SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas: 01/29/83: Gerry Todd’s Porta-Dish

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  Season 8: Episode 11

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Gerry Todd’s Porta-Dish

Gerry Todd…..Rick Moranis

[ open on Gerry Todd in a control booth facing away from the camera, staring into a bank of television sets broadcasting various feeds, including several of himself staring at the television sets ]

Gerry Todd: Ha ha ha ha ha! [ turns around ] How are you? Grry Todd with ya’! You know – you know, video has come a long way since the days of the Big Three networks. Why, with today’s cable, you can get thirty, forty, maybe fifty channels. But if you’re a videophile like me, you’ll find that even isn’t enough. Well, thanks to satellite transmission, there are now literally thousands of broadcasts going on every hour, all around the world. Now, I know what you’re saying – you’re saying, “Gerry, how the heck can I afford to get those broadcasts on those dishes, they’re darn expensive!”

Well! Take a looksie at this: [ holds up a china eating dish with a thing sticking out of the middle ] This is a new dish that anyone can afford. It’s a new portable model, it’s unbelievable! It does everything the big ones do, plus it comes in dozens of patterns, it’s completely unbreakable, and it’s dishwasher-safe! And wait ’til you see the things that this baby pulls in!

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on festive muzak and a blue screen filled with a scrolling list of city names and percentages – ex. “Boston. . . . . .45%” and “Cairo. . . . . .3%” ]

Gerry Todd V/O: Now, this is the Humidity Chanel. It’s a kind of a spin-off from the Weather Channel. Boy, it’s dry in Cairo, isn’t it? That’s handy to know! 56 in Europe.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a couple of women flipping upside-down on trampolines, with the superimposed number “1,215,754” rising by one digit with each flip ]

Oh, now, this is the Trampoline Channel. This is from Czechoslavakia, this.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a man walking through a Western scene firing a rifle ]

Oh, this is the Rifleman Channel. They run these 24 hours a day – I’ve got all these on VHS already, though.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a microscopic slide images ]

Oh, now this is almost educational – this is the Microbiology Channel. It’s fun to turn down the sound, do your own narrations with these.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on a scrolling list of alphabetized names – ex. “Jim Fish”, “Jim L. Fish”, “Joe Bob Fish”, “Vern Fish”, “Vern Fish, Jr.”, “Vern Bob Fish”, etc. ]

Oh, now this is the Census Channel. Your name comes up about once every six months.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on an old black-and-white movie with mangled subtitles ]

Man in Film: That I don’t know. [ subtitle: “Taht I dont wonk.” ] By the way… [ subtitle: “Yb the yaw…” ]

Gerry Todd: Now, this is interesting – this is the Dyslexia Channel.

Man in Film: How did Tom and Betty make out today? [ subtitle: “Who dod Mot and Tebby mak out toady?” ]

Woman in Film: They’ve taken their new assignment very seriously. [ subtitle: “Thr taken or noo angsiment vy cereal.” ]

Gerry Todd: It’s closed-captioning for dyslexics.

Woman in Film: They worked all afternoon. [ subtitle: “Hey word al antlerfoon.” ]

Gerry Todd: I think that’s kind of a good public service, myself.

[ picture turns to snow, then clears up on native Africans dancing with spears to Toni Basil’s “Mickey” ]

Now, this is “African Bandstand.” Ah, Dick Clark produces that out of Zimbabwe, Rhodesia.

[ cut back to Gerry Todd in the control booth ]

Gerry Todd: It’s the Porta-Dish! Thousands of channels. It comes in paper for parties, two sets for your Jewish friends. You’ll need never — [ audience bursts into laughter and applause ] You’ll need never leave the house again!

[ fade ]

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