Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 1
Popeil Galactic Prophylactic
[ open on Spokesman holding a handful of condom packets ]
Spokesman: Men! How many prophylactics do you use in a year?! Twenty?! Thirty?! Forty?! A hundred?! [ strolls over to product ] Well, you never need buy a prophylactic again, thanks to Popeil’s new Galactic Prophylactic, the prophylactic guaranteed to last you fifty years! Imagine that! Fiifty years![ SUPER: “Lasts Fifty Years” ]
Spokesman: It’s more than a contraceptive, it’s a family heirloom![ dissolve to Father handing the prophylactic to his son ] [ SUPER: “Demonstration” ]
Spokesman V/O: One you can pass down from father to son!
Spokesman: How can a prophylactic last for fifty years?! Let’s take a look at Popeil’s exclusive design! [ holds out design ] A layer of rubber! A layer of reinforced steel! And yet another layer of rubber! Isn’t that amazing! and guaranteed for fifty years to not snap, break, or pop! Watch![ dissolve to musclemen playing tug-of-war with an unusually stretchy piece of condom ]
Spokesman V/O: These muscle men are stretching the Popeil Galactic Prophylactic a mind-boggling five times its normal length! It will not break! Isn’t that amazing! But, more![ dissolve back to Spokesman ] [ Spokesman fires gun at an outstretched product ]
Spokesman: It can stop bullets! Isn’t that amazing! But you want more! Before you answer, before — What would you pay for the Galactic Prophylactic?! Before you answer – we will throw in, at no additional charge, the Dura-Fram Disaphragm! The diaphragm that’s guaranteed to last for fifty years, and take a pounding and keep coming back! Here, we’ve got a woman demonstrating![ woman bounces on a trampoline made out of a stretched condom ]
Spokesman V/O: We’ve brought this thing a thousand times its normal size! Doesn’t that look like fun! Isn’t that amazing! Doesn’t it look like great fun to you![ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: It can all be yours! The Galactic Prophylactic! The Dura-Fram Diaphragm! Both for only $5.95! These days, it’s hard to stretch money, so why not get rubber that lasts a lifetime?
Announcer: Popeil Galactic Prophylactic. Available at fine hardware and sporting good stores.