SNL Transcripts: Michael Keaton: 10/30/82: Teddy Bears



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 5




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82e: Michael Keaton / Joe Jackson

Teddy Bears

Marsha…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
David…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ Marsha opens the door to her apartment and shows David in ]

Marsha: I don’t usually bring guys home on a first date.. but this is my place. What do you thik of it?

David: [ looks around ] A little dark.

Marsha: [ turns light on ] Well?

David: It’s very, uh.. wicker.

Marsha: Oh, I have a lot of plants, too, you know? You have to go home now.

David: [ makes his exit ] Good night, Marsha.. it was very interesting, uh..

Marsha: Oh, aren’t you going to kiss me goodnight? [ he kisses her ] Oh, that was good. It wasn’t wet. I hate wet ones!

David: Yeah.. look, I’ll call you, okay?

Marsha: Ooh! [ runs to closet ] This is my closet! [ pulls out negligee and holds it against her, catching David’s interest ] What are you staring at?

David: Uh.. nothing..

Marsha: [ runs to her bed and sits ] And this is my bed.. ] pats the space to her, signalling him to sit ]

David: [ closes door, removes jacket, and sits ] I had a good time tonight.

Marsha: Oh, I had a good time, too!

David: Good.

Marsha: Yeah. The movie was good.

David: Good.

Marsha: Do you want to sleep with me?

David: Yes! [ she slaps him ] I think I’ll be going home now, Marsha..

Marsha: [ picks up her teddy bear and talks in teddy bear voice ] Ooh, say good night to Snookie!

David: Snookie?

Marsha: Ooh, did you miss Mommy while she was bye-bye, Snookie?

David: Uh.. Marsha.. uh..?

Marsha: Oh, Snookie, don’t be shy. David is very nice. He’s not like that dumb, stupid old Michael McCarthy?

David: Who’s Michael McCarthy?

Marsha: Oh, he’s this guy I was sleeping with.

David: Sleeping with?

Marsha: Yeah. But I dumped him because Snookie didn’t like him, right, Snookie?

David: Snookie didn’t like him?

Marsha: Mmm-hmm.. Snookie didn’t like him at all. Snookie, say hello to David..

David: [ in teddy bear voice of his own ] What didn’t Snookie like about him?

Marsha: Say hello to David!

David: Hello, Snookie!

Marsha: Snookie wants you to shake her paw!

David: [ laughing ] Alright, this has gone far enough, Marsha..

Marsha: Come on! Come on, Snookie wants you to shake her paw!

David: Okay.. [ grabs Snookie’s paw ] Hello, Snookie. How you doing? Nice to meet you. Terrible weather we’ve been having lately, huh? So, do you think Begin should resign, or wait a vote of no confidence from the canessa?

Marsha: [ pulls Snookie away ] Snookie thinks you’re being insincere.

David: Me?

Marsha: Yeah! Snookie thinks you’re talking down to her!

David: I am!

Marsha: Ohhh.. Snookie’s crying real tears now. See..?

David: Life is short, Marsha! I’ll be going now! [ gets up and grabs his coat ]

Marsha: Well, that’s too bad. ‘Cause Snookie thought I should slepe with you.

David: [ drops coat, sits next to Marsha again ] Do you think Snookie could ever forgive David?

Marsha: If you kiss Snookie!

David: Do you really think that’s necessary?

Marsha: Yes, I do..

David: Okay.. [ kisses Snookie ]

Marsha: No, come on! Kiss him some more! Come on, right on his nose! [ David obeys ] Now, blow in his ear!

David: No..

Marsha: Blow in his ear! [ he blows ] Now, tell her you’re sorry.

David: David was a very bad boy, and he’s sorry! Can Snookie ever forgive David?

Marsha: Yes! Snookie forgives David.. but I don’t, and I’ll never, ever sleep with you!

David: [ grabs Snookie’s neck ] How would you like to see Snookie go into permanent hibernation, huh?!

Marsha: [ grabs Snookie back ] Stop it! Stop it! you’re hurting Snookie! You’re hurting her! Ohhh.. she’s very sensitive, and she has no friends..

David: [ takes off his sock, puts it on his hand ] Hello, Snookie! This is Sammy the Sock, and he wants to play with you!

Marsha: Mmm.. what kind of game does Sammy the Sock want to play?

David: Uh..it’s a little game called “One Size Fits All.

Marsha: Ooh! Clap your hands, Snookie! [ Sammy the Sock reaches back to unzip Marsha’s dress ] Ooohhh.. Snookie, what was that sound?

David: Zipity-doo-dah, zipity-ay!

Together: My oh my, what a wonderful day!

David: [ howls ] Uh-oh! Snookie, it’s Mr. Wolf! Quick! Let’s hide under the covers!

Marsha: Come on, Snookie!

[ both singing “Zipity-Doo-Dah, David and Marsha hide under the bed’s covers; David tosses the sock and teddy bear aside and finally gets down to business ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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