Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 18
Mother…..Susan Saint James
Eugene Beakman…..Gary Kroeger
Lottery Spokesman…..Tim Kazurinsky
[Eugene is lounging in a chair in a living room, bored and listless]
Mother: Eugene, why don’t you go out and look for a job today?
Eugene: Nah. I don’t feel like doing much of anything.
Mother: Well, then, why don’t you go clean up your room?
Mother: Eugene, would like to sell your mother’s jewelry and buy yourself an expensive sports car?
Mother: Then do nothing, you good-for-nothing bum! All you ever do is sit around the house all day. You’re no son of mine. Look at your brother Frank: he’s twenty-nine years old and he has his own law firm. You’re twenty-six year old and you’re still living at home. It’s time for you to move out!
Father: Eunice, where’s the morning paper?
Mother: Look at your son, Harvey. He’s a good-for-nothing bum. He just sits around the house all day.
Father: Oh, hey, hey, hey. What’s the matter, sport? How’d you like to go outside and play some ball with the old man, huh?
Father: Well, you wanna go upstairs and help me put in the screen windows? I need some help, you know.
Father: I know; I know what you’d like. How’d you like a thousand dollars to go out and buy the best darn drum set around, huh? Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Father: Well, you go straight to Hell, you little bum. Your mothers right; you’re nothing but a bum. Why can’t you be more like your sister? She’s half your age and already a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford. Why don’t you just go crawl in a hole and die somewhere?
Eugene: Nah.[Doorbell rings. Mother lets in Buddy and Leslie]
Buddy: Hi, Ms. Beakman. Is Eugie here? Oh, hey, Eugie, how you doin’, man? You wanna go out and have some fun with your buddy?
Buddy: Well uh, Les and I are gonna go to the Cubs game. We got an extra ticket; how bout it? Huh?
Leslie: Awe, come on, Eugie. I’ll make non-stop love to you in the car on the way.
Leslie: Aw, you can go to Hell, Eugie.
Buddy: Yeah, Eugie, you’re a good-for-nothing. You’re a human waste.
Leslie: Why don’t you just go suck an egg?
Leslie: I’m getting out of here, Eugie.
Buddy: Yeah, me too. See ya.[Lottery Spokesman is at door when they open it to leave]
Lottery Spokesman: Is this the home of Mr. Eugene Beakman?
Leslie: Oh, yeah, he’s right over there.
Lottery Spokesman: Well, Mr. Beakman, you are the winner of the Sunset House Golden 50th Anniversary Sweepstakes. You’ve just won one million dollars! That’s a thousand dollars a year for the rest of your life, every year.
Buddy: Oh my God! Eugie, way to go, buddy!
Leslie: Eugie, that is…
Lottery Spokesman: You will never have to work another day in your life. All you have to do is sign here.
Lottery Spokesman: Well, I need your signature to verify that you’ve won.
Lottery Spokesman: If you don’t sign this, I can’t give you the money.
Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together. Come on, man!
Lottery Spokesman: Oh, Mr. Beakman, don’t be an idiot! This is – this is a million dollars! You’ll never have to work another day in your life!
Eugene: [pauses for thought] Nah.
Lottery Spokesman: You’re the luckiest man alive! You’ve won…
Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together, man!
Leslie: Come on, wake up, Eugie.
Lottery Spokesman: Mr. Beakman![Eugene starts to exit]
Father: Eugene, come to your senses, son. What are you doin?
Mother: Eugene, where are you going?
Eugene: Mmm. Thought I’d go upstairs… diddle with my fiddle.
Submitted by: Melissa Snyder