Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 3
Aunt Bea…Robin Duke
Announcer: Mayberry, 1963. A haven of traditional American values. A quiet paradise of warmth, hospitality, and law and order. [Dissolve to photo of Andy Griffith as Sheriff Andy Taylor] all maintained by Sheriff Andy Taylor. But then, Sheriff Taylor was killed in a fishing accident. [Dissolve to photo of Mayberry storefronts, including Floyd’ Barber Shop] and with its protector gone, Mayberry went bad! [Music changes to “stripper” version of theme song. The storefronts suddenly transform into adult businesses: “Girls Girls Girls”, “Floyd’s Sex Palace” and “Drugs”] Mayberry, 1982. A cesspool of vice, where pleasure is cheap, and life is cheaper.[Dissolve to the inside of Floyd’s store. In addition to the barber chair, the store contains blow-up sex dolls, lingerie and other adult merchandise]
Floyd: [to customer in barber chair] Here you go. All straightened up now. Now, that was a haircut and a shave, and, oh, a party doll. I think that’s gonna cost you $40. Ah, thank you very much. Thank you, sir. Have a nice day! Have a very nice day! [Customer opens the door as Otis the drunk enters]
Customer: Oh hi, Otis! [exits]
Otis: [staggers over to Floyd, slurring] Floyd, ya gotta help me! I need a fix!
Floyd: Otis, you shut up and sit down! [forces Otis into the barber chair]
Otis: I need a fix real bad, Floyd. I feel spiders under my skin.
Floyd: You shut your mouth. You still owe me money. [Waves razor in front of Otis] I’ll cut you wide open, you fat pig!
Otis: Don-Don-Don’t cut me! Don’t cut me! I heard you had a little party last night, Floyd.
Floyd: Oh yeah, that big shindig last night. Tied up that old bitch Thelma Lou for a better view from the ceiling, then I lathered her up with my strap and gave her a little shave.
Otis: [burps] Did she scream a lot?
Floyd: Only when I nicked her, Otis. [laughs] [Aunt Bea enters holding a gun]
Aunt Bea: You turn around real slow, Floyd, or I’ll put a bullet in that black butt of yours!
Floyd: [turns around] Oh, Bea, how are ya? So good to see you.
Aunt Bea: Well, Floyd, Thelma Lou tells me that you sliced her up a little and nobody cuts up one of my girls without payin’ extra.
Floyd: Oh sorry, I don’t think I have any extra money on me.
Aunt Bea: Well…[Snare drum beat cuts them off as narration resumes]
Announcer: Mayberry, a town in the grips of the hardest criminals ever to stain a street. But in 1982, the scum who run Mayberry had better watch out because…[A grown-up Opie Taylor enters, wearing a sheriff’s uniform and drawing his gun]
Opie: FREEZE![SUPER: “OPIE’S BACK”]
Narrator: Opie’s back![Dissolve to black-and-white photo of young Opie Taylor]
Narrator: Opie Taylor. Once he was a young, small-town wimp who got beaten up for his lunch money. [Dissolve to photo of grown-up Opie in soldier’s uniform] But then he left home and grew up fast in Vietnam. [Dissolve to photo of American soldier in Vietnam] and taught the Viet Cong a lesson in small town American values with a flame-thrower. [Dissolve back to present-day Opie in Floyd’s store] And now, he’s back ready to clean up Mayberry with a loaded .357.
Opie: Drop that gun, lady!
Aunt Bea: Why, I recognize that voice! It belongs to that obnoxious red nephew of mine!
Opie: Aunt Bea!
Aunt Bea: Opie! [Opie and Aunt Bea hug] What the hell are you doing here? We heard you bought it in ‘Nam.
Opie: Oh no, that wasn’t me, Aunt Bea. That was The Beaver. Nah, I spent three years in a rat cage in Kwang Tree. Three years dreamin’ o’ orange pop, fishin’ and apple pie. What happened to this town, Aunt Bea?
Aunt Bea: Well, times change, runt. Your damn father didn’t leave much for me to live on, so I rounded up Thelma Lou and a couple of the girls and I started a local business. Well, turns out people were tired of havin’ to drive up to Mount Pilot every time they wanted to get some tail.
Opie: Aunt Bea, that’s disgusting! And Floyd, Floyd, what’s happened to you? You’re…what, you’re…
Floyd: I’m black, genius. Always been black, Opie. Always, oh, for years I was black. Black, oh, for ten years. Your pa used to know about it. He used to make me walk around Mayberry wearin’ whiteface. Your pa knew about it. You know, you should live up to it. You’re getting your hair cut by a Negro, boy. If I had my way, I would cut your throat. I woulda. Yeah.
Opie: That’s enough, Floyd! Now all of you, listen up! I don’t care if times have changed. This town’s goin’ back to the way it was, even if I have to scrape every last bit of scum off the sidewalks with my own hands. We might as well start with this place, too. Look at this! That’s awful! [Begins ripping the adult merchandise off the wall]
Floyd: Hey, that’s not necessary to pull that down.
Aunt Bea: Opie. Opie!
Floyd: [as Opie rips another item off the wall] Hey, oh, that’s my favorite.[Deputy Barney Fife and Gomer Pyle enter. Barney has his gun drawn]
Barney: Hold it right there, Ope! Gomer, take his gun.
Gomer: Hey there, Opie!
Gomer: [Takes Opie’s gun] You get your hands on the counter there. Put your feet back and spread ’em. I’m gonna search ya, Opie. [Gomer gives Opie a pat-down search] Well, gawww-lee! You sure got a hard body, Opie! He’s clean, Barn.
Barney: That’s right, Ope. Nice to see ya again. [Walks over to Floyd] Floyd, youse late on your payments.
Floyd: Oh, sorry ’bout that, Barney.
Opie: Barney! What the heck is goin’ on here?
Barney: Well, Mayberry’s grown up! Oh, and I see that you have, too! You know, I could use a good man like yourself to make collections.
Aunt Bea: Ooo, the girls would just love to see some new blood around the house! They’d just gobble up a young stud like you!
Gomer: Hey, Ope! If y’all come up to the garage, I’ll show you my dipstick!
Barney: Look, Ope. [Takes a bullet from his pocket and loads it into his gun] Either you accept Mayberry right now or I’m gonna have to waste you. [Points gun at Opie]
Opie: [walks over to window] Oh, I sure wish Pa was here. He’d know what to do.[Andy’s head appears in the upper-left corner of the screen]
Andy: What’s the matter, Ope? You got a problem?
Opie: Pa! Pa, is that you? I need your help. I came back to clean up Mayberry, but I can’t. They took my gun!
Andy: Aw, a gun never solved anything. I never carried one. You wanna get people over to your side, [winks] do what I did! Talk to ’em, reason with ’em. And if that doesn’t work, ball up your fists and hit ’em upside the head! [grins] How do you think I kept Aunt Bea in line?
Opie: [Wipes a tear from his eye] Thanks, Pa! [Andy’s image disappears. Opie walks over to Barney] Gimme that gun, Barney.
Barney: I don’t think so.
Barney: Here ya go. [He hands Opie the gun]
Opie: [to Floyd] Otis, within the next 24 hours, the sexiest thing I wanna see in this shop had better be a bottle of Old Spice. You got it?
Floyd: I got it, Ope, and I’m Floyd.
Opie: [realizing his mistake] I told you I couldn’t recognize you! [Pats Otis on the chest] Hey, Otis! [Otis burps. Opie walks over to Aunt Bea] Now, Aunt Bea, I want you to get yourself back in that little kitchen, and I want you to bake me the biggest….
Aunt Bea: Oh, drop dead! I don’t remember the recipe!
Opie: [raising his hand to hit Aunt Bea] You better remember it, Aunt Bea!
Barney: That’s right, you better remember it!
Opie: [grabs Gomer] Now, Gomer, you get yourself back in that closet, or you get outta town!
Opie: I’m gonna make Mayberry what it once was: wholesome, virtuous! I know it’s a big job, but America’s gotta have somethin’ to believe in. [To the audience] Come one, everybody! You all remember it! [Begins whistling the “Andy Griffith Show” theme along with the recording] [fade]
Submitted by: John Ravetti