SNL Transcripts: Ron Howard: 10/09/82


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 3

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 9, 1982

Ron Howard

The Clash

Harry Anderson

Andy Griffith

Rex Reed
Bureau of Weights & MeasuresSummary: The Bureau of Weights & Measures recommends that viewers watch “Saturday Night Live” while holding their TVs in their laps.

Note: This piece did not air in repeats of the episode.


Ron Howard’s MonologueSummary: Feeling repressed by his prime-time performances in “THe Andy Griffith Show” and “Happy Days”, Ron Howard welcomes his moment on late night television by tossing out taboo words and drinking a Budweiser on the air.


Opie’s BackSummary: In the years following Sheriff Andy Taylor’s death, the sterile landscape of Mayberry has turned into a seedy town filled with prostitute rings and strip joints. That is, until little Opie Taylor (Ron Howard) returns from the Vietnam War with a vow to clean Mayberry of its filth. Denizens like Aunt Bea (Robin Duke) and a homosexual Goober (Brad Hall) are resistent, but Opie manages to make things right with a little helpful advice summoned up from Pa (Andy Griffith).

Gaffe: Eddie Murphy plays Floyd the barber as a black man. When Ron Howard accidentally calls him Otis, he rebounds by stating, “I told you I didn’t recognize you!”


Velvet JonesSummary: Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) introduces his series of harlequin romance novels.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.


The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) tell their doctor (Ron Howard) that they want to have a baby.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.


Harry AndersonSummary: Comedy-magician Harry Anderson performs an illusion that makes it appear as though he’s shoved a hat pin through his arm, but even he is surprised by the sight of fake blood gushing from the puncture holes.


In Search of..Summary: Leonard Nimoy (Joe Piscopo) ponders the appearance of Francis The Talking Mule throughout human history, while overlooking the Vulcan growth of his ears.

Focus on FilmSummary: Ron Howard is anxious to discuss the upcoming film he’s directed, but host Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) would rather discuss “Opie Cunningham.”

Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.


Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Mary Gross lists people she thinks shouldn’t have jobs. Brad Hall covers before-and-after photos of celebrities who have had plastic surgery. Brad Hall apologizes for calling James Watt a “slime” on the season premiere, then punches his photo. Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) puts his perspective on the situation in the Middle East.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.


The Clash perform “Straight To Hell”

Carter’s FlashbackSummary: While discussing his memoirs with a Time Magazine reporter (Gary Kroeger), former presidnt Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) recalls his meeting with a bored, distracted Ronald Reagan (voice of Joe Piscopo) during his final days in the Oval Office.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.


America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.

Note: Repeat from: 03/27/82.

Sylvester School of Speech TherapySummary: An IRS agent (Tim Kazurinsky) suspects the speech therapy school for extreme stutterers may be a fraud.

Why A HookerSummary: When a john (Ron Howard) asks a hooker (Robin Duke) why she chose her profession, she and her associates provide a long list of cliched reasons.

The Clash perform “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”

Nukes Are For KooksSummary: Shopkeepers (Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) carry personal nuclear warheads to deter crime, but it doesn’t stop a thief (Joe Piscopo) from raiding the cash register.



SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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