SNL Transcripts: Bruce Dern: 03/12/83: Special Report

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 15

82o: Bruce Dern / Leon Redbone

Special Report

Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
Alfalfa…..Mary Gross

[ a broadcast of the “Donny & Marie” St. Patrick’s Day Special” is interrupted by a breaking news story ]
[ cue Ted Koppel reporting from the ABC newsroom ]

Ted Koppel: We have just received word that Buckwheat has been shot. Apparently, it happened just moments ago as the legendary performer was leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York. He had just finished making an appearance on “Saturday Night Live”, and as he was leaving the building, he was shot by an unknown assailant, or assailants.. details are sketchy at this point. [ grabs earpiece ] Now, I understand that we now have a videotape of the shooting – let’s take a look.

[ videotape plays on monitor to Ted’s left ]

[ Buckwheat and his entourage exit 30 Rockefeller Plaza amongst a myriad of fans ]

Autograph Seeker: Oh, Mr. Buckwheat, I so love your singing, could I have your autograph..?

Buckwheat: Thank you very much. No autographs, pease, pease.. [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou! [ stands just outside of his limo ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ suddenly, two shots ring out, as Buckwheat staggers and his bodyguards run into the startled crowd to tackle the mysterious assailant – cameras zoom back to see the limo peel away in a mad rush to the hospital. ]

[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: That was the scene just moments ago. To repeat:Buckwheat has been shot. We understand that he has been rushed to a nearby hospital, his condition unknown. We’ll bring you more details as the shocking tragedy develops.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: The Shooting of Buckwheat: America Stunned. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For the benefit of those of you who have just joined us, Buckwheat has been shot. Let’s take a look.

[ cut back to footage of Buckwheat ]

Buckwheat: [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Here he is, coming out of what appears to be 30 Rockefeller Plaza.. there he is. Now, the shots come right about.. here..

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: There they are. Now, I have just been told that Buckwheat has just arrived at St. Vincent’s Hospital. Let’s go there, live. [ monitor over Ted’s left shoulder shows the camera zooming through the crowded hall at St. Vincent’s Hospital ] Alright.. now, as you can see, several of Buckwheat’s friends are already there..

[ camera discovers fellow “Our Gang” alum, Alfalfa, talking to a woman in the hall ]

Alfalfa: I can’t believe it! I can’t believe theyshot him, it’s just terrible..!

Ted Koppel: [ interrupting ] Alfalfa, have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat being shot?

Alfalfa: No, I haven’t!

Ted Koppell: Then, let’s take a look.

[ video footage plays once again ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ the shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa, what are your feelings as you watch that?

Alfalfa: [ distressed ] Oh-h-h-h.. I’m hurt.. and confu-u-used.. and I don’t know what to say.. no comment! [ camera moves on ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa obviously stunned by this tragic turn of events. Alright, we’re going inside now.. [ camera focuses on doctors performing emergency surgery on Buckwheat ] Buckwheat, as you can see, going under the knife. Doctor, excuse me.. this is Ted Koppel. Have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat as he was shot?

Doctor: [ looking up from surgery ] No. I haven’t.

Ted Koppel: Well, then, let’s take a look.

[ cut to video footage yet again ]

Ted Koppel: There he is, about to get into his limosine.. and, uh.. [ footage plays in slow-motion, as Buckwheat is shot ] ..at 30 Rock.. it speaks for itself… buckwheat being shot. To repeat: Buckwheat has been shot. He’s now in emergency surgery, and all we Americans can do is wait and worry.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Emergency Surgery: America Waits and Worries. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppell: We have just.. we have just received some tragic news.. Buckwheat.. is dead.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Buckwheat Dead: America Mourns. [ dissolve to Texxongraphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there. Because Buckwheat would have wanted it that way.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For those of you, just joining us.. Buckwheat is dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look.
[ footage plays again ]

Buckwheat: I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Alright, now.. as you can see – there it is.. [ shots ring out ] ..it looks like the shots came from Buckwheat’s left side.. there are the security men.. going right after the assailant, or assailants.. we’re not quite sure, as of yet. Who killed Buckwheat, and why? Good questions. We intend to be here tomorrow night, and every night, until those questions are answered. Until then, we pay a final tribute to a great performer.

[ a montage of Buckwheat moments throughout the years is shown, right up to the fatal assassination that just took place moments earlier ]

Ted Koppel: Buckwheat dead. This is Ted Koppell reporting. We now return you to our normal programming. Good night.

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