SNL Transcripts: Eddie Murphy: 12/11/82: Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, EddieMurphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it’s -it’s good to be back in New York, uh … And it’s– itwas fun working with these kids this week, I had agreat time. … I really can’t believe how hard theywork here on this show and it’s like – it was, like,watching the process, seeing them pull together was alot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot ofthings have been happening in my life right now. Ijust recorded a comedy album, I have a movie outcalled 48 Hours and things have–

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is veryspooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] LongIsland! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. … Andit’s a Jewish ghost in my house which is verynerve-wracking. You’re walkin’ through the house andyou hear: [old Jewish man’s voice] “Boo! … Get offmy lawn, you schwartze! … [cheers and applause]Boo-ooo! I’m under the bed now! …. Or maybe I’m not.Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? … I couldbe under the bed.”

[normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I waswondering about movies? I was watching those movies –I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies likePoltergeist and Amityville Horror. Whydon’t the people just get the hell out of the house?… You can’t make a horror movie with black people init ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see niggers runnin’down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s themovie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, whitepeople, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in thetoilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’tsit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this:[brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. Wegot chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’,it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this isbeaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’svoice] “Too bad we can’t stay.” [instantly spins,starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause,Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes hisnose]

My nose is runnin’ and I don’t want to look– peoplethinkin’ I’m nasty. I have a cold. … I was playin’ball today. You ever play basketball when you have acold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya?[whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eyeby a cold blob of snot] … Ah, that was in bad taste,I shouldn’t’ve did it. But it was funny, so what? …

Here’s some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglassesout of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonderimpression, head rocking slowly from side to side] …[cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his handsand croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glassesand laughs] The brothers don’t like when you doStevie. … Brother be sayin’: [angry brother voice]”HEY, MAN, THAT’S NOT FUNNY! … STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN![wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] … DO’EM AGAIN, YOU GON’ GET HURT!” [But Eddie puts theglasses back on and plays Stevie again] …[applause] [normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression!That’s why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. Heliked it. Don’t think like Stevie’s sittin’ home inhis living room goin’: [sad voice] “Wow, I’m blind.That’s messed up, man.” … [normal voice] He’s not.Stevie’s a very happy person. You see him smilin’ allthe time. I say, “Stevie, why you so happy?” He say,”‘Cuz I’m rich, that’s why.” … Stevie’s very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me,he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] “Eddie, if you – everimitate me again – I’ll kick your behind.” …[removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless tosay, I wasn’t afraid. … I’d kill Stevie Wonder in afight. … [suddenly starts shadow boxing with animaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off![with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch]BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxingstance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose, as if hehad just taken a punch in the face ] “Aw, youshouldn’t ‘a’ did that!” … [Eddie as Stevie bobs andweaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers andapplause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes offthe glasses, normal voice] You’re a lot of fun! Watchthe show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in thehuge cheers and applause as we fadeout]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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