SNL Transcripts: Brandon Tartikoff: 10/08/83: Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse

Herb Feln…Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on warehouse. Herb Feln is standing behind a desk with various items of clothing strewn about. In front of the desk, a selection of produce. Behind Feln, a few racks of clothing and signs on the wall, some reading “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE”, “95% GUARANTEE, 5% POLYESTER”, “E-Z CREDIT TERMS UNAVAILABLE” Feln is wearing a red jacket and loud tie]

Herb Feln: Hi, Herb Feln here, for Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing, 3535 North on Milwaukee Avenue. Well, it’s inventory time, and are we overstocked! You’ve caught us with our warehouse full of pants down! Yes, down, up, and halfway to Cleveland! All our designer fashions! All our fresh, delicious produce! Everything must go to make room for more, and are we willing to deal!

Take a look at this three piece outfit! [grabs items one by one] Shirt, bowtie, and ski glove! All made right here in America and guaranteed for the life of the garment, whichever comes first! Or how about this: [grabs more items one by one] Matching T-shirt and pomegranate! Take two! Take three! Take two! The more you buy, the more you have! And who can resist this: [grabs more items one by one] boxer shorts, kneepads, and concord grapes! [shakes grapes loose] Is that a combo or what? You tell us! Just take the shorts and the grapes! [throws grapes at camera, some juice splatters on the lens] At Feln’s, you’re the customer! [drops shorts]

Hey! What do we have here? [reaches behind desk, picks up hanger] First quality, top-of-the-line sleeveless dinner jackets! Aaaand inside each one, grapefruit from Florida! One in each pocket! [tosses it aside, sotto voce] Believe me, there’s another one in there… [normal pitch voice] You won’t be able to tell the difference! Need socks? Who doesn’t? Seven for a dollar! [picks up socks] That’s three and a half complete pairs for one dollar! [tosses socks, picks up avocados] Avocados, avocados, avocados! [does Crazy Eddie-esque hand gesture] Can you ever have enough? Buy two, get a shoe! [holds up black shoe] Buy four, get one more! [holds up non-matching tan shoe] Yes, a- a spare shoe for the office and the train! [thumps black shoe] Can you afford to be without one? [thumps to the next words] You tell us!

[by now, Feln is tossing random bits of food toward the camera] And remember! Remember you have Feln’s Food and Clothing Warehouse’s guarantee! You must, we repeat, you must [Joe Piscopo begins to break character] be absolutely delighted with our prices, or you’ll know why! How’s that for fair? [stifling laughter as “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE” graphic superimposes on lower half of screen] Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse! Warehouse is our last name!

[applause and fade as Feln continues to toss food toward the camera dodging some being thrown back at him]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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