Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9
A Special Christmas Message
April May June … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[An organ plays “O Come All Ye Faithful” and continuesunder the entire sketch.]
Announcer V/O: [youthful, Southern accentedvoice] And now a special Christmas message from AprilMay June.[Televangelist April May June, in jewels and white furcoat, walks to her podium in front of aflower-bedecked trellis and addresses the camera witha pronounced Southern drawl.]
April May June: Hello, friends. It’sChristmastime and that means more than a fur coat androastin’ nuts. It’s Jesus’ birthday! Do youknow the story of Jesus’ birth? Well, poor Mary washeavy with child and she and her husband Josephcouldn’t find room in any of the hotels so they founda barn with a star on top where Jesus was born.
And all the animals in the barn were very quiet whenthey saw the baby Jesus. And all the shepherdsfollowed the star and came to look at the sweet baby.And the three wise men came and gave the baby Jesusgold, frankincense and pork — to see if he wasJewish.
Baby Jesus was so sweet and good and didn’t cry allnight and keep his mommy up like some babies who neverlet their mommies sleep and then the mommiesget bags under their eyes and then they looklike hell in front of the camera the next day.[chuckles self-consciously as she recovers herpoise]
So, it was a nice and holy time for everyone,hallelujah. But, you know something? Somethingsurprises me. I wonder why Mary couldn’t get a room. Imean, after all, she’s carryin’ God’s child.What do you mean “No room at the inn”? Howcould the one and only Holy Family take no for ananswer? You don’t read in the Bible about Josepharguin’ with the man at the front desk for fifteenminutes about a room, do you? I mean, what was hedoin’? Where was his spine?! He just lethis wife have her baby in some nasty barn?! Youknow how men are! I mean, he was a carpenter!He coulda built her a house! What washe? Just along for the ride?! You know, I don’tthink Joseph ought to be a saint. Mary had the childof God and performed a whole host of other miracles,hallelujah. All Joseph did was get some aspirin namedafter him. Big deal!
Merry Christmas.[Cheers and applause as we fade out on a smiling AprilMay June.]