J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That’s right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?
Bill Hoskins: Well… I’m a little shaky, but I feel okay…
J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]
Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!
Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I’m so PROUD!! And wasn’t Miguel just terrific?
Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?
J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins — Before we move a man into a top management slot, we’ve gotta make sure that he WON’T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.
Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations…
J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen — anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you’ve got the RIGHT stuff!
Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!
J.P.G.: I’ll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?
Bill Hoskins: Yeah.
J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]
Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh — Oh, Sir, I’ve got a little surprise for you, too!
J.P.G.: Really?
Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn’t mnid waiting for me by the elevator… I’ll be right there!
J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]
[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.’s wake and follows behind him ]
[ fade ]
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