Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9
Merry Christmas, Dammit!
Marie Osmond…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Donnie Osmond…..Gary Kroeger
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Gumby: Merry Christmas, Dammit! I am Gumby, and I want to say before I get started – it’s about time the swines at the network gave me my own special. I’ve been sitting in my living room watching specials by nobodies like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for years. Hey, Rudy: Drop dead, baby! This is my special! We know why the nose is red, Rudy! [ mimes drinking ] You know, this is the part of the special when I was going to decorate the Christmas tree with my very good friend, Sammy Davis, Jr. [ walks over to the huge Christmas tree ] But, unfortunately, Sammy could not be here tonight.. but he did send us this lovely ornament to decorate the tree with.. [ pulls out an eyeball attached to a hook, and hangs it to the tree as the audience groans ] Shut up! Here’s looking atyou, Sammy. Merry Christmas, Dammit! Now, here’s an act for all the kids out there who I know want to swing this Christmas. Donny and Marie!
[ cut to Donny and Marie Osmond standing over the punch bowl ]
Marie Osmond: For the Osmonds, Christmas is a joyous time for the whole family to get together.
Donny Osmond: Yeah, Marie.. But things sure have changed since you got married.
Marie Osmond: Well, what about you, Donny? You’ve got a wife at home.
Donny Osmond: You’re right. I guess Christmas just won’t be the same this year. [ singing ] “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you..”
Marie Osmond: “I’ll be so blue thinking about you..”
Donny and Marie: [ moving closer together as they sing ]
“Decorations of red, on a green Christmas tree..
won’t mean a thing, if you’re not here with me.
I’ll have a blue Christmas, that’s certain..
And when the blue heartache..”
[ suddenly stop singing and begin to kiss passionately ]
Gumby: [ jumping in ] Donny and Marie! Hey, hey, hey, cut it out! Is this how you kids go Hawauiian? Give me a break here! [ steps away ] What would Christmas be like without the kids, huh? Hey, kids, want to hear Gumby tell you a Christmas story? Then gather around and keep your damn mouthes shut! Come on, it’s Christmastime. [ sits down and opens a book as the kids form a circle around him ] Here’s a little story, it’s called “The Night After Christmas”. “It was the day after Christmas, and the world was peaceful and calm. Santa Claus had been delivering toys all night. His back hurt him so. He was very tired. So he went to his kitchen and fixed himself a cup of Swiss Milk hot chocolate. Just then, an elf named Fred came up and said, ‘Excuse me, Saint Nick. Can I have a sip of your hot chocolate?’ Santa went crazy! He grabbed the elf and tore his lungs out.” The end! Merry Christmas, boys and girls. Did you like that?
Little Girl: You’re mean, Mr. Gumby! I was on Andy Williams’ Christmas show, and he was nice!
Gumby: Oh? You want Andy Williams? Well, here, let’s go! [ grabs Little Girl and walks her to the front door ] Andy is in Los Angeles – that’s about 800 miles. [ opens door and shoves her out ] Start walking! [ returns to his special ] About 20 minutes in the freezing cold, she’ll be begging to be on the Gumby special! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, keeping with the Christmas tradition – the King Family!
[ three men dressed like Don King step into the room to sing a carol ]
The King Family: [ singing ]
“Jingle Bells. Jingle Bells. Jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh,
Gumby: The King Family! Unbelievable! Have some punch, boys. You know, I am honored to have on my Christmas special this next man. You see, there are very few people in this wonderful business that I am in that can be introduced by one name only. There is, of course, Sammy, Liza, Gumby.. and this man – the Chairman of the Board.. Francis Albert Sinatra!
Frank Sinatra: [ enters ] Gumby, Gumby, it’s an honor to be here. It’s marvelous. You’re wonderful, and it’s marvelous. I know you have many wonderful, marvelous friends in the world of animation. Now, they could not be here tonight, but I bring you the greetings in song.
[ starts singing ]
“Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones.
They’re a hip, stone-age family.
Hey, Barney, I’m talking Bedrock.
When who knew from a Christmas tree.
We’ll have a good time.
A yabba-doobie-doo good time.
We’ll have a gay..
it’s a groovy time!
Thank you so much.
[ singing ]
It’s the Woody Woodpecker Song!
Alright, alright.. cut the cartoon crap, it’s Christmastime here..
[ singing ]
“Silent night, holy night.
It’s okay, everything’s bright..
’round that virgin chick, she had a kid.
Who grew up to be famous.. you all know what he did.
Sleep! It’s quiet in heaven!
Sleep! Heavenly peace.”
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Gumby: Thank you, Frank! It’s been so long! It’s been so long! [ hugs Frank ] Thank you, Francis! And thanks to all my guests – Donny and Marie! The King Family! And to everyone out there – a merry Christmas! And to my producer, my director, my manager, and my lawyer – Happy Hanukkah, boys! Good night! [ credits roll over quick zoom to rear of room to reveal Little Girl pressed against back window freezing in the cold ]