Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 19
The Whiners
Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke
Stewardess…..Mary Gross
Passenger…..Danny DeVito
Other passengers…..Yvonne Hudson, Neil Levy, Liz Welch
[ open on passengers boarding an airplane, including: ]
Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh ohhhhh…
Doug Whiner: Thaaaank youuuu.
Wendy Whiner: It’s SO crowd-ed!
Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh, there’s probably no more good magaZINES left!
Wendy Whiner: Honey… What are our seat numberssss?
Doug Whiner: 32-B and Ceeeee!
Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh, here they are, honeyyyyy…
[ they sit next to a fellow passenger ]
Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, but honey, I wanted to sit in the No Smoking section! [ to fellow passenger ] Excuse meeeee? We’re Doug and Wendy Whinerrrrrrr.
Passenger: Oh, uh… well, how are you?
Doug Whiner: We’re allergiiiic.
Passenger: I’m sorry.
Doug Whiner: To smo-o-o-o-ooke!!
Wendy Whiner: We’re all-er-gic to smo-o-o-o-oke!!
Passenger: Oh, alright. I-I won’t smoke.
Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, thank youuuuuu… thank you.
[ the Stewardess hands a blanket to a passenger, then approaches the Whiners ]
Stewardess: Excuse me, Ma’am — You’ll have to store your package beneath the seat in front of you.’
Wendy Whiner: But it’ll stick OUT, and I won’t have any room for my FEEEEEEET!
Stewardess: [ to Doug ] Sir, could you store it beneath the seat in front of you?
Doug Whiner: But MY legs are longer than herrrrrrs!
[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]
Passenger: Alright, I’ll — I’ll put it under my seat. [ he grabs Wendy’s package ]
Wendy Whiner: Thank you. Be CARefulllll…
Doug Whiner: It’s Blue Willow chinaaaaaaaaa!
Wendy Whiner: Honeyyyy? Honey, I feel a dra-a-a-a-aft! Would you turn your air vent o-o-o-offfff?
Doug Whiner: Oh, but mine is o-o-o-offfff…
Wendy Whiner: Oh, but, then WHY do I feel a dra-a-a-a-aftttt??
[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]
Passenger: Alright, alright! I’ll turn mine off! [ he stands to turn the vent off ]
Wendy Whiner: Be carefulllll of the CHI-naaaaaa!
Passenger: Okay, I won’t kick the china. Don’t worry about it. [ he sits ]
Wendy Whiner: [ fidgeting ] Ohhhhh! It’s STILL co-o-o-o-olddddd!!
Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh… STEWARDESSSSSSSS!!!
[ the Stewardess throws a blanket at the Whiners ]
Doug Whiner: Can I have a pillo-o-o-o-owwwww??
[ their fellow passenger shoves a pillow into Doug’s face ]
Doug Whiner: Thannnnnkkk youuuuu…
[ Doug and Wendy cuddle up between the one pillow, making obnoxiously loud cooing noises together ]
Stewardess: Would anyone like a headset?
[ all the other passengers raise their hands in great excitement, surround the stewardess. Doug and Wendy also grab a pair. ]
Doug Whiner: Mmmmm… mine isn’t workinggggggg!!
Wendy Whiner: Oh, me neitherrrrr!
Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, I can’t hear a THINGGGG!!
Wendy Whiner: Sir?
Doug Whiner: Excuse me, Sirrrrr? [ he unplugs the passenger’s headset and yells into it ] EXCUSE MEEEEE!!!
Passenger: OWWW!!! [ he pulls off his headset ] WHAT?!!
Doug Whiner: Our headsets aren’t workingggggg!
Passenger: Well, you have to plug them in here! [ he rises ]
Doug Whiner: Don’t kick the chinaaaaa…
Passenger: Alright! I won’t kick the china! Just let me put — [ he plugs in the headsets for them ] Plug it in!
Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, thank youuuuu!
Wendy Whiner: [ happy ] Ohhhhhh!
Doug Whiner: [ singing along ] “Kissssss the day goodbyyyyyye!”
Together: [ singing ] “Point me towards tomorrowwwwww!! ]
[ the Stewardess addresses the passengers ]
Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen — I’m sorry to announce that today’s flight has been overbooked. At this time, we are asking for volunteers to give up their seats and catch us on a later flight —
[ suddenly, all the other passengers jump to their feet and rush past the stewardess ]
Stewardess: — We’re sorry for the inconvenience, thank you!
[ the passenger next to the Whiners stands ]
Wendy Whiner: Be CAREful of the chinaaaaaa!
[ the Whiners close their eyes and continue singing along with the headset ]
[ in frustration, the passenger finally kicks the shit out of the package beneath his seat ]
Passenger: HUH?! [ he grabs the package and shakes it in front of their closed eyes ] HERE’S YOUR CHINA!! [ mimicking them ] Be careful with the chinaaaaaaa…!!
[ finally, he exits the airplane ]
[ fade ]
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