SNL Transcripts: Eddie Murphy: 12/11/82: Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, EddieMurphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it’s -it’s good to be back in New York, uh … And it’s– itwas fun working with these kids this week, I had agreat time. … I really can’t believe how hard theywork here on this show and it’s like – it was, like,watching the process, seeing them pull together was alot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot ofthings have been happening in my life right now. Ijust recorded a comedy album, I have a movie outcalled 48 Hours and things have–

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is veryspooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] LongIsland! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. … Andit’s a Jewish ghost in my house which is verynerve-wracking. You’re walkin’ through the house andyou hear: [old Jewish man’s voice] “Boo! … Get offmy lawn, you schwartze! … [cheers and applause]Boo-ooo! I’m under the bed now! …. Or maybe I’m not.Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? … I couldbe under the bed.”

[normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I waswondering about movies? I was watching those movies –I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies likePoltergeist and Amityville Horror. Whydon’t the people just get the hell out of the house?… You can’t make a horror movie with black people init ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see niggers runnin’down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s themovie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, whitepeople, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in thetoilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’tsit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this:[brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. Wegot chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’,it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this isbeaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’svoice] “Too bad we can’t stay.” [instantly spins,starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause,Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes hisnose]

My nose is runnin’ and I don’t want to look– peoplethinkin’ I’m nasty. I have a cold. … I was playin’ball today. You ever play basketball when you have acold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya?[whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eyeby a cold blob of snot] … Ah, that was in bad taste,I shouldn’t’ve did it. But it was funny, so what? …

Here’s some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglassesout of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonderimpression, head rocking slowly from side to side] …[cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his handsand croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glassesand laughs] The brothers don’t like when you doStevie. … Brother be sayin’: [angry brother voice]”HEY, MAN, THAT’S NOT FUNNY! … STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN![wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] … DO’EM AGAIN, YOU GON’ GET HURT!” [But Eddie puts theglasses back on and plays Stevie again] …[applause] [normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression!That’s why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. Heliked it. Don’t think like Stevie’s sittin’ home inhis living room goin’: [sad voice] “Wow, I’m blind.That’s messed up, man.” … [normal voice] He’s not.Stevie’s a very happy person. You see him smilin’ allthe time. I say, “Stevie, why you so happy?” He say,”‘Cuz I’m rich, that’s why.” … Stevie’s very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me,he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] “Eddie, if you – everimitate me again – I’ll kick your behind.” …[removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless tosay, I wasn’t afraid. … I’d kill Stevie Wonder in afight. … [suddenly starts shadow boxing with animaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off![with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch]BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxingstance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose, as if hehad just taken a punch in the face ] “Aw, youshouldn’t ‘a’ did that!” … [Eddie as Stevie bobs andweaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers andapplause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes offthe glasses, normal voice] You’re a lot of fun! Watchthe show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in thehuge cheers and applause as we fadeout]

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