SNL Transcripts: Ron Howard: 10/09/82: The Whiners

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3



82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

The Whiners

Doctor…..Ron Howard
Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke

[ open in Doctor’s office, Doug & Wendy Whiner seated in front of his desk ]

Doctor: Well.. I’ve gone over all your test results, and, frankly, I can’t find anything physically wrong with you..

Whiners: [ whining profusely ] Then why can’t we have a babyyy?

Doctor: Well, uh.. Mr. & Mrs. Whiner.. it seems to me that the problem just couyld be psychological. Is there anything bothering either one of you?

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh.. my di-ver-tic-u-lit-isss!

Wendy Whiner: My hi-a-tus hern-i-aaaaa..!

Doctor: Well, no, no, no.. I mean, are you under any kind of stress?

Doug Whiner: Well, Wendy’s mom is stay-ing with usss..

Wendy Whiner: Doug lost his jo-o-obb..

Doug Whiner: Our a-part-ment was ro-obbeddd..

Wendy Whiner: And I don’t feel a-ttract-ive!

Doug Whiner: Oh, Wen-dy, you’re beau-ti-fulll.. [ hugs her ]

Wendy Whiner: But I can’t have a ba-byyy!

Doctor: Mr. & Mrs. Whiner, you two are obviously both under a great deal of strain, from what you’ve just told me. It’s a strain just to listen to it. But, frankly, this happens time and time again to couples. you’re just trying too hard to have a baby. In these instances, I recommend that you adopt.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] A-dopttt?! But we want our own ba-byyy!!

Doctor: Please. Please just let me finiish. Very often, once the adoption procedure begins, why then a couple relaxes, and bang, they’re pregnant!

Doug Whiner: But it’s so much both-errr!

Wendy Whiner: And it would-n’t be a real Whine-rrr!

Doug Whiner: I’m the last of the Whine-rsss! Doc-tor, my genes must live onnn..

Wendy Whiner: Is-n’t there some-thing you can do-o-o? I want to be a moth-errr!

Doug Whiner: And I want to be a fath-errrr!

Whiners: We want to be par-entsss!!

Doctor: Alright, alright! Just shut up! I’m very sorry that I lost my temper, but if you would only listen to me. There is another alternative. Artificial insemination.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] Art-i-fic-ial in-sem-in-at-ionnnn??!!

Doctor: Would you please just let me finish what I was telling you about..?

Doug Whiner: I don’t knowww.. artificial inseminationnn..?

Wendy Whiner: Ohhh, no-o-o, no-o-o..!

Doctor: [ sticks his fingers in his ears ] We take Doug’s sperm, insert in an egg from Wendy, plant it in a surrogate mother, and, BOOM, you got a Whiner! [ happy, the Whiners kiss ] Look, look.. [ grabs some brochures ] Here’s all the literature, the address of the clinic, the phone number.. please, please, go, go!

Doug Whiner: It looks gre-at! I feel like a man a-gainn!

Wendy Whiner: And I won’t get fa-att!

Doug Whiner: Thank you, Doc-torr!

Doctor: You’re very, very welcome. Here’s the door. [ opens door ]

Whiners: We’re gon-na have a bab-byyy!!

Wendy Whiner: Will you de-liv-er itt?

Doctor: No! Uh.. I mean.. I’m giving up my practice and, uh.. moving! I’m moving to.. Puerto Rico! I’m going to Puerto Rico!

Doug Whiner: Can we vis-it you with the ba-byyy?

Doctor: No! [ thinking ] They don’t allow babies in Puerto Rico! I’m sorry! It’s a law. [ closes door ]

Whiners: [ open the door back up ] Can we name it af-ter you-ou-ou??

[ the Doctor slumps in his chair as the crowd around him again ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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