Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 11
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82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys
Five Minutes to Reflect
Rabbi Morton Karloff…..Rick Moranis
Announcer: Welcome to “Five Minutes to Reflect.”
[ zoom out, then down to reveal the rabbi Morton Karloff flipping through his prayer text ]Announcer: Tonight’s guest speaker is the rabbi Morton Karloff, of Temple Beth Myerson.
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Good evening. You know, many people have asked me the question: “Rabbi, tell me what is the origin of the Five Books of Moses.” Well. I myself have — [ removes his glasses, which separates his side curls from the rest of his hair ] — shrugged my shoulders many times at the thought. Why not four books, or – or six books, or – or ten books? [ replaces his glasses and side curls ] Well.. the simple fact is that the Five Books of moses were just to be the first five books in a projected series that was going to be issued monthly, under the tile “The Testement of the month Club.” Now, as you all know, according to the Jewish calendar, this is the year 5743, which means that, had we been publishing one book per month, right now we’d be up to Volume 68,708.
But what were th other books to have been written about? Well, basically, home repair. Volume 6 through 29 were tentatively titled “Hebraic Household Hints.” The sixth volume, for example, was to be devoted entirely to drywall. Volume 7 through 10 were on small appliance repair, plumbling, and heating. And Volume 11 was on vertical and, uh.. vertical blind and track lighting installation, I believe.
Now, these books never appeared,which explains why, to this day, the Jewish people are not very handy. But was the entire rest of the Bible to have consisted only of handyman’s tips? Well, hardly. no, there were a great many more subjects that were to have been covered. Military tactics, uh.. the correct way of cooking meat, so it isn’t dry and tasteless. And how to decorate a suburban living room like a Hawaiian hotel lobby. One book alone – “Sex Hints for the Teenaged Daughter” – might have changed the entire course of history, had it been issued as was planned in 1726.
But the most frequently-asked question is: “On Rasheed’s philosophy of skylight leaks, what was the –“
[ the organ music pots up ]Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is the music coming in for now? That’s too early, I had five minutes to reflect. [ looks at his watch ] That’s, uh – that’s four minutes and ten seconds, I’ve been keeping time. No, you’re not cutting now – I have five minutes to reflect! No! He said five minutes on me, not four minutes on me!
[ the camera pans upward to the stained glass window ]Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now he’s moving up! Why is he moving up?! What is he – he’s going to the window again! It’s not – what is this, a window commercial? Come back here! Hey!
[ Rabbi morton Karloff waves his hand as the camera rises past him and holds on the stained glass window ]Rabbi Morton Karloff V/O: Hey, this isn’t “Four Minutes to Reflect!!” Hey, come here!
Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is this, “Four Minutes to Reflect and a One-Minute Window Commercial?!” The Episcopalian yesterday got the whole thing!!
Announcer: Be with us again tomorrow night for —
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now the announcer is coming in, come on!!
Announcer: — “Five minutes to Reflect.”
Rabbi Morton Karloff: The Born-Again three days ago got ten minutes!!
[ fade to black ]