Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 3
The Whiners
Doctor…..Ron Howard
Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke
[ open in Doctor’s office, Doug & Wendy Whiner seated in front of his desk ]
Doctor: Well.. I’ve gone over all your test results, and, frankly, I can’t find anything physically wrong with you..
Whiners: [ whining profusely ] Then why can’t we have a babyyy?
Doctor: Well, uh.. Mr. & Mrs. Whiner.. it seems to me that the problem just couyld be psychological. Is there anything bothering either one of you?
Doug Whiner: Ohhhh.. my di-ver-tic-u-lit-isss!
Wendy Whiner: My hi-a-tus hern-i-aaaaa..!
Doctor: Well, no, no, no.. I mean, are you under any kind of stress?
Doug Whiner: Well, Wendy’s mom is stay-ing with usss..
Wendy Whiner: Doug lost his jo-o-obb..
Doug Whiner: Our a-part-ment was ro-obbeddd..
Wendy Whiner: And I don’t feel a-ttract-ive!
Doug Whiner: Oh, Wen-dy, you’re beau-ti-fulll.. [ hugs her ]
Wendy Whiner: But I can’t have a ba-byyy!
Doctor: Mr. & Mrs. Whiner, you two are obviously both under a great deal of strain, from what you’ve just told me. It’s a strain just to listen to it. But, frankly, this happens time and time again to couples. you’re just trying too hard to have a baby. In these instances, I recommend that you adopt.
Whiners: [ alarmed ] A-dopttt?! But we want our own ba-byyy!!
Doctor: Please. Please just let me finiish. Very often, once the adoption procedure begins, why then a couple relaxes, and bang, they’re pregnant!
Doug Whiner: But it’s so much both-errr!
Wendy Whiner: And it would-n’t be a real Whine-rrr!
Doug Whiner: I’m the last of the Whine-rsss! Doc-tor, my genes must live onnn..
Wendy Whiner: Is-n’t there some-thing you can do-o-o? I want to be a moth-errr!
Doug Whiner: And I want to be a fath-errrr!
Whiners: We want to be par-entsss!!
Doctor: Alright, alright! Just shut up! I’m very sorry that I lost my temper, but if you would only listen to me. There is another alternative. Artificial insemination.
Whiners: [ alarmed ] Art-i-fic-ial in-sem-in-at-ionnnn??!!
Doctor: Would you please just let me finish what I was telling you about..?
Doug Whiner: I don’t knowww.. artificial inseminationnn..?
Wendy Whiner: Ohhh, no-o-o, no-o-o..!
Doctor: [ sticks his fingers in his ears ] We take Doug’s sperm, insert in an egg from Wendy, plant it in a surrogate mother, and, BOOM, you got a Whiner! [ happy, the Whiners kiss ] Look, look.. [ grabs some brochures ] Here’s all the literature, the address of the clinic, the phone number.. please, please, go, go!
Doug Whiner: It looks gre-at! I feel like a man a-gainn!
Wendy Whiner: And I won’t get fa-att!
Doug Whiner: Thank you, Doc-torr!
Doctor: You’re very, very welcome. Here’s the door. [ opens door ]
Whiners: We’re gon-na have a bab-byyy!!
Wendy Whiner: Will you de-liv-er itt?
Doctor: No! Uh.. I mean.. I’m giving up my practice and, uh.. moving! I’m moving to.. Puerto Rico! I’m going to Puerto Rico!
Doug Whiner: Can we vis-it you with the ba-byyy?
Doctor: No! [ thinking ] They don’t allow babies in Puerto Rico! I’m sorry! It’s a law. [ closes door ]
Whiners: [ open the door back up ] Can we name it af-ter you-ou-ou??
[ the Doctor slumps in his chair as the crowd around him again ]
[ fade out ]
