Nukes Are For Kooks
Mrs. Board…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[ open on interior, general store, where storekeeper Ed and co-worker Mrs. Board each conduct business while clutching a nuclear warhead ]
Ed: Big dance over at the high school tonight, Mrs. Board.
Mrs. Board: Oh, I remember my first high school dance.
Ed: Yep, so do I. You know, you were quite a looker then.
Mrs. Board: Ooh, well, you were nothing to sneeze at in those days, Ed.[ they each chuckle at the remembrance ]
Ed: You know, the nights I’ve spent dreaming about sucking your face, Mrs. Board,
Mrs. Board: [ blushes ] Oh, Ed![ they again laugh, as Brian sprints into the general store carrying a nuclear warhead of his own ]
Brian: Hey, Doc! Hey, Mrs. Board
Ed: Well, hello, Brian!
Mrs. Board: Hi there, young man. What have you been up to?
Brian: Pearl diving. Why?
Mrs. Board: Well, you got a big date for the dance?
Brian: You’re darn right! I’ve got my first date with a real girl!
Mrs. Board: Oh, my goodness! Isn’t that nice?
Brian: Yeah! [ moves over toward Ed at the counter ] After the dance, I’m gonna bring her here for a soda, Doc!
Ed: Well, you know, it’s always nice to see your fresh face in my general store, Brian.
Brian: It’s just youth, sir, just youth.[ Ed chuckles at the anecdote, as a robber runs into the general store carrying, not a nuclear warhead, but a pistol ]
Robber: Alright, you hicks – freeze! [ runs over to Ed at the counter ] Alright, old man, open the cash register.
Ed: You don’t mind if I ask you this, young man: [ covers the pistol with his hand ] Is that a real gun you’re sportin’ there? [ he and the others laugh amongst themselves ]
Robber: You want to find out the hard way, old man?
Ed: Oh, no! No, no, no! I-I don’t suppose I do! [ he and the others continue to laugh amongst themselves ]
Robber: [ rushes over to Mrs. Board and Brian ] Hey! Hey! What’s so funny? [ Brian just laughs ] Yeah? You just keep laughing while I blow away the old lady! [ wraps his arm around Mrs. Board to hold her hostage, but the others just laugh harder ]
Mrs. Board: [ to Brian ] Did you bring your camera, I want a picture of this!
Brian: I forgot the Instamatic – today of all days!
Ed: [ walks over to join the crowd ] Always – always when you need one, huh? [ they all continue to laugh amongst themselves ]
Robber: [ confused ] Hey! Hey, wh-what’s going on?
Ed: Oh, listen here, young feller – that gun won’t do you any good here in Dunkerton.
Robber: [ getting angry ] And why not?
Ed: We all carry nuclear warheads. [ pats his on the head ]
Brian: Yep! [ pats his on the head as well ]
Mrs. Board: It’s a city ordinance!
Robber: City ordinance? Huh?
Ed: That’s right – city ordinance! It says every citizen’s got to carry himself a warhead. “No one is gonna step on Dunkerton,” says the Mayor. So you cause any ruckus in this store, and we’ll drop these warheads. Blow out a patch of land the size of Des Moines, blow your fingers and toes down clear over to Keokuk!
Robber: [ not impressed ] Yeah, well, it’ll take your fingers and toes clear over to Keokuk, too!
Ed: Damn straight! So just get the Sam Hill outta here!
Robber: [ taps Ed’s nuclear warhead with his pistol ] Yeah, well, you forgot one thing, Oppenheimer! I am a very desperate man with very little to lose! [ walks back over to the cash register ] So you know what I’m gonna do, pal? I am gonna cal your bluff! [ opens the cash register and begins collecting the paper bills ]
Ed: [ aghast ] Do you think I’m bluffin’?! Well, just look at me now if you think I’m bluffin’! I’ll drop this warhead! [ raises his nuclear warhead into the air ] Ready position! [ Mrs. Board and Brian raise their nuclear warheads into the air as well ]
Robber: [ chuckles to himself as he crosses toward the door ] Bombs away, Dunkers! [ exits the general store ]
Ed: Huh?! Get the Sam Hill back here! [ stands at the fot of the door, screaming into the distance ] I’ll drop it!! I will drop it!![ Mrs. Board and Brian lower their nucelar warheads in defeat ]
Brian: Hey, Doc Festoon?
Ed: [ meekly lowers his nuclear warhead as well ] What is it, Brian?
Brian: Well. Perhaps nuclear warheads are not an effective deterrant.
Ed: That’s right, Brian. [ turns to address the audience ] Nuclear warheads are not an effective deterrant. And weren’t we fools not to realize it? Why, there are already seven nations in the nuclear club, with the ability to destroy the Earth many times over.
Mrs. Board: [ moves forward, removing her glasses ] Well, you know, the idea that you can win a nuclear war is just bunk! It’s loony!
Brian: [ comes forward as well ] Gosh! I’ve learned an important lesson here today! Nukes are for kooks! [ smiles ] [ the robber re-enters the general store to address the audience as well ]
Robber: That’s mighty convincing anti-nuclear rhetoric. I’d like to re-create this scene for my friends, so that they might know the evils of nuclear proliferation!
Ed: Well, you’re in luck! [ to the audience ] Transcripts of this scene are available now from this station. Here’s how to order. [ looks up ] Don?
Don Pardo V/O: Thanks, Ed.[ dissolve to information card ]
For your transcript, send $2.95 and a stamped self-addressed envelope to: “Nukes Are For Kooks, Saturday Night Live Sketches With a Message Dept. Box 9-1-2, New York, New York, 1-0-1-0-1.”[ dissolve back to general store scene ]
Altogether: And, remember – only you can prevent forest fires![ fade ]