Lenny Ciccilone…..Joe Piscopo
Michael Jackson…..Eddie Murphy
[FADE IN on the “GUY TALK” logo as jazz music plays in the background. FADE to Lenny wearing a blue biker jacket.]
Lenny: Hey, how are ya? I’m Lenny Ciccilone over here. Welcome to “Guy Talk.” This is the only show on cable TV where guys can be GUYS, all riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Tonight we got two guys here: Liberace and Michael Jackson, huh?
[ZOOM OUT to show Liberace on the left and Michael on the right. Both guys are wearing similar white sequined shirts. Audience howls with laughter as Liberace offers a finger wave.]
Lenny: [to Liberace] HEY, hey, Lee, hey, Lee, you ever PUT it to Ann-Margaret, huh? Hey, all right…
Liberace: Well, Len, she’s not really my kind of girl.
Lenny: Yeah, yeah, huh? Well, what kind of “Lee” does Liberace–what kind of woman does, uh, Liberace like?
Liberace: Well, I like them plump and blonde. And with a good set of watermelons. [grins]
Lenny: Hey, I know what you mean, Lee, all right. Hey, you’re in Vegas all the time with those showgirls, huh, talk about BAZOOMS over there, huh? [indicates breasts] Hey, hey, Lee, did you ever go “brumsky”? Brrrrrrrrrrr… [shakes head and flaps his lips] “Brumsky,” huh, huh?
Liberace: Well, no… but I like to have the ladies sit upon my piano and, uh, work the pedals while I dazzle them with the finger work. [wiggles fingers and grins]
Lenny: WHOOO! All right, way ta go, that’s what we’re talkin’ about here. Now Michael, Michael, look–I understand, understand here that Diana Ross discovered you. Hey, hey, you ever discover her, huh? [sticks out his hand and twists it]
Michael Jackson: [in falsetto] Let’s just say than when Diana and I… [audience squeals with laughter] …did “The Wiz,” that I took her over the rainbow lots of times myself.
Lenny: All right, I hear ya. [snickers] I hear ya.
Michael Jackson: You know, Ciccilone, I like a girl that’s really into rough stuff, you know?
Lenny: Yeah, yeah, I know–like Lee, hey, y’know, a macho guy like you, ya find that that macho image, that scares the chicks off, does it, huh?
Liberace: Well, I think that the only thing a woman is scared of, is that she’s not going to get enough–and believe me, Lee always leaves them satisfied.
Michael Jackson: Marvelous!
Lenny: Hey, uh, Lee, you railed a lotta broads. You ever leave ’em a little PRESENT, y’know what I’m talkin’ about, there? [indicates pregnant stomach]
Liberace: Oh, ha ha ha ha. Well, let’s just say there are a lot of kids all over the country with surprising musical ability.
Lenny: Hey, I’m gonna ask you both this. I’m a regular guy, right? So, say I wanna like, y’know hit on a woman, there. What do I gotta say to allow her — so I can jump her bones, eh? What do I gotta say?
Michael Jackson: You know, it’s funny you use that expression “jump her bones.” You know, that’s exactly what I say to a girl when I wanna get to know her. I walk up to her and I say, “Hey, baby, I’ve got to jump your bones.” Nine of the times, I get my face slapped, but that tenth one: it’s magic. It’s wonderful.
Liberace: [nodding] Yes.
Lenny: Well, Lee, Lee, what kind of bouillon do YOU peddle over there?
Liberace: Well… I think APPEARANCE is very important. I — I like to dress nice – that turns a woman on. Then I show her my house. [ snickers ] The next think you know, the panties are hanging on the candelabra, and she’s screaming, “Lee, Lee, oh God, you’re good!” [ snickers, then laughs loudly ]
Lenny: Then you move, you move outta there, right?
Michael Jackson: That’s the only way to go: “Slam, bam, thank you ma’am!” [laughs]
Lenny: All right, all right. Hey, y’know, that’s all the time we got here for tonight. But join us next week for “Guy Talk” when we’ll be talking to Quentin Crisp and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Take care!
[Lenny pumps his fist as Liberace and Michael reach across to shake hands. FADE to “GUY TALK” logo, then FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean