Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 1
Saturday Night News with Brad Hall
Father Andrew B. Titus…..Tim Kazurinsky
Announcer: And now, Saturday Night News, with the Saturday Night News team and anchorman Brad Hall.[applause]
Brad Hall: Good evening, Im Brad Hall. Our top story tonight:
An exclusive public opinion survey conducted by TV Guide has determined the most trusted television journalists in America. Here are the winners: #1, Harry Reasoner, #2, David Brinkley, #3, John Chancellor, and #4, [removes his glasses] Brad Hall.
Brad Hall: Thank you. Ive only been on for 20 seconds. I hope I can live up to your confidence, America.
To help the Lebanese establish order in the wake of recent events, President Reagan has sent the Marines back into Lebanon. Among the Marines who went are: Maureen OHara, Maureen OSullivan, and Oscar winner Maureen Stapleton. The president is still undecided about sending his own daughter, Maureen Reagan. She disagrees with many of her fathers policies.[picture of Lynn Swann, standing bent over on a football field] Well, it turns out that somebodys gonna benefit from this football strike after all. Pittsburgh Steeler Lynn Swann is using his free time to search Three Rivers Stadium for a contact lens he lost last season. [applause] Said Swann, Ill find it even if I have to go down on all fours and get my knees all scabby.
Brad Hall: You know, its been a great big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe?[pan to Joe, applause]
Joe Piscopo: Thanks Brad. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. The big story: football! Strike! Players! Owners! Greedy? Selfish? Stupid! [applause]
What the hell is going on? Solution: give both sides what they really want. Management: give them player rep Ed Garvey. In a room. Alone. [punches his fists together] Players, they wanted 55%? This looks like 55% to me! [opens small bag of white powder and pours it on the desk, applause]
Come on, fellas! Stop fooling around and play ball! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. Back to you, Brad.[more cheers and applause]
Brad Hall: Thank you, Joe. That sounds like one heck of a suggestion.
You know, this is the first time that Ive ever been on a national television program. Ive been told there are 20 million people watching this show tonight, which makes this a very powerful position to be in. During the week I was thinking, you know, this shows a lot of laughs and its good fun and everything, and Im glad to be here. But Ive been thinking itd be a waste if I didnt say something that was important, you know, something I felt strongly about. And thats why Ive decided to talk about Mr. James Watt, who is the Secretary of the Interior of the United States of America. Heres a picture of Mr. Watt on the cover of Time Magazine. [shows magazine cover]
In an article in here he talks about how hes gonna sell off all the, uh, forest land of the country. Hes selling oil drilling rights to various greedy corporations off the coast of Alaska, in the Santa Barbara Channel, which is where I grew up. Not in the Channel, in Santa Barbara. You know, uh, his whole attitude has gotten me kind of angry, and what were gonna do is, uh, call Mr. Watt, right now, at his home in Washington.[pulls out a telephone from underneath the desk] You know, its great to work for a network because I got Mr. Watts phone number from Tom Brokaw, whos the fifth most trusted newsman in America. Ive got it committed to memory. This should be fun. [dials Mr. Watts phone number; ringing sound effect is heard] Hope hes in.
Womans voice: Hello?
Brad Hall: Uh, hello. Is this the residence of Mr. Watt?
Womans voice: Yes it is.
Brad Hall: Uh, this is Brad Hall calling from NBC.
Womans voice: Well, could you hold a moment, please?
Brad Hall: [covers the phone with his hand and addresses the audience] What do you think we oughta ask him first?
Womans voice: Sir?
Brad Hall: Yes?
Womans voice: Could Mr. Watt call you tomorrow morning?
Brad Hall: Uh, no, Im sorry, this is pretty urgent.
Womans voice: Well- would you please hold?
Brad Hall: All right. [addresses audience] I shouldve told him I was from Mobil Oil, then hed come right to the -
Voice of James Watt: Hello?
Brad Hall: Uh, yes, Mr. Watt. Im sorry to bother you so late, uh, hope I didnt wake you. I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions. Um, why are you selling off all of the, uh, the forest land, and granting drilling rights to greedy corporations?
Voice of James Watt: Well, if hes doing his job right, the Secretary of the Interior should serve this country as a steward. And I dont take this stewardship lightly. Its true I have an obligation to preserve and protect the natural resources.[ SUPER: voice of / JAMES G. WATT ]
Brad Hall: Yes–
Voice of James Watt: But, at the same time, I have an obligation to promote intelligent use of those resources.
Brad Hall: Yes, but what Im trying to
Voice of James Watt: To me, that usage would include the exploration and development of our
Brad Hall: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT, LYING MOUTH, YOU PIG! I got 20 million people that hate your guts! Youre a greasy, slimy, scumbag, and[more shouting muffled by the cheers and applause; Brad angrily hangs up the phone and places it underneath the desk]
Good. Im glad we got that out of our system. Lets go back to the news, shall we?
In an effort to expand the controversial Nobel sperm bank in California, its founder, Robert Graham, has announced the hiring of coast-to-coast representatives to handle the increased demand for high-quality sperm. In addition to the distinguished scientists and Nobel prize winners, the sperm bank will broaden its donor pool to include winners of the Heisman trophy, the Indy 500, and the Belmont Stakes.[photo of Prime minister Margaret Thatcher standing next to a sumo wrestler] Prime minister Margaret Thatcher this week welcomed home Britains Prime minister Prime- uh, Prince Andrew from his long tour of the Falkland Islands. Thats Prince Andrew right there. Andrew, a Royal Navy helicopter pilot, said he really liked that Navy chow, but hell probably request it transferred to the Royal Balloon Corps.
Sources close to the White House said that the only person in the administration who still supports labor secretary Raymond Donovan is President Reagan himself. The reason for this is because the President is moved by two overpowering emotions: the love of friends, and the love of not being afraid to start your car in the morning. [applause]
Brad Hall: Here now with a book review is our guest critic, Father Andrew B. Titus. Father?[shot widens to include Father Titus; applause]
Father Andrew B. Titus: Uh, uh, thank you Brad. Uh, youre one of the new kids, right?
Brad Hall: Thats right, father.
Father Andrew B. Titus: Brad, uh, thats a Catholic name, right?
Brad Hall: No, Father.[A suddenly grumpy Father Titus addresses the camera]
Father Andrew B. Titus: They sent me this book to review, The Readers Digest Bible. An autographed copy. [opens the book] To Father Titus, from You Know Who. Cute.
This is no longer the Word According to God, its the Word According to Some Clown from Readers Digest. This is a travesty! They cut 50% out of the Old Testament, 25% out of the New Testament. So I spose the Ten Commandments are cut down to seven! [slams book on the table] And the Three Wise Men are replaced by one reasonably intelligent jeweler. The Holy Trinity is now two guys and a voiceover, the Almighty is now just Pretty Good, and Jesus is only five foot two!
This is ridiculous. There is no shortcut to salvation. When Jesus spoke to the masses, you think the masses said, Keep it short? God does not need an editor, and we do not need Gods Greatest Hits or The Best of Jesus.
Whats next? Maybe Life magazinell bring out a picture version. Life Goes to the Bible. Perhaps therell be a pop-up Bible. Maybe People magazinell bring out their version. Whats new in Bethlehem? People picks the ten worst dressed people in the Bible. Is there any truth behind those rumors about David and Bathsheba? Mary Magdalene tells how her new man changed her life.
I ask you: is nothing sacred? Why dont we [motioning with his hand] take two steps out of the Sign if the Cross and call it the Sign if the Stick? Readers Digest Condensed Bible, you dont condense- you condense milk, not the Bible! This book is poorly written, its underqualified, its incomplete, andand thats why I didnt read it.
Back to you, Brad. [applause]
Brad Hall: Thank you, Father. God bless you.
Bad news for Richard Dawson: In Iran, the Ayatollah Khomeini has announced that kissing for sexual pleasure is against the law. It will be punishable by whipping. As of yet, there has been no ruling on what the punishment is for whipping for sexual pleasure.
Along with other world leaders, Ronald Reagan has denounced the massacre in Lebanon, and hes announced that he will send an investigative team to make a full report. In keeping with his policy of utilizing qualified experts and specialists, the President has appointed Lieutenant William Calley to head the investigative team.[photo of Vice President George Bush with his two hands held close together in front of him] I remember the first time I touched a womans breasts. Thats what Vice President Bush reminisced as he spoke before a meeting of 3000 Episcopal ministers last week. It was truly a religious experience.
Brad Hall: In Beirut, Lebanon, the situation is still critical, as a struggling populus attempts to regain a semblance of order. Our Saturday Night News correspondent Chevy Chase is on the scene now.[Chevy Chase is shown on the screen behind Brad, standing in front of a red background]
Come in, Chevy. What can you tell us from where you are, Chev?
Chevy Chase: Thank you Brad. And, uh, congratulations on the survey, incidentally. [chuckles]
Brad Hall: Oh, thanks very much. Im sorry you werent on it, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: I beg your pardon?
Brad Hall: Im sorry you werent on it. Some people still remember you.
Chevy Chase: So are you.[looking around] Uh, as you can see, Brad, uh, things are pretty docile here. Uh, they look, uh, almost pastoral. Uh, the atmosphere here is a quiet one, as the sun either comes up or goes down. Its kind of hard to tell in this part of, uh, the area. Uh, the way I see it, uh, all fighting is at a lull, I see no soldiers in the street, Ive seen as of yet no policing and no curfew call. Uh, things appear to be pretty much at a standstill here Brad.
Brad Hall: Chevy, uh, from what weve seen of Beirut, that doesnt exactly look like it. Uh, are you sure youre in the city? Are you in the western sector?
Chevy Chase: Oh yes, uh, Brad, I must tell you that, uh, Ive been all through this city and, uh, at this time as we speak, I am in the, uh, western sector.[as he walks around it becomes clear that he is standing in the set of The Tonight Show; Johnny Carsons desk is seen behind him]
Brad Hall: Of what city, Chevy?
Chevy Chase: [pauses] Of what city? Uh, Of Bur-bank. Uhno, no, you see, Brad, I missed that plane in New York as you know, and, uh, it would have gone on to Beirut, but
Brad Hall: I see. Uh, Chevy, are you not in fact, uh, standing on the Tonight Show set right now?
Chevy Chase: Uh, I couldnt quite hear you, Brad. Could you repeat yourselves?
Brad Hall: Chevy, it looks to me like youre standing right on the Tonight Show set.
Chevy Chase: Yes thats true, Brad, and a good question it is. Uh, I am on the Tonight Show set
Brad Hall: Ah.
Chevy Chase: And as you can see, uh, we, uh, [points to his left] were over by the bandstand there, and this is of course, [points to his right] uh, Johnnys, uh . Back to you, Brad!
Brad Hall: Thank you Chevy. Thank you for that fascinating report from Bur-bank.[applause]
Well, thats all the news for tonight. For SNL News, Im Brad Hall. Good night.[more applause; fade]
Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo