Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9
… Eddie Murphy
… Steve Martin
[Alone at home base, Eddie Murphy tries to saygoodnight.]
Eddie Murphy: I’d thank you all for tuning into “The Eddie Murphy Show” this evening. … We had afantastic time. It was a great – [a disturbance in thecrowd, somebody screams] It was a greatexperience.[Deafening cheers and applause drown out Eddie.Abruptly, an agitated Steve Martin emerges from theaudience and joins Eddie. The crowd goeswild.]
Steve Martin: Hold it! Hold it just a minute!No, wait! I’m sorry! Wait! [cheers and applausecontinues as Steve Martin tries to get a grip onhimself – Eddie looks on blankly – the rest of thecast is standing in the background as the crowd inStudio 8H goes nuts] Hold it just a second! I’m sorry![Steve puts a hand on Eddie’s shoulder as the noisesubsides] You know, I’m sitting at home, watching theshow, they say there’s gonna be no host! I’m sittin’home alone. I say, “What’s goin’ on here? No host?!”And I’m sittin’ home alone?! … [applause] Imean, Eddie — you’re takin’ money out o’ MY pocket!… I’m a professional host! I mean, you got a lot o’guys! [counts on his fingers] You got Letterman, yougot Carson, you got me, you got Buck Henry! We’resittin’ home alone?! … I mean, I got mouthsto feed! I got thirteen illegitimate kids across thecountry. … [applause] I called three girls uptonight. None of ’em’d go out with me! You know why?[sobs] ‘Cuz I hadn’t hosted in two years! … I’msittin’ home alone! There’s no host! Nobody calls me![suddenly angry] This is the kind of thing that reallyirritates me! I’ll tell ya something–! And if youfeel OFFENDED — and your cast and your producer feelOFFENDED — that I’ve come out here like this– Well,EXCUUUUUSE ME![Huge cheers and applause as Steve Martin stalks offthe stage and exits. Eddie, who has stared blankly atSteve throughout the tirade, watches him go. The restof the cast, led by Tim Kazurinsky, laughs, applaudsand joins Eddie at center stage to wave at the crowd.Credits roll. Tim shakes Eddie’s hand. The castmingles with Lionel Ritchie and his band.]
Don Pardo V/O: Join us in future weeks when ourhosts will be Howard Hesseman and Bill Murray. Untilnext time, this is Don Pardo saying: I’m glad we havethese little talks. It’s so lonely in thisannounce booth. Johnny Olsen, if you’re listening,give me a call! Good night.