Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 3
Jimmy Carter…..Joe Piscopo
Voice of Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on former President Jimmy Carter sitting comfortably next to a reporter from Time Magazine during an interview ]
Reporter: First of all, President Carter, I think I speak for everyone at Time Magazine when I say that we’re proud to be publishing the excerpts of your memoirs.
Jimmy Carter: Well, you’re very kind, Chris, thank you. And thank you for leaving out that picture of me fighting off that crazed rabbit with a boat paddle!
Reporter: [ laughs politely ]
Jimmy Carter: You know, there are a few things I would like to forget, however: the rabbit, Billy, the Ayatollah, my mother.
Reporter: Let’s talk about your dealings with President Reagan.
Jimmy Carter: I’d rather talk about the rabbit. [ smiles ]
Reporter: [ again laughs politely ]
Jimmy Carter: Actually, it was during a period of transition. Just before I left the White House, I invited Mr. Reagan to the Oval Office. Uh, honestly, I was going to brief him on matters of extreme importance. I was very disturbed at his lack of interest —[ the screen ripples into the past, into a point-of-view shot of Ronald Reagan walking down the hall outside the Oval Office, where he’s greeted by a Secretary as he hums “Hail to the Chief” ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Hi, I’m Ron Reagan! I’m moving in pretty soon. President Carter asked me to drop by.
Secretary: [ happily ] Oh! Yes, of course, Mr. Reagan. Please come with me.[ she stands and leads the way into the Oval Office ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Ohh, is this where Jimmy works?
Secretary: Oh, yes sir, this is the Oval Office! Please take a seat. [ Reagan sits facing Carter’s desk ] Um, President Carter will be with you in just one moment. Will there be anything else?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes. You’re fired! Ha ha ha! I’m just kidding.[ the Secretary smiles politely, then exits the Oval Office ] [ Reagan’s point-of-view shot glances around the room ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Gee.. the Oval Office. I wonder why they call it that? [ continues to hum “Hail to the Chief” as he begins to move about the Oval Office ] Oh, that’s a nice tune. Oh, gee, when they swear me in, maybe I’ll get Sammy Kahn to write some special lyrics. [ wanders to the back of Carter’s desk ] Gee, the President’s desk. Well, may as well get a feel for it. [ sits at Carter’s desk ] Let’s see, uh, let me say something presidential. Uh.. shut up! [ his hand points toward the door ] Yeah, that’s good! “Shut up.” [ his hand reaches down and pulls open a desk drawer, revealing peanut shells covering doctored photo of Billy Carter; Reagan holds it up , then drops it on the desk and pulls out an issue of Playboy Magazine ] I wonder who the Playmate is? [ opens the magazine to the page featuring an interview with President Carter ] [ President Carter enters the Oval Office ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh. Uh, hi, Jimmy!
Jimmy Carter: Looking for something?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Just trying it out for size.
Jimmy Carter: Ron, for the next few days, would you mind very much if I sat there?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh, uh, not at all, Jimmy! Knock yourself out!
Jimmy Carter: Thank you, thank you very much. [ places his briefcase across the desk ] Ron, now – I-I invited you here to brief you on matters of supreme importance. [ Ron’s hand enters the frame in a posed position, as Ron admires his manicure ] Uh, Ron?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, Jimmy?
Jimmy Carter: I-I was saying – concerning the issue of human rights, I’m sure you’ll want to continue the policy of opposing dictatorial regimes throughout — [ Ron now begins to trim his fingernails with a clipper ] Ron, am I – am I boring you?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh, no. no, no. I-I-I’m all ears.
Jimmy Carter: With regard to our domestic problem, we must never advocate our responsibilty to the nation’s poor.. the elderly.. the disadvantaged — [ Ron holds up a handkerchief in front of the camera; as it disappears from view, we can hear Ron blowing his nose ] Ron, now that you have attended to your personal hygeine, let’s try to ocncentrate for a moment on the SALT negotiations. Of all the overwhelming problems faced by — [ Ron’s hands enters frame and begins to caress Carter’s briefcase ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh – nice briefcase.
Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you, thank you very much, Ron. But, uh, no problem is mroe urgent than finding a way to curb the dangerous and expensive buildup of nuclear — [ Ron opens Csrter’s briefcase with both hands, revealing a beeping triggering device inside labeled “Warning: Triggering Device Activated” ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: [ holds his hand over the trigger button ] What’s the button for?
Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch that, Ron. [ smiles ] I see we have got a lot of work to do. [ closes and locks the briefcase ] Uh.. perhaps there is something that you would like to ask of me?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, uh, Jim – can you do this? [ holds his hands together and twiddles his thumbs around one another ]
Jimmy Carter: [ grabs the briefcase and pulls it away ] No, I can’t, Ron.
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh.. how about this one? [ touches his fingers together, then moves them in a climbing motion and sings: ] “The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout..”
Jimmy Carter: [ Carter looks on, dubmfounded, as a side camera pulls out to reveal the cameraman and stagehand kneeling in front of the desk ] [ fade ]