Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 4
82d: Howard Hesseman / Men At Work
Marvin in the Caribbean
[FADE IN on a cantina in a Caribbean town. A big, black, bearded bartender turns on the jukebox, which starts playing marimba music. Two men and a woman are sitting at a table and playing cards, while two women in colorful dresses converse with men at the bar. A moment later, Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross walk in, obviously dressed as American tourists.]
Marvin: What do you think?
Celeste: It certainly is colorful!
Marvin: Maybe we should leave.
Celeste: Oh, we wouldnt want to hurt their feelings. Lets have a drink.
Marvin: Okay.[They sit down at a table to the left. Marvin raises his hand and calls over toward the bar.]
Marvin: Uh, waiter? Could we get some service, please?[Bartender walks toward them and tosses a small drink list on the table]
Bartender: [in a gruff voice] Drinks?!
Celeste: [studying menu] Ooooooooo, piña colada! That sounds exotic!
Marvin: Sounds nice. [to bartender] Could we have two piña coladas, and could we please get those little paper umbrellas in them?[Bartender glares at them and stalks away]
Celeste: Goodness, the local people certainly are quaint!
Marvin: This is exciting.
Marvin: This place brings out the animal in me.[Marvin growls pretends to claw at Celestes arm like a lion. She screams and laughs. As they repeat the action, Eddie Murphy enters dressed as a policeman in a white uniform and helmet. He watches them for a moment.]
Policeman: PAR-don ME!![Marvin and Celeste jump]
Policeman: But I am going to have to ask to see your passports!
Marvin: [fishes out passport] Of course.
Celeste: Well, I hope were not in any trouble.
Policeman: So do I, for your sake.
Celeste: [gasps] Ooooooooo![Policeman opens up passport and reads it. Suddenly, there is a dramatic horn fanfare, and he looks up with wide eyes.]
Policeman: [to Tim] So! The Iguana has returned!
Celeste: [looks around] Where?!
Policeman: I was speaking to your husband. You will find that things have changed in Stanley Key. The climate is no longer suitable for the Iguana! You do yourselves wise to be on the next boat out of here!
Marvin: [innocently] We plan to be.
Policeman: I hope so, for your sake. Ill be watching you, Iguana. Have a nice day. [walks out]
Celeste: Honey? Why did he call you [growls] the Iguana?!
Marvin: It must be some kind of local custom. Something they call the tourists: iguanas!
Celeste: Oooh. [hands purse to Marvin] Will you watch my purse? I have to go to the powder room.[Celeste exits stage left. A moment later, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, as Marena, walks in wearing a sexy red dress and smoking a cigarette. She walks over to the bar and speaks briefly to the bartender. She sets down her cigarette, picks up a piña colada, and turns toward Marvin and sets her drink on her knee.]
Marena: [in heavy Caribbean accent] Mal-ven! So, its true, you are alive! Not like the others, all dead, drowned like rats! But you! I didnt know the Iguana could swim![Marena grabs Marvin’s shirt]
Marena: If you only knew how long I wanted to kill you! I hate you!!![She slaps his face twice, then grabs his head and kisses him passionately]
Marena: I thought of you every moment!
Marvin: I-I-I thought about you too, Marena!
Marena: If Drummond knew you were here, he would kill you! I hate you! [grabs Tims head and kisses him again] I love you!
Marvin: Tell me, Marena, do you still dance the meringue?[Marena smiles coyly and pulls him gently across the room by his head. She lets go and puts her foot up on a chair while Marvin walks over to the jukebox. He hits it, and she starts moving her leg to meringue music. He grabs her, tucks her hand behind her back, and starts to tango with her. They dance stiffly in the middle of the cantina, throwing their heads back and then kissing each other in rhythm, while the others watch. Soon Howard Hesseman, as Gremand, walks in with khaki clothes and a cigarette in the corner of his mouth. He watches the dancers for a moment, and then slaps the jukebox. Music stops as Gremand spits out his cigarette and glares at them.] Howard: So! It is you! I thought I smelled something. There is nothing quite like the stench of the iguana. [Marvin lets go of Marena and motions her away. She dashes to the bar and fearfully averts her face.]
Marvin: Im surprised to see you, Gremand.[sound effect of a fly buzzing through the air] Howard: I know. [Gremand looks up and pretends to catch the fly in mid-air. A second later, he opens his mouth and eats the fly.] Howard: You thought I had drowned with the others! You scuttled that schooner, didnt you?
Marvin: Well, why would I do that–with two and a half million dollars shipment on board? Howard: You knew it wasnt on the schooner! It was on the other boat, the Catch! The one that sailed north for Florida! But the crew from that boat isnt around to talk, are they, Iguana?
Marvin: [sips drink] Thats right. It seems they got in the way of a machine gun. [snickers] So… you know everything. Howard: Yes.
Marvin: Well… [in squeaky voice] What are you gonna do about it? Howard: Just this! [Gremand steps back, takes a survival knife out from under his sock, and flings the sheath onto the floor. He raises the knife and moves to stab Marvin. With one hand, Marvin grabs Gremands wrist and stops him cold. Marvin coolly sips his drink while Gremand squirms and grunts and tries to free his arm.]
Marvin: Shouldnt play with sharp objects, Gremand. [pulls knife from Gremands hand] A man can get hurt.[Marvin lets him go, and Gremand cries out in pain and slumps onto the floor. He gets up a moment later.] Howard: All right, all right. We will meet again, somewhere, someday, Iguana! Marena? [Gremand turns and grabs Marenas arm and drags her out of the cantina with him. She reaches out desperately toward Marvin as she is pulled away, but he only waves bye-bye after her. Marvin walks back to his table with the survival knife in his hand, stands behind the table, and suddenly stabs the knife into the tabletop.]
Marvin: [in a squeaky Mickey Mouse voice] Anybody else?[The others in the cantina only look nonchalantly at him. Tim pulls the knife out of the tabletop and sets it aside on the floor just as Celeste walks back in.]
Celeste: [sweetly] Hi, honey.
Marvin: [squeaky] Hi.[The bartender walks over with the two piña coladas they had ordered before]
Marvin: Oh, just in time!
Celeste: Oooh, what pretty drinks!
Marvin: Uh, waiter, I think you forgot the little paper umbrellas.
Bartender: Oh, Im very sorry. [calls frantically over to bar] Quick, a paper umbrella for the Iguana! Mary: And one for Mrs. Iguana!
Bartender: And-and one for Mrs. Iguana![Someone from off camera hustles the little paper umbrellas over to the bartender, and he hands them quickly to the couple. Watching them fearfully, he grabs Marenas unfinished drink and darts away. The first marimba music starts back up.]
Marvin: To us, honey.
Celeste: To adventure![They put in the paper umbrellas and put their straws in the others drink. Marvin and Celeste drink up and look lovingly at each other. ZOOM back to show the others drinking and playing cards just as before.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield