Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 3
October 9, 1982
Bureau of Weights & MeasuresSummary: The Bureau of Weights & Measures recommends that viewers watch “Saturday Night Live” while holding their TVs in their laps.
Note: This piece did not air in repeats of the episode.
Ron Howard’s MonologueSummary: Feeling repressed by his prime-time performances in “THe Andy Griffith Show” and “Happy Days”, Ron Howard welcomes his moment on late night television by tossing out taboo words and drinking a Budweiser on the air.
Opie’s BackSummary: In the years following Sheriff Andy Taylor’s death, the sterile landscape of Mayberry has turned into a seedy town filled with prostitute rings and strip joints. That is, until little Opie Taylor (Ron Howard) returns from the Vietnam War with a vow to clean Mayberry of its filth. Denizens like Aunt Bea (Robin Duke) and a homosexual Goober (Brad Hall) are resistent, but Opie manages to make things right with a little helpful advice summoned up from Pa (Andy Griffith).
Gaffe: Eddie Murphy plays Floyd the barber as a black man. When Ron Howard accidentally calls him Otis, he rebounds by stating, “I told you I didn’t recognize you!”
Velvet JonesSummary: Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) introduces his series of harlequin romance novels.
Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.
The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) tell their doctor (Ron Howard) that they want to have a baby.
Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.
Harry AndersonSummary: Comedy-magician Harry Anderson performs an illusion that makes it appear as though he’s shoved a hat pin through his arm, but even he is surprised by the sight of fake blood gushing from the puncture holes.
In Search of..Summary: Leonard Nimoy (Joe Piscopo) ponders the appearance of Francis The Talking Mule throughout human history, while overlooking the Vulcan growth of his ears.
Focus on FilmSummary: Ron Howard is anxious to discuss the upcoming film he’s directed, but host Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) would rather discuss “Opie Cunningham.”
Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.
Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Mary Gross lists people she thinks shouldn’t have jobs. Brad Hall covers before-and-after photos of celebrities who have had plastic surgery. Brad Hall apologizes for calling James Watt a “slime” on the season premiere, then punches his photo. Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) puts his perspective on the situation in the Middle East.
Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.
The Clash perform “Straight To Hell”
Carter’s FlashbackSummary: While discussing his memoirs with a Time Magazine reporter (Gary Kroeger), former presidnt Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) recalls his meeting with a bored, distracted Ronald Reagan (voice of Joe Piscopo) during his final days in the Oval Office.
Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.
America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.
Note: Repeat from: 03/27/82.
Sylvester School of Speech TherapySummary: An IRS agent (Tim Kazurinsky) suspects the speech therapy school for extreme stutterers may be a fraud.
Why A HookerSummary: When a john (Ron Howard) asks a hooker (Robin Duke) why she chose her profession, she and her associates provide a long list of cliched reasons.
The Clash perform “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”
Nukes Are For KooksSummary: Shopkeepers (Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) carry personal nuclear warheads to deter crime, but it doesn’t stop a thief (Joe Piscopo) from raiding the cash register.